


Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now

by OtakuLilyRose



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Bruises, Cancer, Child Abuse, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Izaya can't catch a break, Loss of Parent(s), M/M, Molestation, Not for the Feint-hearted, Rape/Non-con Elements, Rescue, Self-Hatred, Sexual Violence, Slow Burn, Teenagers, some dark shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-01
Updated: 2019-05-18
Packaged: 2019-05-31 16:06:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 63,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15123020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OtakuLilyRose/pseuds/OtakuLilyRose
Summary: After tragedy strikes the Orihara family, Izaya's father decides to suddenly return home. Bitter and resentful, Izaya will put up with whatever it takes to keep him and his siblings out of foster care. That is until things spiral out of his control.





	1. Water or Concrete

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all and welcome to my new fic!  
> Now that I have a little more time on my hands, I am getting back into writing. I've had so many ideas for fics while I have been gone. Therefore, alongside finishing 'Blue Lips' I have also decided to start this fic that has been on my mind for a long while. It will be pretty dark and disturbing but also feature the cute fluffy goodness that comes with a hurt/comfort story. Seeing as that is my favourite type of fic, especially for Shizaya, I have decided to contribute to the fandom. I know there are already a couple based on similar stuff to this one but I HAVE READ THEM ALL AND NOW I NEED MORE. This will also probably feature more disturbing and serious topics (read the tags) than the others I have read. For now i have just decided to tag the dark shit but once it actually features in the story I WILL bump up the rating to E and add archive warnings as well. This is also only the second thing i have ever written on here so i'm sorry if it sucks but hopefully I will get better with time.
> 
> I hope you enjoy >.<

BEEP! BEE-

SLAM!

As soon as the incessant blaring of the alarm clock started, it had stopped. Izaya brought his clenched fist down hard against the button, stopping the sound from leaving the confines of his dark room. He would have felt drowsy, maybe had some difficulty in opening his eyes, that was if he had ever closed them to begin with. Though as it was, after staring at the glowing numbers for something akin to seven and a half hours, Izaya still felt no desire to leave his bed. He felt as though he could stare at that clock feeling numb for the rest of his life. 

But the world would not wait for him. He knew that better than anyone. As much as he loved his precious humans he knew they would leave him behind if he so much as just indulged in the idea of spending his time feeling sorry for himself. 

And so Izaya flipped back the covers of his bed. He showered under blisteringly hot water and dressed in his school uniform with a robotic apathy. He brushed his teeth and gathered his things for school all the while the sun still slept. By the time he had made it outside and started on his way along the path, he was already feeling a little more like himself. With the sun warming his pale skin and the bustle of humanity starting its day, Izaya could feel his mood rise to the point where he found it a little easier to put a skip in his step and a smirk on his face. 

Once he had made it through the school gates, he was confident enough that he could fool anyone into thinking he was exactly the same as he had always been.

…………

Once Shizuo was sat in his chair, he slumped over the desk and put his head in his arms. He tried his best to block out the white noise of classroom chatter and squeezed his eyes shut tight. When the throbbing pressure inside his skull became to much, he pressed the knuckles of a clenched fist into his temple in some kind of an effort to alleviate the pain. 

“Heiwajima!” Shizuo shot upright at the sudden yell of his name only to find the stern glare of the teacher pointing in his direction. “My class is not for napping. If you are feeling unwell please make your way to the infirmary.”

The blonde sighed deeply, it was obvious enough by now that he was not her favourite student. Knowing he was unable to resume his nap else he felt the wrath of his teacher, Shizuo merely made him self comfortable in preparation to stare at the board in a drowsy stupor for the next hour or so.

…………

The moment Shizuo heard the bell ring for break, he was taking quick strides out of the classroom, eager to get away from the claustrophobic mass of people. Of course not without a shadow at his heels. 

“Shizuo!” Shinra practically chirped in the blonde’s ear, doing his best to match his long strides as they walked towards to staircase leading to the roof. “Wasn’t that a great lesson? I can't help but find trigonometric functions so fascinating~”

“Yeah, it was great” Shizuo mumbled trying not to let Shinra’s enthusiasm increase the pressure in head by any. However, it was proving to be a difficult feat.

“Now I know your lying! You looked like you were sleeping with your eyes open for most of the class.” Shinra chuckled to himself, finding the blonde’s apparent suffering to be somewhat amusing. Shizuo had to repress the sudden urge to push him back down the few stairs they had already covered.

Although, his hostility must have shown in the more prominent hunch of his shoulders and scowl on his face because Shinra sent him a questioning glance.

“What’s wrong? You seem more grumpy than usual.” And then, “Did Izaya do something?” Despite the obvious teasing in Shinra’s tone, Shizuo still felt his muscles tense at the mention of that scheming fleabag.

“Nah, just got a headache.” Shinra hummed at that, stepping in front of Shizuo to push open the door to the roof.

“Yo, Shinra. Shizuo.”

“Kadota! I hope you weren’t waiting long~” Shinra chirped while bounding over to their shared friend, making himself comfortable of the ground beside him.

“Hey” Shizuo mumbled while taking a seat on the other side of Kadota, who had — along with Shinra — already brought out his lunch. 

“Woah, that’s a sour face. You all right Shizuo?” Kadota took one look at the blonde’s brooding expression and felt he had to ask. “It’s not Izaya is it…”

Shizuo was too busy trying to not grit his teeth at the memory of that good for nothing bastard that he didn't notice Kadota’s uncharacteristically serious expression directed his way.

“Nope! He’s just being grumpy because he has a headache.” Immediately shooting a glare towards to brunette, Shinra simply brushed it of and kept babbling, oblivious to the tense atmosphere he created by just mentioning Izaya’s name around Shizuo. “I asked him the same thing. But Izaya hasn't been around school a lot recently anyway. Not that that’s enough of a reason for you to stop hating him.” 

Before the blonde could say anything, Kadota spoke again with a stern gaze to match his serious tone. “I was going to say, if Izaya had done something, to just go easy on him this time around. I mean with everything that has been going on.”

Shizuo just sat confused, but before he could refute with something along the lines of ‘Why the hell would I ever go easy on that damn louse’ Shinra joined Kadota with a relatively somber, concerned expression.

“Are you talking about Izaya’s mum?” 

“What does his mum have to do with anything?” Shizuo immediately cut in, not liking this feeling of being out of the loop. Not that he would usually care about anything to do with Izaya.

Kadota and Shinra shared a knowing glance as if silently communicating whether or not they should let him in on this news, and that only frustrated him further. Kadota spoke up first.

“Izaya’s mum was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago and has been in hospital since. My aunt is a nurse there and she told me that she doesn't have long left. She might be gone by the end of the week, maybe sooner.”

“Wow, I knew things were bad but I had no idea she had such little time left.” As soon as Shinra finished he sent a dark glare towards Shizuo. “And before you say something insensitive like ‘he got what was coming to him’ let me remind you he has two little sisters that I doubt have done anything to deserve that.” 

Shizuo flinched at that. Despite how much the words stung he couldn't help the bitter anger that came with his only friends thinking the absolute worst of him. 

“What the hell? As if I would say anything like that!” _No one deserved that_ , he thought. _Not even that bastard_. “I had no idea that was happening. I didn't even know he had sisters.” Shizuo spoke quieter now. He felt his stomach tug with sympathy. He couldn't imagine losing one of his parents, or anyone he cared about for that matter. That was a kind of universal pain he knew he couldn't really understand, but could definitely sympathise with.

“I wonder what will happen to them afterwards.” Shinra mused, startling the blonde out of his thoughts. “Like if Izaya will have to move away.”

Shizuo had to immediately reprimand himself for thinking what an incredible gift that would be.

“What do you mean?” Kadota sent Shinra a confused look, waiting for him to elaborate.

“Well, Izaya doesn't have a dad. He left when he was young I think. So that means him and his sisters will probably go into the foster care system, and who knows where they'll end up or if they'll get to stay together.”

Shizuo felt his stomach drop even further. Suddenly, the flea’s scarce appearance the past month or so made a lot more sense. At first he had thought Izaya had been up to something, dark scheming in the shadows as usual, corrupting something innocent with his manipulative ways. But now, he understood that he was probably just grieving, the same as any other person. Shizuo felt sick. 

It always hurt to realise Izaya was more human than he had originally thought.

…………

Izaya sat atop of the chain link fence surrounding the schools perimeter, eyes searching for a certain blonde mop of hair. If one thing was for certain it was that tormenting Shizuo always put him in a better mood, and so waiting after school for the idiot hardly felt like a drag. The opposite in fact, he could hardly keep still. The muscles in his legs trembled with the anticipation of a chase, with the opportunity to release all his pent up anger and frustration in a fight. He sat ready to leap the moment he would hear heavy feet bounding his way.

But they never came.

Instead, Izaya startled at the familiar figure standing a few feet away from him out of the corner of his eye. Not expecting the blonde to make such a quiet appearance and much less just stand there staring at him for who knew how long. 

“Shizu-chan~” Izaya quickly replaced his startled expression with the usual smirk, and dropped his voice into a singsongy lilt. “That isn't like you to make such a non-destructive entrance, you’re losing your touch.” Izaya watched Shizuo's fists clench at his side and his scowl deepen into something more familiar. He let his fingers take a firm hold on the handle of the blade in his jacket pocket, ready to fend off an attack at a moments notice.

“Izaya” Shizuo grit out the ravens name with a surprising calm. Enough to confuse Izaya even before Shizuo simply spun on heel and walked off. 

“Huh?” Izaya could only stare dumbfounded at the blonde’s retreating back, and felt all of the anger surge tenfold inside him. Jumping down from the fence, he felt his body move on his own as he drew the knife from his pocket and pointed it at the back of Shizuo’s head.  
“What the hell do you think you’re doing monster?” Izaya, who usually prided him self on his emotional control couldn’t hold back the venom laced in his voice. 

Shizuo turned around to face an absolutely seething Izaya, more than a little shocked at the unfamiliar display. Never before had he seen the smirking bastard look so unstable and not in control of his emotions. It was a frightening sight to have the calm and collected Izaya he knew so well and hated disappear with the blink of an eye. Instead he was left staring at someone he almost didn't recognise. Someone who looked as though they were less than a second away from planting that knife deep between Shizuo’s eyes, just for turning his back on an inevitable fight.

Before Shizuo could let the red cloud his vision he had to remind himself what this was: Grief. Izaya was angry and hurt and he was taking it out on whoever he could. Not unlike what Shizuo would probably be doing himself in his situation.  
“What does it look like? I’m giving you a free pass. I don't feel like fighting today.” Shizuo released his words with as much calm as he could muster, already feeling the familiar anger drain out of him. He could now only feel sympathy for the intense rage and frustration he knew all too well etched into Izaya’s features.

However, to Shizuo’s dismay, this only seemed to anger the raven further.

Izaya felt his fists clench almost painfully around the knife he still held threateningly in Shizuo’s direction. He felt as though he was suffocating. The bubbling mix of anger and confusion tearing him apart from the inside. And what’s worse, it wasn't even Shizuo he was angry at, not really. But this mix of emotions were proving to be too overwhelming to handle, and to Izaya’s utter horror, his vision started to blur.

The fact that he was emotionally compromised in front of Shizu-chan was embarrassing enough, but if Izaya cried in front of him to match he was sure he would never live it down. So before all dignity was lost Izaya quickly turned away from the blonde, cursing his current fragility. 

Thankfully the sudden chime of ringtone brought his attention away from any further degradation on his part. Izaya pulled the phone from his back pocket and stole a glance at the screen still lit from an incoming message. He immediately recognised the number as the Ikebukuro General hospital, as he had frequently been receiving updates on his mother. 

Izaya felt his breath hitch in the back of his throat at the foreboding message that awaited him on the screen. It wasn't as though he hadn't prepared for it, he's had long enough for that. Though that wasn't to say he didn't feel the intense swell of nausea that rose within his stomach, just that he had been practicing enough to fake composure.

After feeling as though he had put on a mask thick enough to hide what he was currently feeling, Izaya turned back around half expecting to find Shizuo gone from his sight. But there he stood. Still silently staring, maybe with his mouth a little more agape at the glassy look he thought he had captured in the raven’s eyes prior to him turning away.

“Sorry Shizu-chan, I guess we’ll have to play another time.” Izaya spoke as calm as he could manage at that moment and started to make in the opposite direction. He half expected Shizuo to suddenly be at his heels, to snap out of whatever stupor it looked as though he was in and chase after his retreating form. Just like it had always been. 

The raven kept walking at an even pace, taking deep steady breaths if only to ease the still building nausea. Only once the school was out of sight did he explode into a sprint, all the while constantly re-reading the message still open on his phone.

**_Orihara-san, your mother has passed away in her sleep. I am very sorry for your loss. I must advise you to return as soon as possible._ **

Though he knew his sisters had been staying at the hospital with his aunt, he could only hope by some chance that they hadn't been there when it happened. They were too young to experience something like that.


	2. Cat's in the Cradle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now would also be a good time to mention that each chapter of the story will be named after a song that I was either listening to as I wrote or felt that it reflected the story well. I guess you could use it as a kind of playlist. Last chapter was a song by Setec. If you want a cool monogatari video to go with it, here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZX7EXpG9Gk . Everyone should know what this chapter's song is but if you don't, it's by Harry Chapin and you should listen to it.

There was no reason for Izaya to be panting as much as he was. He’s run further from Shizu-chan, faster too. And whatever exhaustion placed upon him from the run to the hospital, surely would have worn off after the quick strides through lobby and elevator ride to one of the uppermost floors.

No, there’s no reason for him to be this anxious.

All he had to focus on right now was finding his sisters and keeping them safe. As much as he hated to admit it, he was in unfamiliar territory. There was no intricate plan to be executed. Who knew what would happen from here on out, where Izaya knew he had little to no control.

He refused to admit that this was what scared him more than anything.

Soon enough he found himself in front of the room that had become a second home to him and his sisters over the past few months. Though looking at it now, pristine and disinfected, as though no one had ever lived there at all, made him feel sick to his stomach. There was nothing left of his mother’s presence, nothing that told him she had been laying there only hours ago. It was almost as if she had never existed at all.

Izaya felt his eyes glass over anew and his hand clench the doorframe — at which he leant against — painfully hard. A sudden hand on his shoulder startled him from ruminating any further.   
He turned around to find the familiar face of his aunt, frowning softy down at him. Before he could speak, she crouched down and circled her arms around him in a gentle embrace. While he would usually feel uncomfortable being in the arms of someone he really didn't know that well — or anyone for that matter — Izaya could sense that the hug was probably just as much for her as it was for him. Though after a few seconds of still composure, he felt something break inside him at the thought that this was as close as he would get to ever hugging his mother again. He found his hands easily clung to the back of her blouse and buried his head in the side of her neck. They’ve always looked painfully similar, his mother once told him they were often mistaken as twins when they were children. Right now, Izaya thought she even smelt like her and he cursed himself for being so human.

After what felt like the longest hug he’d ever had, Izaya removed himself from his aunt’s embrace and scrubbed at his watery eyes with the sleeve of his school jacket. 

“Where ar-” Before Izaya could finish, the girls in question sprinted around the corner from where his aunt had appeared moments ago.

“Iza-nii…” 

Izaya looked down to see the two red puffy faces of his little sisters. Hand in hand. Mairu with her long brown braids and Kururi with her short, choppy hair. Even as twins he had never seen them look so similar. Both stared up at him with trembling lips and a silent plea. Even Mairu, who often never knew when to stop talking only whispered his name. Seeing the girl’s bloodshot eyes start pouring anew Izaya felt as though he would burst into tears the moment he spoke. So instead he got on both of his knees and pulled the two small bodies into his arms. He felt each pair of tiny hands fist themselves in his jacket that soon became soaked at each shoulder with snot and tears, but Izaya couldn't care less. 

He just held on tighter, as though this would too slip from his grasp. Nothing else mattered to him. From now on his life would revolve around these two and giving them the best life he could manage. Even if he had to live on the run from the system forever, or had to sell himself to keep their home, or drop out of school and forge a new identity, one that could look after them. Whatever it took, he would do it. 

He told himself there’s nothing he _wouldn't_ do to keep them safe.

 

………….

 

As soon as Shizuo made it into his room, his school bag was thrown into a corner and he flopped stomach-first onto the bed. He let out a long sigh before pushing up to lean on his elbows as he fished through the pockets of his school slacks for his phone. The blonde only hesitated for a few seconds before he started typing out a message to Shinra.

[3:39] Shizuo: **_Hey, I ran into Izaya after school and he was acting really weird. He looked like he was about to cry before he ran off._**

Shizuo didn't know why he was even asking, of course the flea was acting weird, he was a weird flea! And with what had been apparently going on with him he was surprised he hadn't broken down into tears sooner. Shizuo thought he certainly would have. _I just need to talk to someone,_ thought Shizuo. He wasn't used to this new flea that he had to tread lightly around. It was unfamiliar. He was so used to just letting his anger take the reins and push him wherever he need to go, often barrelling in Izaya’s direction.

[3:42] Shinra: **_Well that doesn't surprise me right now._**  
[3:42] Shinra: **_Listen Shizuo, I just got a message from Kadota when I got home. He said his aunt told him Izaya’s mum passed away today, just a few hours ago. I know you probably don’t care but I just thought I should let you know so you don't say something insensitive to him in the future._**

Shizuo bristled, _again_ with thinking the worst of him. Did he really give off that bad of an impression? Then again he knew he didn't exactly have the best track record, and he _did_ always say how much he hated the flea. There was just no way he could ever kick someone while they’re down like that. He knew that much about himself.

[3:43] Shinra: **_Just be careful around him. I know you might find it hard to believe but he’s more fragile than he looks._**

Shinra was right, he _did_ find that hard to believe. Well, he did until today at least.

[3:45] Shizuo: **_Yeah, I know. And don’t worry, I will._**

Shizuo shut off his phone and threw it towards the end of his bed somewhere. He felt so exhausted that once he closed his eyes it didn't take long to fall in a heavy, peaceful slumber.

 

………….

 

Izaya sat on the uncomfortable bench with his head against the wall and his eyes closed. His hands continually patted the two heads resting in his lap. His aunt had left in search of coffee from a vending machine a few minutes ago and she had yet to return. His left him alone — besides his sleeping sisters — in the cold hospital lobby. They had asked him to sit and wait while they organised the various papers to sign, no doubt some involving the medical expenses he was sure had accumulated since his mum’s stay here.

His head hurt just thinking about it. What they were going to do now, how he was going to afford everything. He knew his mum had set aside a far bit of money for him for university before she had been diagnosed. However, three months without her working meant he had already used up the majority of what was left in their account. And that was mostly on the minimal and cheapest food he had been buying, along with things like rent and electricity. As it was, he didn't make enough himself part-time to support two children and a high schooler. He knew those university funds were going to disappear just as quick after he paid for these hospital bills and the funeral. Never mind the upcoming school fees or clothes for his growing sisters. He knew they couldn’t live on ready-made meals forever as well. 

His aunt did help out where she could but she was a single parent working a low figure job, she didn't exactly have a lot to spare. The girls had been staying there on weekends, when Izaya needed a chance to work and they needed some actual sustenance from food they couldn't afford. Though that didn't mean that could continue forever. She lived more than a few hours away and there definitely wasn't enough space for the three of them long-term. The girls had already missed too much school as well. They both had.

Izaya flinched as the phone in his pocket buzzed loudly against the plastic bench, interrupting a tense silence for most waiting in the lobby. He pulled it out as best he could with his lap currently occupied and was careful to not drop it on the head of a sleeping angel.

[3:59] Shinra: **_Hey, Izaya. I heard what happened and I’m really sorry for your loss. I know we aren't exactly the kind of friends that talk much but you are my friend. I know you don't really have anywhere to go right now so i’m offering my place. Dad is out of town for the week with Celty so there’s plenty of room, even if it’s just for tonight. I don't think you should be alone right now._**  
[4:00] Shinra: **_:)_**

Izaya sighed at the message. It’s not as though he didn't appreciate the offer because he did. It’s just that it was bad enough he had already been seen in such a fragile state by Shizu-chan of all people. He really didn't need to increase the witnesses to his vulnerability by any more. So he stuffed the phone back into his pocket without answering and told himself he’d rather be alone.

“Orihara-san?”

Izaya looked up at the sudden call of his name. After the nurse a few meters away motioned for him to follow her, he left his chair as quietly as he could while supporting his sister’s heads and then let them settle softly on the jacket he left folded on his seat. The nurse finished scribbling something on her clipboard as he approached, smiling sweetly.

“Sorry to bother you, but if I could just take up a bit of your time there are some documents I need you to look over.”

Izaya nodded politely and followed her to sit in a pair of chairs in the waiting room. Close enough to his sisters that he could keep and eye on them but far enough that their conversation wouldn’t be overheard should they wake up. The nurse pushed her long blonde ponytail over her shoulder and held her clipboard covered with papers in front of the raven. 

“If you could just sign at the bottom of these two papers, they will confirm that your mother’s body can be moved to the morgue for storage until the funeral takes place.” 

Izaya swallowed the lump in his throat and drew his elaborate signature across the line on both pages.

“And now this one here is just to confirm the hospital fees. A copy of this will also be mailed to your current address.”

Izaya held his breath while that one was placed in his lap with the clipboard for support. The total figure he laid eyes upon at the bottom of the page almost had him in tears. _Well, i’ll be paying that off for the rest of my life,_ he thought.

“And finally, I need to talk to you about your living situation. I’ve been told you have been staying with your aunt the past few months, is that what you will continue to do?”

“Yes, we have been.” I was a bit of a stretch, he realised. Only his sisters had been staying with her and only on weekends. “However, we now have a different family member coming to stay with us for the time being.” Izaya easily lied. Though, it seemed the nurse was convinced enough as she wished him well and disappeared behind double doors.

Izaya made his way back over to where he had left his sisters and where his aunt now sat, warming her hands with a can of coffee.

“Everything go all right?” she questioned.

“Yeah, just had to sign a couple of things for the body to be released and bills to be sent.” he sighed before slumping down in the chair next to her. Izaya ran a hand over his face and through his hair before settling it over his eyes.

“The girl’s can stay with me tonight, and until we figure something more permanent out. You’re welcome to as well. What did you tell the nurse?”

“That we had a family member coming to look after us.” He didn't remove his hand as he spoke, only mumbled quietly into the room.

“Well, I know you probably can't miss much more school so I understand if you want to stay home, and I know you can look after yourself. That being said, I really don't think you should be alone right now. Do you maybe have a friend close by that you can spend the night with?”

Izaya finally removed his hand and let it drop into his lap. He let it rest against the shape of his phone in his trouser pocket. His stomach still clenched with anxiety.

“Yeah, I do.”

 

…………..

 

The sun was starting to set by the time they made it home. Soft pinks and oranges streaked the sky and the driveway lay bathed in a warm glow. Izaya opened the car door and stepped out of the passenger seat before turning around to watch Mairu and Kururi do the same. The keys jingled in his shaky hands as he unlocked the front door. He didn't bother toeing his shoes of as he stepped inside, he would only be a few minutes.

His aunt followed the girl’s up the stairs and into their room, saying she’d help them pack what they needed. That left Izaya to himself as he made his way into his own room. He pulled out a black backpack and started to stuff it with pyjamas, an extra school shirt for tomorrow, a fresh pair of boxer briefs and socks and the charger for his phone. He then went into the bathroom to add his toothbrush and some deodorant to the backpack, protected in a little ziplock bag.

By the time he was back downstairs the sky had already considerably darkened during the last 10 or so minutes he’d been busy packing. He picked up the school bag he’d dropped next to the front door at his arrival and continued out to the car to throw both bags into the passenger seat. It was after he’d turned around to head back inside that he heard it. The low rumble of an engine coming down the road.

Izaya turned to find a sleek black car rolling slowly down the street, as though they were looking for a house they had no clue where to find. He kept his eyes on the suspicious vehicle as it came closer to the house, only for them to widen as it put on its blinker and pulled into their driveway, slowing to a stop behind his aunt’s.

Izaya slowly made his way over to the car, ready to point out directions to a seemingly lost individual that must have seen his driveway loitering as an invitation to ask for help. It was hard to see through the dark tinted windows so he stood at the drivers side and waited for them to roll the window down. As soon as it did, he watched the driver startle at his presence, as if he had been expecting someone else.

“Are you lost?” Izaya put on his most polite smile and eyed the stranger warily. The stranger looked conflicted for a moment. After he had recovered from the shock, he saw his eyes harden and lips town downward before they eventually settled on a smile similar to Izaya’s. Polite but with a threatening edge.

“No, I don't think so.” 

Izaya stepped back as the stranger opened his car door, simultaneously rolling the window back up. He shut the door behind him and turned to face the raven fully.

“Izaya, you’ve… grown.” The man finally settled on, eyeing Izaya up and down.

“I’m sorry, have we met before?” Izaya’s eyes harden further and his smile flagged a bit. The man didn't seem perturbed by it at all.

“Ah, last I saw you was quite a while ago. Maybe ten years. What are you now, sixteen?” 

Izaya tried to place the face of this man to a memory but he kept coming up short. Although, that was not to say he didn’t recognise him. No, there was something uncannily familiar about the dark shaggy hair and garnet eyes. Before Izaya could open his mouth to reply, he heard the front door shut and footsteps make their way down the driveway.

“Izaya, what’s going on. Who’s car is tha-”

As soon as his aunt came into view she stopped in her tracks. Momentarily confused, recognition eventually hit her and Izaya saw her soft and startled expression turn livid. He watched in slight awe as she stomped up to the newcomer and slapped him clean and sharp across the face. The man appeared indifferent to it, almost as if he had somewhat expected it. He just rubbed his reddening cheek and smiled softy at her.

“It’s nice to see you too, Yuriko.”

Izaya closed his slightly gaping mouth and turned a questioning place towards his aunt, Yuriko. _So they know each other?_ She was, however, too busy glaring daggers at the man to notice Izaya’s current confusion.

“How dare you show up here! And now! After all this time!” She yelled. “After everything you did to my sister, to this family!”

Izaya was floored. The _nerve_ of this woman. He had definitely underestimated her and resolved to never get on her bad side.

The man in question had lost his smile. He now matched her glare with an almost equal ferocity and set frown at his lips.

“This is hardly the time, Yuriko. I know i’ve made my fair share of mistakes but i’m here now and last I checked this _is_ still my house.” 

_His_ house? Izaya was thoroughly confused. 

Though in any case, this seemed to be the wrong thing to say as Yuriko’s fists clenched even tighter and for a second Izaya thought she might take a swing at the man.

“Kyouko is DEAD!” she yelled. “She’s dead and where were you, huh? Where were you THEN Shirou?”

_Shirou?_

_What?-_

_Oh…_

_That_ Shirou.

Izaya suddenly felt an overwhelming wave of anger hit him. It was so heavy he felt dizzy with the need to pull the knife from his pocket and embed it into the man’s neck. It was all he could do to even his breathing and uncurl the fists at his side. He couldn't look at him. He had to stare at his own black school shoes while he listened to the man talk. He didn't want to see those familiar eyes, too similar to his own.

“I know. I wish I had gotten here sooner. I wished with everything I had that I could have at least gotten to say goodbye. But that’s not what happened, and now i’m here to fix things. I’m here to comfort _my_ kids and take care of them when they will need me the most.” He spoke so calm and collected, as if he was entitled to everything he had been saying was _his_. As if the last ten years could be so easily brushed aside. 

Izaya felt like he was choking. Lucky for him, his aunt had no qualms about speaking her mind whilst still shaking with barely restrained rage.

“Those kids stopped being your’s the day you left them.” She spoke quieter now. Less unbridled fury and more seething with disgust. She turned on her heel and walked with quick strides back to the front door. Where he could now see his two sisters cowering behind it, slightly ajar. He watched as she loaded the girl’s bags into the back of the car before ushering them in as well. 

They were only staring at _him_ , looking to their big brother for answers when he had none.

“Izaya, let’s go. I’ll drop you at your friend’s house now.” She called out with a terse voice from inside the car.

Izaya finally lifted his head to look at his father. The father who he had so little memories of and hardly any of them good. He tried to find a detachment from the situation that made his words feel cold and empty. Not unlike how he felt himself at that moment.

“I’ve already agreed to stay at a friend’s house tonight and the girls are staying with Aunt Yuriko. Make yourself at home I guess. I mean it is technically yours anyway.” He watched the man’s brows furrow and his eyes turn sharp against him. “I’ll be back tomorrow, in the afternoon.” He turned then, ignoring the prickling sensation of having someone glare into the back of his head. He got into the passenger seat of the car and sat with a serene calmness that surprised even himself. He buckled up his seatbelt as his aunt pulled out from in front of the black BMW blocking her in and drove to the left across the front lawn to get out, only just missing their mailbox.

It wasn't until they were on the road and had been driving for a few minutes that Izaya felt his tightly coiled muscles unwind a bit. He looked to his right to see that his aunt had also relaxed slightly. Only glancing every so often at the GPS where Izaya had put in Shinra’s address. Though that didn't mean anyone would decide to break the tense silence. Everyone sat quietly, listening to their own breathing. Even the girls were silent. Sensing their confusion was better left unsaid for the moment.

Izaya felt himself drifting off when Yuriko broke the quiet. Still with a deep frown.

“The guy’s a scumbag, so I won't apologise.”

“I don't want you to.” Izaya replied softly. 

At that she turned to look at him and smiled sadly. 

“I’m surprised you remember him.”

“I don’t.” He interjected. “I just knew he looked familiar and then once you said his name I put it together.”

She hummed quietly and for a while Izaya thought that was the end of the conversation. She spoke again after a few minutes of thought.

“I never really liked him, not since I met him. He was charming and good liar, but I saw right through it. He did love your mum though. I think.” She added. “But after you were born he started to get agitated more easily and he was always going away for work. Your mum would constantly call me up in tears, saying that he was never around anymore and she felt so overwhelmed. When she confronted him about it they always fought too.” She looked to Izaya as though she was studying him. “It broke her heart when he left but I think it was for the best. At least he left her a big chunk of money. He was always loaded and I got the feeling he might’ve been involved in the yakuza or something equally as shady. He was a very intelligent man from what I gathered, that’s probably where you get that from.”

Izaya flinched. He didn't want to be reminded of how much he really did take after the man that had broken his mother’s heart, that was practically a stranger to him.

He hadn't noticed they’d stopped until he looked out of his window and recognised the house they had parked in front of.

“The girls can stay with me for the next couple days or until the school rings. I’ll try to figure something out for after that”

Izaya felt relieved at that, he didn't want them alone in that house anymore. At least not with _him_ there.

“You’re welcome too, if you don't feel safe there. Not that I don't think you can’t handle yourself.” She turned to smile at him and he felt his anxiety deflate a little.

“I’ll be fine. I can’t miss anymore school with exams coming up. Besides, i’ll ask some lawyers I know to try and figure out if there is anything I can do to get him out.”

“Mm, okay. Have fun then. Call me if you need anything.”

He smiled softly at her and stepped out of the door. He picked up both bags off the floor of the car and threw them over his shoulder. He peered into the back of the car, ready to say goodbye to his sisters, only to find them fast asleep on each other. He smiled affectionately at them.

“Don’t worry about them. I’ll talk to them about everything.” Izaya drew his gaze away and forced himself to turn towards the house in front of him.

“Yeah, okay. Bye” he mumbled before closing the car door. As he walked up the front steps, he watched them drive off down the street from the corner of his eye.

Thinking about what was probably waiting for him inside, he had never felt so completely exhausted.


	3. How soon is now?

Shinra was just settling into the couch with a bowl of microwave popcorn when someone knocked at the door. He paused the nondescript action movie that was about to begin and made his way to the door. He did realise that he had invited Izaya over but never thought the other would actually agree to stay the night. Therefore, he couldn't contain his shock when he looked through the peephole to find Izaya staring at his feet with a bag thrown over either shoulder. He wasted no time in unlocking the door and throwing it open to stare at such a strange sight. Izaya Orihara, so full of pride and constantly denying Shinra’s offers for company and attempts at friendship. 

“You never replied to my message. I wasn't expecting you.” Shinra tried to contain his excitement, if only to avoid seeming rude when Izaya was obviously in need of comfort.

“Yeah, sorry. I forgot.” He mumbled to the ground, also very un-Izaya-like. Shinra reached out to pull Izaya in by his arm and took his bags for him.

“Well, come on then. I was just about to watch a movie, I made popcorn and everything!” He gestured to the couch, “Here, take a seat. I’ll put your things in my room.” Izaya watched as Shinra scurried down the hall and he himself took a seat on one side of the couch. 

He was a little surprised when Shinra came back only to sit down right next to Izaya on the large spacious couch and press play on the movie. He had come prepared for incessant conversational probing and questions, maybe even to listen all night to stories of his beloved Celty. However, he could not express how grateful he was that Shinra had understood his need for quiet. He would even overlook the close contact and refrain from telling Shinra to sit somewhere else on the completely vacant couch that didn't leave their shoulders almost touching.

Despite the foreign environment, it only took a few minutes for Izaya to become completely relaxed. He slumped back into the couch and watched the movie to distract himself from thinking any further. He intermittently stole pieces of popcorn from the bowl in Shinra’s lap, to which Shinra paid no attention. He appeared so completely engrossed in the action-packed sequences that Izaya felt him jump a little when he tilted his head to rest it against Shinra’s shoulder.

Izaya ignored it and found the contact more comforting that he would have thought it to be. He eventually closed his eyes and felt himself drift off. Oblivious to Shinra’s small affectionate smile at having his friend exhibit human emotions, Izaya slept a dreamless sleep while Shinra finished the film and the bowl of popcorn himself.

 

…………

 

When Izaya woke up he could not for the life of him remember where he fell asleep. The room was completely dark but for the moonlight coming in through the window. Izaya could make out the TV in front of him and the soft couch under him. _Shinra’s_ , he remembered. Though Shinra was nowhere to be seen, the only telling that he had been there at all was the kitted blanket thrown over Izaya’s body. He pulled the phone from his pocket and checked the time. He was shocked to find that it was already eight o’clock. 

Izaya stood from the couch and made his way down the hall, using the lit screen of his phone to guide him. He was soon able to pocket the phone as he neared Shinra’s bedroom that was spilling light from under the door. He slowly turned the handle and looked inside the room, squinting at the sudden onslaught of light. Shinra was at his desk, reading from what looked like a math textbook.

“Ah, you’re up. Sorry I didn't wake you, I thought you could use the sleep.” Shinra closed his book and spun around in the swivel chair he sitting in to face Izaya.

“It’s okay, I just wanted to change out of my uniform.” Izaya made his way over to his bags and started rummaging through the backpack, until he pulled out a plain black T-shirt and a grey pair of sweatpants. Shinra turned back around to fiddle with some things on his desk, giving Izaya some privacy to get changed. He turned back around when he saw Izaya placing his folded school clothes on top of his bag.

“So, are you hungry?” Shinra questioned and Izaya tried to think of the last time he had eaten, he couldn't remember.

“No, that’s okay.” He still felt sick. He didn't know if he would ever feel not-sick again. “I’m just really tired. Haven't been sleeping much.” He explained.

Shinra hummed suspiciously but didn't question it.

“Well, I was just about to go to sleep myself.” He stood up and pointed into his room. “You can have the bed since you’re the guest and all. I’ll go grab the extra futon.” Shinra turned to leave the room, but Izaya spoke up before he could.

“That’s okay, I don’t mind sharing. If _you_ don’t, that is.” Izaya quickly added already getting under the blankets. He was very much aware that he was acting strange and clingy but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He was so sick and tired and _sad_. It felt as though the last three months of sleepless nights and stress-filled days were only now catching up with him once it was over. He needed this. He needed to feel something other than lonely.

“I don’t mind.” Shinra grinned a toothy smile. “I’ll just pretend you’re Celty.” Izaya laughed at that.

“Please don’t. I don’t want to wake up and see you have a boner.”

Shinra didn't seem perturbed in the least. He just laughed and turned the light off before jumping onto the bed, his knees barely missing Izaya’s head.

“Jeez, are you always this hyper before you go to sleep?” Izaya complained with a smile that went unseen in the dark. Shinra just kept giggling like a crazy person and burrowed under the covers.

“Nope, only when you’re here.” Shinra said breathlessly.

“Lucky me.” Izaya spoke sarcastically but without any bite. It didn't take Shinra long to quiet down after and Izaya felt himself losing his grip on consciousness. He was almost asleep when Shinra suddenly broke the silence.

“Izaya? Are you awake?” 

“No.” Izaya mumbled sleepily.

“Liar.”

He huffed a laugh and turned on his side to face Shinra. Unable to read his features in the dark, Izaya was only able to stare at the indiscernible black lump.

“Do know where you’ll go now? Like, will you have to move away with your aunt?” 

Izaya gave a long sigh into the room.

“I don’t know, Shinra.” But before Shinra could say anything, he continued. “Something weird happened today.” He spoke so softly, Shinra almost didn't catch it.

“What was it?”

Izaya hesitated for only a moment before answering.

“My dad came home today.”

Shinra startled, not having expected that in the slightest. 

“The one that left when you were like, six?”

“Yeah, one and the same.”

“Hmm, how can you be sure it was him.” Shinra questioned.

“My aunt was there and she recognised him. Started yelling at him too. And-” He felt sick talking about it. “He looked like me. He reminded me so much of myself now that I think about it. It was disgusting.”

“Well, maybe this isn't as bad as you think. Now you might not have to go anywhere.” Shinra explained.

“Seems more likely that I’ll have to leave to get away from him if he claims the house.” Izaya ran a hand through his hair. “I don't know. We could definitely use the money, apparently he’s loaded. Pulled up in a BMW and everything. But-” He hesitated once again. “I don't really know him.”

“This could be a good time to. Everyone deserves a second chance and if you’re so alike maybe you’ll get on great.” Shinra just refused to see the negatives present in the situation. “Whatever happens i’m sure it'll turn out okay.”

Izaya wished he could feel the positive energy Shinra was giving off. He heard what he was saying but to him it only sounded like an opportunity for something worse to happen, for things to become more difficult.

He refused to think let alone voice what was really eating him from the inside. He didn't know why. It was completely irrational but for some reason-

_He scares me._

 

……………

 

Izaya awoke to the sound of Shinra’s soft snoring and the sunlight coming in through the window hot on his left side. He had no memory of falling asleep and found himself so comfortable he had trouble establishing the will to get up. Though once he did, he quickly found his phone he forgot to charge overnight and checked the time. Once he did he grabbed Shinra’s shoulder and started shaking him awake.

“Shinra, we’re going to be late if you don't get up.”

Shinra groaned and his eyes fluttered open, through that lasted all of probably about ten seconds before he ducked under the blanket and groaned again. Izaya tried to stifle his laughter at the childish display. He picked up the pillow he had been sleeping on and it hovered over Shinra’s sleeping form for no more than a second before it descended upon him in quick hits to the back of his head.

“Ow ow ow, what the hell Izaya-”

As soon as Shinra’s face appeared from out of the covers Izaya had already placed the pillow back under his head and feigned his innocence with a small “What?”

Shinra just narrowed his eyes at the offender and rose from bed with a little more enthusiasm. “Ah, what a beautiful day!” He sighed while stretching.

“Well that was a turnaround.” Izaya chuckled while Shinra skipped out of the room with some apparent newfound energy. He listened to the clang of pans and pots coming from the kitchen while he undressed and then redressed into his school uniform, forgoing a shower because of the lack of time but putting on the deodorant he brought and brushing his teeth with vigour. 

He came out into the kitchen just as Shinra sneezed into a cup of flour that dispersed over everything in close contact, including Shinra’s face and clothes. He watched him stand there for a minute in shock before he had taken off his glasses to rub the flour from them. Izaya was bent over from the force of his laughter.

“AH HA HA HA, oh my god that was the best thing that I have ever seen!” His laughter only increased at Shinra’s disbelieving look, like he wasn't yet quite sure what had actually happened but still could not believe Izaya was laughing at him.

“Oh be quiet. This is your fault! I don't know how or why, but it is!” 

Izaya tried to quell his amusement and looked at the mess that Shinra had made. Not just the flour, there was spilt milk and an egg that had been dropped on the floor. “What are you even trying to make?”

Shinra just grinned like an idiot. “I was going to surprise you with pancakes!”

Izaya tried to stay composed as he came over to take the cup and flour from Shinra’s hands. “How about you go get changed while I finished making them.”

Shinra looked down at himself and sighed. “Okay…” He mumbled dejectedly and walked back down the hall.

Izaya tried to salvage what he could of the mix by picking out the pieces of eggshell and sifting in the rest of the flour. By the time Shinra was back from changing and washing his face, Izaya already had four pancakes on a plate and finished cooking the rest. Shinra wasted no time in grabbing a few and drowning them in maple syrup. Izaya went for the bottle of lemon juice instead and poured a sparing amount over his pancakes. They ate in relative silence while the morning news played on the TV from the living room.

When Shinra left to go brush his teeth, his phone sat in his place on the counter. Izaya paid no mind to it until it buzzed, garnering his attention. Izaya leant over in his seat to look it the screen of the phone, he was pleasantly surprised to find a that he had message from Shizu-chan. He grabbed the phone and was shocked to find it unlocked with a swipe. What kind of an idiot doesn't have a password on their phone? _Only Shinra_ , he thought, _and probably Shizu-chan._

[7:34] Shizuo: **_Hey Shinra, can you please make sure you bring your history textbook today. I need it for class and I’ve lost mine somewhere. Thanks._**

Izaya felt giddy, he could definitely have some fun with this.

[7:35] Shinra: **_Good morning Shizu-chan, is ‘losing’ your textbook actually code for destroying it beyond recognition? That wouldn't surprise me. I’ll bring mine along but I really wouldn't bother using it, you’re already a lost cause._**

[7:35] Shinra: **_:D_**

He could feel his mood bettering by the second. It took Shizuo a few minutes to respond, no doubt stewing in his own confusion and hopefully guilt.

[7:38] Shizuo: **_Okay? Sorry i asked…_**  
[7:38] Shizuo: **_And Shizu-chan? What are you trying to pull Shinra! Do you want me to beat you to a bloody pulp?!_**

[7:39] Shizuo: **_Wait… Izaya?!_**

[7:39] Shizuo: **_IS THAT YOU FILTHY FLEABAG?_**

[7:39] Shinra: **_I don't what you are taking about Shizu-chan. This is Shinra._**

Izaya couldn't hold back his laughter anymore, though it must’ve been too loud because a second later Shinra came back into the room.

“Hey, what’s so fun- HEY! What are doing to my phone!” Shinra ran over and grabbed the phone from Izaya hands. “No no, what have you done? I don't want to be a bloody pulp!” He tried to salvage what he could of the conversation, if only to prevent irreparable damage to his face and his friendship.

[7:41] Shinra: **_NO SHIZUO, LISTEN TO ME THAT WAS IZAYA! I DONT THINK YOU’RE A LOST CAUSE AND OF COURSE YOU CAN USE MY TEXTBOOK!_**

Shinra felt his years disappearing with each minute he waited for a response.

[7:43] Shizuo: **_Tch, that’s what I thought. Why is the flea with you anyway?_**

[7:43] Shinra: **_He slept over last night, we’re just having breakfast now so I’ll see you in 15 minutes or so, okay?_**

[7:44] Shizuo: **_Yeah, whatever._**

Shinra just sighed, “Well, I did what I could?”

Izaya tried to hold back any more laughter while he finished off his pancakes. “Sorry Shinra, sometimes I just can’t help myself.”

“Yeah, I’ve noticed” Shinra scoffed.

Once he had finished, Izaya went to get his schoolbag and backpack from Shinra’s room while Shinra put the dishes in the sink. They both left the house with ten minutes to spare, the exact amount of time it would take to walk to the school. Though they must have been walking too slow because by the time they had entered the gates of Raijin Academy, the schoolyard was empty and students were already filing into their seats.

…………….

 

Shizuo stood next to the school lockers while repeatedly tapping his foot impatiently. Classes were already starting and Shinra was still no where to be seen, along with the textbook he needed before going to class himself. He was about to give up and head off to class, figuring getting in trouble for being so late would be worse than not having his textbook, when he heard footsteps coming down the hallway. The closer they got the easier it was to make out the unmistakable sound of Shinra’s prattling, along with another nasally voice that made his muscles tense and his blood heat up on instinct.

“Shinra, you’re too slow. I knew I should have left you halfway, now we’re both going to be late.”

“Aw, you could never do that to me Izaya, you love me too mu-“ Shinra stopped in his tracks abruptly at the sight of an irritated Shizuo, obviously waiting for something… _Oh shit._

“Ah, Shizuo! I'm so sorry I completely forgot.” Shinra fumbled with his school bag, shuffling around the books inside until he pulled out the heavy history textbook and handed it to Shizuo. “Sorry we made you wait.”

Shizuo grabbed the book from Shinra’s hands but kept his eyes on the amused looking louse, trying to channel all of his usual rage into a hard glare.

“Don’t worry Shinra, monsters have no need for an education, they’re a lost cause after all.” 

Izaya’s condescending tone grated on nerves, like nails down a chalkboard. It was all he could to hold back from throwing the book in his hand at that smug looking face. If only because, from the weight of it, he knew it would do some real damage. He just took a deep breath and closed his eyes, something he found worked quite well in calming his rage; apparently if he couldn't see that self-righteous smirk and those eyes the colour of dried blood, his anger was easier to quell.

Both Shinra and Izaya stared after him in shock as he turned on his heels and stalked off to the class he was already running late for. He was still within earshot as he reached the door of his classroom, he paused just around the corner and heard Izaya sigh and speak with what he recognised as feigned indifference.

“That guy’s no fun anymore”

“He’s definitely getting better at holding back. I can’t believe he’s trying so hard just because I asked him to! Maybe he doesn't hate you as much as we thought…” Shinra chuckled to himself but all Shizuo could think was: _Yeah, as_ if! _I’m only trying to be the bigger person, something he is so obviously incapable of._

Shizuo couldn't see but Izaya’s face scrunched up into a look of disgust. “Don’t make me laugh, Shinra. And don't do that _ever_ again. I’m not some delicate flower that you need to stick up for.” Izaya sneered the words. “Besides, to be honest I find this docile beast to be quite boring.”

Shizuo chanced a glance around the corner he was stood by and watched Shinra’s face set with a scowl. “He’s just trying to not make things any worse for you right now, there’s nothing wrong with that.”

“Yes, there is.” The raven spat back. “Monsters aren’t capable of change or emotion or anything of the sort, especially not for someone they hate.” Izaya stuffed his backpack into his school locker and stalked off to his class before Shinra could get another word in. 

Shizuo made his own way into class feeling bitter. Izaya always acted like everything he did was a personal vendetta against him, whether he was trying to kill him or making an effort to do the exact opposite. It was like Shinra had said, he was just trying to do the right thing, trying to prove that he wasn't the monster Izaya always said he was. _Why couldn't he see that?_

 

……………

 

Izaya had just finished putting the books back in his bag after the bell sounded for lunch, when he saw Shinra waiting outside his classroom door. He walked straight past him as he left, pretending he didn't see him at all. Shinra took no notice and simply followed after him, jogging a little to catch up to his friend. 

“How was your class Izaya?”

Izaya sighed tiredly, the day was only half way through and he already felt exhausted. “What do you want, Shinra?” 

“I want you to have lunch with us.”  
Izaya almost stumbled over his own two feet in an effort to stop walking so abruptly. “In all the years we have known each other, you have never once asked me to sit with you for lunch. Why start now?” His voice was flat as an attempt to feign disinterest.

“Well, I always knew you and Shizuo wouldn't be able to sit in the same room as each other without all hell breaking loose. But now that he is making an effort to not kill you every chance he gets, I thought this would be a good opportunity to have the group together for once.”

“I think i’ll pass.”

“Aw, don't be like that, it’ll be fun!” Shinra looked up at him through his lashes, the sunlight glinting off of his glasses. “Please?”

Izaya scoffed. As if puppy dog eyes were going to work on _him_. He thought about seeing the brute try to contain his anger, all red-faced and flustered, the vein on his forehead throbbing with a life of its own while Izaya threw insults his way. _Hmm, maybe I could use this to my advantage._

“Fine.” He sighed, watching Shinra’s eyes light up. He put on his cruelest smirk and smiled down at the brunette. “Whatever makes you happy, Shinra.” 

Shinra shuddered at the sinister aura he could see enveloping his friend. He laughed nervously and gestured for Izaya to follow him to the roof, where him and his friends often ate their lunch. 

The cold wind whipped through his hair as he stepped out onto the roof, why they bothered to eat up here, Izaya couldn't tell. He’d much rather be holed up in the library with a wide array of human knowledge and experience to keep him company. But he could humour Shinra and the others, just this once. 

“Look who's joining us today!” Shinra announced to the pair already sitting on the concrete.

Izaya watched with the utmost amusement as both Shizuo and Kadota’s mouths fell open in shock, the latter looking back and forth between Shizuo and himself as if he could not comprehend their shared presence and was dreading what would come of it. He had to stifle his laughter as he watched the blonde’s chopsticks snap in his grasp and fall to the ground. _This was just too funny._

“Now, now, don't be like that Shizuo. Today is a special occasion so i’d be very disappointed if you couldn't keep that temper of yours under control.” To add insult to injury, Shinra spoke while petting the blonde’s hair like a dog. He immediately backed off with a shaky laugh however, after he heard a low growl coming from said blonde. Izaya watched in fascination as Shizuo simply stared into his food and started picking the splintered wood fragments of his broken chopsticks out of the rice.

“Wow Shinra, i’m impressed. You’ve tamed the beast and have him following your commands like a loyal dog.” Izaya thought he heard Shinra whimper at his words before he brushed them off, laughing nervously.

“Oh no, I would never think such a thing! Now let’s all just sit and be nice to each other while we have a lovely meal ahaha…” Shinra trailed off and sat next to Kadota, not wanting to put himself so close to an irritated Shizuo, but realising only after the fact that he had left that spot as the only place for Izaya to sit. Before he could change his mind and quickly slide over to be next to Shizuo, Izaya sat down right in the middle of the two. Izaya held back a grin as he felt his own shoulder brush against Shizuo’s and the obvious tension in the blonde’s own shoulders that came with it. 

He observed the faces of everyone in their little circle. Kadota’s flabbergasted one, Shinra’s weary and conflicted one, as though he wanted to squeeze his way between Shizuo and Izaya to break the tension with physical force, and finally Shizuo’s hateful one, glaring into his food with his eyebrows furrowed like it had personally offended him. Izaya had never felt more at ease seeing everyone else so on edge. He’d always made it his priority to bask in other people’s misery, today was no exception. 

“Everyone is so quiet! Don't mind me, just pretend i’m not here and talk about whatever you usually do.” Izaya’s tone was condescending and smug but he couldn't help it one bit. 

Kadota was the first to make an attempt at breaking the awkward tension. Izaya watched him look around the circle for someone to start a conversation with, skipping over Shizuo — who didn't look to be up for a conversation at the moment — and then himself — which Izaya could appreciate, as he wasn't always the easiest person to converse with. That left Shinra, who Kadota just stared at for a moment, as if he was trying to silently communicate to his friend: _Please make this easy for me_. Izaya swore that he could read his thoughts, see the cogs turning in his mind. Kadota finally cleared his throat and spoke as casually as he could manage. “So, Shinra, what did you get up to last night.”

“Izaya and I had a sleepover! We watched a movie and made pancakes for breakfast!” Shinra grinned like the idiot he was and Izaya tried not to smile at Kadota’s obvious discomfort in talking about himself while Shizuo was present. But Shizuo made no move to do anything other than frown into his food.

“Well, that sounds like fun… I hope you two didn't get up to any trouble.” 

Izaya couldn't help but laugh at how much Kadota sounded like concerned parent reprimanding their child. 

“The only trouble I had, was when Shinra started to undress me in his sleep.”

Izaya watched in amusement as Kadota choked on his food and Shizuo just choked on the air in general. Next to him, Shinra made some sort of a squeak of indignation.

“I did no such thing, you liar! I am a man of honour and my heart belongs to Celty!”

“Where was your honour when your hands were down my pants!” Izaya pouted while speaking. 

This time Shinra just laughed in genuine amusement and gave him a playful shove. “Stop it, Izaya! That’s not funny.”

Izaya grinned. “I thought it was pretty funny.” He continued to laugh as he fended off Shinra’s jabs to his side, grabbing the brunette’s wrists, he placed them back in his lap. He was aware of both Shizuo and Kadota’s stares directed their way, most likely at the apparent affection they were displaying. Izaya didn't see what the big deal was, he was just being playful and to be honest, he was enjoying this affectionate side of their relationship that he had been exploring recently. It was the first time he’d ever felt like he had a friend that he could be close with, comfortable with. He realised that he was probably stepping on dangerous territory, with the way he was leaving himself open and vulnerable, but he figured at this point, what did it matter? It already felt like his life was turning to shit so who cared if he let his guard down for one more person? The worse that could happen is that he would get left behind, that they would realise he’s more trouble than he’s really worth, and as scary as that used to sound, it was familiar by now.

While Shinra had started to search for his own food, Izaya watched Shizuo from the corner of his eye. He was having trouble picking anything up with the broken chopsticks and Izaya almost felt sorry for him. He thought about offering his own, he knew he had a pair in his bag, but even if he did accept them it was more than likely the brute would just break those too…

A strong gust of wind whipped by and Izaya shivered, he pulled his jacket around himself a little tighter and drew his knees up to his chest. It wouldn't be long before the bell rang once again and he would have to return to his class. The day was passing by too quickly for his comfort, or maybe it was the dread that pooled in his belly at the thought of going home that made everything seem to slip away a little faster, even time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, I promise things will get interesting soon. This chapter's song is by The Smiths, I feel like some of the lyrics, particularly the chorus, represent Izaya and how he feels really well. More so older Izaya's character than high school Izaya. I recommend giving it a listen.


	4. Porcelain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izaya took a step closer, his chest almost touching the blonde’s, but Shizuo wasn't intimidated in the least, if only just a little disturbed at the image of Izaya’s manic grin coupled with the dried blood still smeared across that porcelain skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Porcelain by Y2K & Smrtdeath and Porcelain by The Lunar Year, two very different but very beautiful songs for this chapter that could both represent Izaya's point of view, and his feelings in general. For the moment they could represent his feelings on losing his mother and later in the story they could represent his feelings towards Shizuo.

Shizuo had never been more glad to return to class after lunch, and that was a terrifying thought. The flea’s mere presence just put him on edge. His muscles felt the constant burn of tension and he felt frustrated beyond belief at how careful he was being. What confused him the most was that he didn't feel an overwhelming urge to fling Izaya off of the roof or beat him bloody. Watching him talk with Shinra and play around as though they had always been the best of friends, made Shizuo feel a pang of guilt. It was his fault that Shinra never smiled and laughed like that, _he_ was the one who couldn't get along with Izaya, who couldn't be around him without turning into a wild animal. Sure, the flea wasn't exactly blameless in that aspect and he still annoyed the hell out of Shizuo but be that as it may, Shizuo was more annoyed at himself.

His headache from the day before had returned at full force and he was up out of his seat before anyone else when class was dismissed. If he could just hurry up and make it home, then he could sleep to his hearts content, the only thing that seemed to help ease his exhaustion and the constant pounding in his temples. But that could only last while his eyes were closed. As soon as he was awake, all he wanted was to be otherwise.

He made it outside and headed straight for the school gate, silently praying that no one would jump him on his way back home. He didn't want to take his irritation out on some unsuspecting gang member, some _kid_ that just wanted to prove himself to his buddies. That would only make him feel worse in the long run. He wasn't fit to carry this inhuman strength. Ironically, he felt too weak. His temper was too short to keep that strength in check and his mind was too sensitive to live with the consequences of his actions. 

It was nothing but a burden, feeding his self-hatred in greedy gulps.

He never made it to the gate, his name being called stopped him in his tracks. The only reason he didn't completely ignore it was because he remembered the heavy weight in his bag that was not his to carry. He turned and walked towards the source of the voice, Shinra. Not really surprised to find the bane of his existence attached to the brunette’s hip, just like they had been since Shizuo had first seen them that morning. _Weird._

He pulled the textbook out of his bag and dropped it into Shinra’s hands before the brunette could open his mouth again. He was eager to get home and could not be bothered holding up a conversation that consisted of even one word. 

But apparently god decided today would be a fitting day for punishment, because before he hadn’t taken even three steps away from the duo — hands shoved deep into his pockets — before that nasally voice called out and an arm was linked through his own. 

“Shizu-chan~ You look down today, how about me and Shinra keep you company on your walk home.”

Izaya’s voice was as grating as ever and he immediately stiffened at the contact. He looked down with narrowed eyes to find Izaya clinging to his tense arm standing so close he was practically cuddled into the blonde’s body. _He is literally a thorn in my side, were his thoughts._

The urge to grab that body and throw it away from him, to throw something heavy and hard after it, was so tempting that he had to focus all of his energy on just breathing and keeping his clenched fists in those jacket pockets. He stared straight ahead and started walking with long strides. Izaya seemed to be caught off guard by this abrupt change in pace and stumbled a bit, getting dragged along by his insistent grip on the blonde’s arm. Shizuo would have laughed had the raven not regained his balance so quickly and, instead of letting go, matched Shizuo’s pace with equally long strides, his hold just as — if not more — unrelenting.

He could hear Shinra jogging to catch up, his voice stuttering and shaky. “W-wait a minute Izaya! Lets n-not do anything rash ahaha…”

Shizuo completely ignored him. He just kept walking, speeding up in the hope that Izaya would let go and give up this irritating game. Shizuo stopped suddenly, Izaya also jerking to a halt. The close contact and strong flea stench invading his nostrils was too overwhelming for him to handle. He stared down at those dark, red, glaring eyes, always challenging, always scrutinising.

“Let. Go.” Shizuo spoke through gritted teeth.

“Make me.” Izaya practically purred, his grin widening at Shizuo’s face, flustered with frustration no doubt.

Shizuo couldn't deal with this right now. He didn't want to resort to violence, especially not with his latest promise to go easy on Izaya in his ‘fragile’ state. Looking down at him now, he looked anything but fragile, he looked daring and mischievous, with just a hint of pure evil. But he didn't look fragile. Then again, what did the blonde really know about him, other than the fact that he was trouble and always brought the worst out of Shizuo. _Not today_ , he thought. _I can play your games just as well as you can._

He put on the most genuine smile he could find, he forced his brows to smooth out and match the soft gaze he directed at the raven. He filled it with so much affection and love, Shizuo had never been more shocked at his nonexistent acting skills. _My brother would be so proud._

At the startled look on Izaya’s face, his grin stretched without any conscious effort. He could hear both Izaya and Shinra’s sharp intakes of breath when he lifted his hand to brush away a strand of raven hair from Izaya’s face. Just when he thought that those eyes could not get any wider, he pulled hard on his own arm and yanked it out of Izaya’s grip. Before Izaya could even comprehend what had happened, Shizuo had already turned tail and started to run from the two as fast as he could.

……………….

_He… he ran away from me!_

Izaya could only stare in gaping shock at the blonde’s retreating back. _What the fuck!?_ He looked back at Shinra and confirmed that, by the equally baffled — if not a little amused — expression on the others face, that _had_ actually happened. The confusion and bewilderment evaporated as soon as he took off after the brute, and he could blame the red dusting his cheeks on the adrenaline instead.

Shizuo had a head start but Izaya was confident that he could catch up in no time. He was faster after all, in every chase they’d execute Izaya would always outrun the idiot. Shizuo was fast no doubt, but his speed was no match for Izaya. His agility also played a part in that, while Izaya was able to leap over fences and free-run on rooftops, Shizuo had all the grace of a hippo. He trampled everything in his path — including people occasionally — and payed no attention to the destruction he brought. Although, Izaya was very aware that what Shizuo lacked in agility and grace, he made up for in raw, unadulterated strength and predator-like reflexes.

He felt like laughing at the absurdity of the situation, the rabbit was chasing after the dog. This had _never_ happened before. Izaya couldn't help but think that Shizuo didn't seem so monstrous and threatening when he was sprinting away from him like his life depended on it. It was different, the feeling of chasing rather than being chased. He wasn't running to get away or string along, he was running to _chase_ , to _capture_. It felt like something primal and instinctual had been unlocked from inside himself. He knew he much preferred that raging beast at his own heels, the adrenaline rush was unrivalled, but this wasn't so bad either, zoning in on those broad shoulders and blonde head of hair like he was a predator. _So this is how Shizuo must feel._

Shinra was a distant thought by now, though they had only been running for a few minutes, he knew the school was far from view and he only felt a slight pang of guilt at ditching his friend so abruptly. Shizuo must have felt Izaya closing in because he was doing his best to throw him off, suddenly turning down side streets and dodging stray objects at the last minute. Izaya was almost impressed, he liked to think that Shizuo had only learned such tactics from watching Izaya himself. He was close now though, barely a breath away. He could probably jump forward and latch onto that strong back from here, just like the parasite Shizuo had always accused him of being. He had planned to do just that before Shizuo made a sudden right turn into an alley. 

Unbeknownst to Izaya, Shizuo had immediately skidded to a stop just inside the alley, realising it was a dead end. “Fuck!” He cursed to himself and spun on his heels, ready to take of again in the opposite direction, but distantly knowing that it was too late. Izaya had been practically breathing down his neck, he was sure to be there when he left the alleyway.

And he was. A soon as Shizuo had turned around, Izaya was already sprinting around the corner, oblivious to the unmoving body standing in front of him. Shizuo could see it coming the second before it did, so he braced for impact. Though in hindsight, that may have only made it worse for the smaller, unsuspecting body in front of him. 

Izaya couldn't have stopped himself in time even if he _had_ seen it coming. He slammed face-first into Shizuo’s toned chest, and the blonde’s arms — risen to grab Izaya’s shoulders and soften the blow — had only resulted in an elbow to Izaya’s nose and a hard shoulder to his forehead. The impact was so intense that Izaya practically bounced off of Shizuo’s body and into the adjacent alley wall. He slid to the ground, his back dragging down the bricks and immediately covered his face with a groan.

“Ughh, what are you made of, rocks?”

Izaya could already feel the slippery wet of blood dripping from his nose, and a dark bruise blooming on his forehead. His eyes watered from such a hard hit to a sensitive part of his face, but he blinked the tears back where they belong before Shizuo could notice. He kept the back of one hand to his nose and looked up at the completely unscathed beast. _Of course._

After a sympathetic wince, Shizuo just shuffled awkwardly on his feet and looked away, muttering a short “Sorry.”

Izaya glared at Shizuo’s turned face and then again at the hand he extended in front of the raven. He used his other hand and pushed himself up from the ground, completely ignoring the unnecessary offer. Shizuo just retracted the hand with a roll of his eyes.

Izaya felt unsteady on his feet. He stumbled a little, catching a hand against the wall for support and just stood there with his eyes closed for a moment, willing the dizziness away. He really hoped he didn't have a concussion. He was tempted to make his way back to wherever Shinra was and get the young doctor-in-training’s opinion. Only, he knew with the distance they’d already covered, that his house would be closer and therefore the more desirable destination.

“Are you… okay?”  
Shizuo’s voice startled his eyes open, he’d almost forgotten the blonde was there at all. 

“Mhmm, I’m just fine Shizu-chan.” Izaya spoke sarcastically and started walking out of the alley. Shizuo watched him try to wipe the blood from under his nose but only succeeded in smudging it further across his face. He would have laughed had it not been a bit of a disturbing sight and pretty much his fault. Izaya just threw a glare in the blonde’s direction, muttering _idiot_ under his breath. He walked out of the alley and in what he thought was most likely to be the direction of his house. To his great irritation, Shizuo followed him out and kept trailing after him like a stray dog.

“I really wasn't trying to break your face, you know. It was an accident.” 

“My face is not _broken_.” He spoke through gritted teeth. “And stop following me, you’re annoying.”

Shizuo scoffed in disbelief. “You’re joking right? _I’m_ annoying? This is exactly what you were doing to me!” He growled. “It’s your own fault anyway, you shouldn't have chased me when I was just trying to get away from you and your ugly mug.”

It was Izaya’s turn to scoff now. “Excuse me? Now who’s being a hypocrite? You _always_ chase me when I’m just trying to rid myself of your monstrous presence! Now, go away.”

“No way. You _want_ me to chase you. You rile me up and scurry off like the insect you are!” Shizuo yelled and Izaya couldn't help but flinch as it just intensified the throbbing of his skull. Shizuo seemed to quiet down after that. He reigned in his bubbling anger and sealed it for now in a vacuum packed bag. When he spoke again, it was with a resigned sigh. “I’m walking _you_ home now anyway. If you pass out on the road from a concussion, I don't want to be the one to blame.”

Izaya wanted to refute that but speaking was proving to be more effort than he was willing to expend. Besides, he knew Shizuo didn't feel guilty, he was just trying to give him a taste of his own medicine. He couldn't say he didn't deserve it, but that made it no less annoying.

………………..

Shizuo kept walking a few metres behind Izaya, as far away as he could get from the other whilst still being able to see the lithe body, should it stumble and fall into a gutter. The phone in his pocket buzzed with an incoming message and he knew who it was without having to check it.

[3:40] Shinra: **_Are you okay? You didn’t kill him did you?_**

[3:41] Shizuo: **_Yes, i’m fine. No, I didn’t. Although he did have a little accident, fucked up his face. And now i’m stuck walking him home cause he looks like he’s bout to drop any minute._**

Shizuo chanced a glance ahead to make sure the raven was still upright. As much as he’d love to find that annoying-ass face pressed into the concrete, the thought of having to carry that skinny body back to his house which was god knows where, was not something he desired in the least. As it was, he’d already have a fairly long trek back to his own home.

[3:43] Shinra: **_An accident? What do you mean? Is he okay?_**

[3:43] Shizuo: **_He’s fine. We just ran into each other and he hit his head and busted his nose, that’s all. Why don't you ask him yourself?_**

[3:44] Shinra: **_He’s not answering his phone. He really shouldn't be home alone if there’s a chance he has a concussion, you need to make sure he doesn't fall asleep for a while._**

[3:44] Shizuo: **_How the hell am I supposed to do that? I’m not his babysitter!_**

“Oi, flea!” Izaya glanced back at the sound of Shizuo’s voice. “Shinra’s trying to message you.”

Izaya pulled out his own phone, he indeed had several messages from Shinra that he had been oblivious to.

“He said don't go to sleep when you get home, in case you have a concussion.” Shizuo yelled out again.

“Wow, thanks for the tip protozoan!” Izaya replied sarcastically. “And here I thought you’d love the idea of me going into a coma.” He mumbled, turning away from Shizuo so the blonde could only just catch the words. He wanted to shove them right back into that filthy mouth. 

Instead he just frowned at the back of Izaya’s head, “Don’t say shit like that.”

Shizuo took a moment to observe his surroundings, he had been listlessly following Izaya for the last ten minutes or so and now found himself on a street almost identical to every other they had passed. Izaya came to a sudden stop. At first shizuo had thought that they’d arrived at their destination, but Izaya was placed in front of no house in particular. He just stood in the middle of the sidewalk, staring at the concrete like it held all the greatest answers to life.

Shizuo walked up to the raven and peered over his shoulder. “Um, what are you looking at?”

Izaya startled, at his voice or his close proximity, Shizuo couldn't tell.

“Nothing, I just forgot… something.”

“Like where you live?” Shizuo questioned incredulously.

That snapped Izaya out of whatever thoughts were currently plaguing his mind. He directed a vicious smirk towards the blonde. “No, not at all. I just realised that I don't think I want a rabid monster aware of where I sleep.”

Shizuo matched that smirk with a ferocious glare. “Believe me, if I wanted you dead, you already would be.”

“Is that so?” Izaya took a step closer, his chest almost touching the blonde’s, but Shizuo wasn't intimidated in the least, if only just a little disturbed at the image of Izaya’s manic grin coupled with the dried blood still smeared across that porcelain skin. “What, with all the heavy things you throw at me and the promises of death you holler, I thought that was exactly what you wanted.”

Shizuo stepped back and averted his gaze, he let out a long sigh and with it his depleting anger. “Things are different now.”

Izaya narrowed his gaze at that. He stepped forward again, closing the space between them once more. “Really now? Just because my life has turned to shit, you think things between us are any different? **I don’t want your pity!** ” Izaya yelled, punctuating his words with a hard shove against Shizuo’s chest.

Shizuo stumbled back, just as shocked at the sudden hostility, as he was, the startling honesty in the others voice. “Jesus, what the fuck? As if I could pity someone like you! But I guess that’s what I get for trying to be nice to you for once.” 

Izaya seemed to deflate a bit at that. He looked away from the blonde and tried to calm his erratic breathing. Shizuo was starting to feel very exhausted. He wondered if Izaya’s violent outbursts and unstable mood swings were as tiresome for him as they were for the people around him.

He watched Izaya take a few steps backward and stop in front of an ordinary looking family home, complete with a white mailbox in a flower filled front-yard and an expensive looking car in the driveway.

“Well, this is my stop anyway.” Izaya jabbed a thumb in the vague direction of said house.

“Are you home alone?” Shizuo inquired, curious as to who’s car that could possibly be.

Izaya sighed, like the question itself depleted every last ounce of energy from his body. “No. If you must know, my father is home.” 

Shizuo was confused. Didn't Shinra say something about Izaya not having a dad? That he left before he really knew him?

His confusion must have shown on his face because Izaya’s eyes widened for a moment, before muttering a _goddammit Shinra_ under his breath. Shizuo tried to elaborate.

“I thought that-”

“He came back yesterday, for the first time since ten years ago or whatever.” Izaya clarified “Not that it’s really any of your business, and I don't know why Shinra would talk to you about such a thing in the first place.”

Shizuo scoffed. “Because he’s your friend and he was worried about you, believe it or not.” Shizuo thought he might have heard a _yeah, whatever_ grumbled under the raven’s breath, but the new mask was up before he could tell. Izaya gave him the brightest grin he’d ever seen — fake no doubt — but for the right person, believable all the same.

“Thanks for walking me home Shizu-chan~” Izaya walked up the driveway without looking back at Shizuo. He reached the front door, already unlocked and threw one last glance over his shoulder, wearing a look the blonde could not decipher. The door closed behind him and Shizuo could not believe he had just walked his arch nemesis home from school, like they hadn't been at each other's throats for the last year or so. Shizuo had often found change to be exhausting and frustrating, and it scared him how almost effortlessly this change in their relationship had come about.

Ok, so _not_ effortlessly, Shizuo definitely felt more drained of energy than usual. But it wasn't an _unwelcome_ change, and that was somewhat frightening. He had always hated violence and his constant feud with Izaya had only made his temper more volatile and his self-deprecating nature worse. If there was an option to lessen that, or better yet be rid of it, Shizuo thought that would be the wisest path to take. Even if the idea of being anything but enemies with that lying, scheming parasite was almost laughable. 

He turned his back to the house and started making the long journey back towards his own home. While he walked, Shizuo pulled the phone from his pocket, with the intention of letting Shinra know that he had done his part of being a decent human being.

[4:01] Shizuo: **_He’s at home now, his dad is there with him apparently so he can take care of him._**

His good deed for the day was completed, he felt like a saint. Granted he was to blame for hurting the flea in the first place, but it still felt good to know he had made an effort to do something right, to be the bigger person. _Most people wouldn't need to even think about that_ , he chastised himself. _If you have to make an effort to be good and then pat yourself on the back for it, that probably makes you the opposite._

[4:03] Shinra: **_Oh… okay. Did you happen to see him there?_**

[4:03] Shizuo: **_No? What, did you think he was going to invite me inside for a cup of tea? I just dropped him at the door and left. There was a car in the driveway though._**

[4:04] Shinra: **_Okay, thanks for taking responsibility. He probably doesn't have the best self-preservation skills at the moment._**

_Responsibility?_ It’s not like he clocked him in the face on purpose! But he was too tired to argue and he still felt a little guilty for fucking up like that, when he was trying hard to do the opposite. Its like hurting others was all he knew how to do.

No matter how human he claimed to be, his actions always said otherwise. He knew deep down that Izaya was right. Maybe that was why he hated him so much; because the raven seemed to look right through him, past his good intentions and down to the crazed animal inside he couldn't control. 

_Maybe I really am a monster._

 

……………….

 

As soon as Izaya had closed the door behind him, he was relieved to find that his _‘father’_ was not in immediate sight. He had almost forgotten he would even be here, that was until he saw the car sitting in the driveway of his house while he was parked in the middle of the sidewalk. 

He first made his way into the downstairs bathroom, intending to check the damage done to his face. He blanched once he saw the disturbing state he was in, blood had dried under his nose and then went up to stain the pale of his cheeks and his lips, like some avant-garde makeup. Had he really been walking around like this? _Stupid Shizu-chan!_ He could also see the dark patch of a bruise beginning to bloom on his forehead, along with a sizeable bump. 

He quickly turned on the tap and let the cold water run into his cupped hands. He washed his face with the water, scrubbing a bit where the blood had dried crusty. After patting his face dry, he tried to rearrange the fringe of his hair to cover the growing red and purple patch. He walked out of the bathroom just as footsteps started to come down the stairs.

“Izaya?” 

He tensed at the sound of his name coming from the man, he didn't like it one bit. He came into view and Izaya adopted the most casual stance he could manage.

“How was school?” He had a what some would call a warm smile on his face, but Izaya could see the frown in his eyes. The man looked at him with contempt and it took Izaya off guard.

“It was… fine. Have you been here all day?”

“Yes, i’ve just been moving my things into your mother’s room and the office.”

Izaya tensed but he tried to speak with nonchalance. “So, you’re staying then?”

“Yes, of course.” Shirou looked confused, as though the idea of anything other than that had never crossed his mind. Izaya tried not to let his utter despair show on his features.

“Okay, well i’m just going to go upstairs and do some homework or something.” He quickly walked around his father and made his way upstairs. He closed the door to his room behind him and locked it for good measure. He knew it wasn't necessary, but it made him feel a little safer, a little more at ease. After dropping his bags onto the ground he flopped back onto his double bed. He wanted more than anything to close his eyes and not open them again for at least another few hours, but he knew that was a bad idea. He’d have to head Shinra’s instructions and stay awake for a while instead. 

When he was sure he’d heard the door to the office close, he made his way back out of the room. He headed to the kitchen as quietly and quickly as he could manage and grabbed an icepack from the freezer. He brought it back to his room and placed it on his face, rotating it between the swelling bump on his forehead and his sore nose. He knew it wasn't broken but the pain was just enough to keep him from being able to focus on any homework. Even the couple of painkillers he took only dulled it down to a heavy throb.

To keep himself busy, he instead started on some half-hearted research for the most recent job he had taken. He scoured through the restricted articles he had managed to get his hands on and spoke to strangers in various chat-rooms. A couple of hours had passed before a knock sounded at his bedroom door. Dread pooled low in his stomach and he closed his laptop before making his way to the door. It was only after unlocking it and opening it wide to reveal his father’s startled face that he realised he still held the icepack to his face. He quickly brought it down, not doubt revealing his reddened features.

“What happened to your face?” His father looked more curious than concerned, but Izaya still flinched when the man reached a hand out to push back the others hair, exposing the angry bruise.

“I ran into a telephone pole on my way home from school.” He lied easily. It wasn't to far from the truth anyway, Shizuo certainly had the intelligence of a telephone pole. He didn't know how he felt about the man thinking he had done something as foolish as walking into a pole, but it was as good a lie as any and too late to take it back.

“You should be more careful.” Shirou brought his hand back to his side and Izaya felt some tension leave his aching body. “I was going to ask if you knew when the girls were coming home. And what you wanted for dinner, I was thinking of ordering some takeout.”

Izaya wondered if his father had seen the complete lack of food in the fridge and the pantry. They hadn't had takeout for such a long time, they couldn't afford it. Though despite not eating since that morning, Izaya wasn't very hungry. 

“They probably wont be back for a day or so, and i’m not really that hungry. Thanks anyway though.” He forced out politely, if not a bit strained. 

The man put on an equally as forced smile. “Okay, let me know if you change your mind.” And with that he walked away, down the stairs to the living room.

Izaya closed the door and locked it once again. He left the now melted ice-pack on his desk and laid down on his bed instead. He was so sick and tired he didn't stop himself from closing his eyes. 

Maybe it would be for the best if he didn't wake up anyway.


	5. Don't Dwell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A light-hearted chapter with little action, but exists for the purpose of developing character relationships.
> 
> Don't Dwell - Barnacle Boi

Izaya startled awake at the sound of the front door slamming closed. A few moments later he heard the rev of an engine and looked outside his bedroom window to see his father rolling out of the driveway in his black BMW; off to work no doubt, wherever that was. It was still early morning, the sun was mounted only halfway into the sky. He distantly realised that he was lucky to be awake. Falling asleep for more than ten hours in a row with a supposed concussion was not the smartest move he had made. Despite that, he was all too tempted to go back to sleep, maybe even for the rest of the day. He felt feverish. His head was spinning, his vision blurry and he recognised that hot, uncomfortable sensation in his stomach as mild nausea.

The air was crisp and cold, it sent a shiver down Izaya’s spine, still clad in an oversized T-shirt and a pair of black boxer briefs. He slid out of bed and walked to the upstairs bathroom on unsteady feet, holding the wall for support. As soon as he was inside — the door closed and locked behind him — Izaya stripped down and stepped under the scalding water; taking a seat on the tiled floor, he hugged his knees to his chest and started rubbing life into his numb limbs.

By the time he had finished drying himself and stood dressed in a fresh uniform, the worst of the nausea had subsided, and after downing a few more painkillers, the dizziness eventually passed and the black spots cleared from his vision. He made it out of the door more or less on time and dragged his feet all the way to school. While he walked, he busied himself with sending a message to his aunt, asking how the girls were doing and if there was a day they had planned on coming back. In Izaya’s opinion, the later the better. The stress of sharing a house with someone he neither knew nor trusted would only intensify if he had to worry about his little sisters in the same space. He received a reply within the minute.

[7:51] Yuriko: **_Hey Izaya, I got a call from the girl’s school this morning. They are fine to have some time off but I am going to a meeting in Kyoto and staying the night so I will have to bring the them back. I was able to push it back until this afternoon so i’ll drop them home after school so you can be there when they arrive._**

[7:51] Yuriko: **_We’ll talk more when I see you this afternoon, but if it’s at all possible I don't want them to have to be alone with Shirou. He may as well be a stranger to them._**

Izaya sighed, it seemed that his luck had truly run out. Whether he had any to begin with was a debate he was not willing to give any thought at the moment.

The bell sounded as soon as he stepped into the building. Izaya knew his first class on a Friday was biology, so he pulled the thick textbook from his schoolbag and slipped into the lab; which was thankfully close by. He must have been later than he had originally thought because when he entered the classroom, the teacher paused mid-lecture and all faces in the room turned to him. Thankfully the teacher didn't call him out on it, Izaya merely ducked his head and made his way over to the closest lab bench and the only one with a free seat. Shinra sat there watching him with a concerned gaze and next to him, Shizuo. He had completely forgotten he shared this class with the brute. He took a seat in the empty stool next to Shinra and placed his textbook on top of the bench in front of him.

“Izaya, you’ve never been late before!” The brunette chirped, raising a hand to Izaya’s face. He frowned in concern and carefully brushed Izaya’s raven bangs aside. 

Izaya almost flinched at the touch, so similar to the brush of his father’s hand the night before. But this was different, he realised. Whereas the man’s touch had only made him feel uncomfortable and weary, Shinra’s was genuine, as was his concern for the raven. Izaya closed his eyes and found himself leaning into the tender touch at his forehead. He could see Shizuo staring at them from the corner of his eye, when Izaya turned to meet his gaze, the other turned away and pretended to busy himself with something in his open textbook.

“That’s a nasty contusion.” His attention was brought back to Shinra’s voice. The other stroked his thumb across the angry purple bruise and ran it down the bridge of his nose, which he then booped. At that, Izaya flinched. “Sorry. You really did a number on him Shizuo!” Shinra chuckled.

“It was an accident.” Izaya heard the blonde grumble under his breath.

“Well your nose doesn't look broken, just a little swollen and bruised. But your head looks like it hurts and you probably had a concussion. Do you still feel dizzy or sick? How’s the pain?” Shinra’s incessant questions were making Izaya feel like he was stuck in the doctors office rather than sat in a classroom at school.

He sighed. “I felt really sick and dizzy when I woke up, but it’s mostly gone now. I took a couple of painkillers so it’s just a dull throb.”

Shinra hummed. “Well, let me know if you start to feel unwell again.”

The best Izaya could offer was a nod. He would never admit so, but it felt nice to have someone caring for him, looking out for him like Shinra was doing. It made him upset to think that he had been missing out on this aspect of their relationship for the many years they’d known each other, but he knew that he wouldn't have appreciated as much as he did now.

They listened to the teacher explain their experiment for today, something about identifying organisms from different water sources. Izaya didn't bother listening, he knew it'd be easy enough to follow from the book. When she gave them the go ahead, they started setting things up for the experiment. Shinra pulled out different sized beakers and placed them on the bench, he labelled each with a whiteboard marker and started filling them with the various bottles of water they’d been given, as per Izaya’s instructions. Shizuo just sat with his chin resting in his palm, elbow on the table. Izaya wondered if he had any clue as to what they were doing. Over the years he had made an effort to never be stuck in a group with the blonde. He had a grade to uphold after all, and Shizuo chasing him out of the classroom every time Izaya would open his mouth would not help this cause.

As it was, Izaya found himself intrigued by this new and improved version of Shizuo’s temper. Not only were they being civilised in one another’s presence, but they were in group where they would have to exhibit teamwork and communicate with each other. He could tell there was a delicate structure in place that was currently enabling them to work together. Izaya was curious as to how far he could push these boundaries, how long could Shizuo hold out? And what would it take to finally get him to snap and revert back to that enraged beast he knew so well? Izaya had never been very good at knowing when to hold back.

“Shizu-chan~ Stop being lazy and help us. I won't have you mooching good marks off of us while you sit there like a rock and we work hard!” Izaya drawled and watched in amusement as Shizuo’s brows immediately furrowed at the sound of his voice. Though to his surprise, the blonde obediently stood up from his spot at the bench and made his way next to Shinra instead.

How interesting…

“What am I supposed to be doing?” 

“Well, there’s probably not much your simple-minded brain can fathom but how about you start by using the dropper and placing a couple of drops of each type of water onto these slides.” Izaya pointed to the line of plastic slides he had set out, each sitting above a small piece of paper on which he had written the water to be used. 

Shizuo set to work and Izaya watched him in intermittent glances while he drew up a results table in his notebook. He heard Shizuo mutter a _shit_ under his breath and Izaya turned to see that he had dropped too much water onto one of the slides, drowning it completely. Izaya sighed and handed him a new one.

“Just use another one, if you wipe it clean it’ll affect what you see under the microscope.” 

Shizuo took the slide out of Izaya’s hand and muttered his thanks. It was then that he noticed the stares they were garnering from the other students and teacher alike. Once he had made eye contact with some of them, they quickly turned away, but Izaya could still see them send weary glances in their direction every once in a while. It was as entertaining as it was refreshing, he enjoyed the attention. 

Suddenly his thoughts about pushing the monster ran in a different direction. Shizuo was proving his determination in keeping up this false persona of calm — and Izaya knew he would be able to break him sooner or later — but maybe there existed a more entertaining method in make this monster snap. One that would shock their current audience rather than let them feel at ease with the normalcy of their arguing. He could be nice to the idiot, he liked to think himself charming after all, and if it was just acting then he could find it acceptable enough. 

After the slides were filled, he placed one under the microscope and adjusted the settings until the lens focused and he could make out the tiny organisms floating around. He waved Shizuo over and motioned for him to look into the microscope.

“Can you see the grey moving shapes?”

Shizuo grunted a yes.

“That’s called a protozoa, a singled celled organism. Sometimes they call it a Shizu-chan too.” Shizuo raised his head to glare at Izaya. The raven just laughed, “Just joking!”

Shizuo swapped over with Shinra and the brunette was able to list off the organisms present, while Izaya recorded them in his results table. They did this for each water sample and finished before any other group. While Shinra busied himself by washing out and putting away the equipment they had used, Izaya passed his notebook across the table and placed it next to Shizuo’s.

“You can copy the results down, if you want.” He put the side of his face in his hand, his elbow resting of the bench, mimicking Shizuo’s earlier position. Shizuo gave him a distrustful look, he probably thought Izaya was giving him the wrong answers on purpose.

“Uh, thanks…”

Izaya just smiled. “You’re welcome.” He was sure people were staring now, he felt giddy with anticipation. He leant over the bench, his knees folded under his bum still resting on the stool. He let his body stretch across the table and planted his forearms in front of the blonde’s open notebook to steady himself. The blonde’s eyes widened ever so slightly and Izaya thought he saw him lean back a little on instinct. The raven pretended to not have noticed.

“Make sure you include this extra space at the end of the table. Because you’ll need to fill it out after we hear everyone else’s results.” He put his finger on the book, circling the blank space he had mentioned. “And you’ll need to write a conclusion too, you can just copy the one out of the textbook and replace the results with ours.” Izaya flipped open Shizuo’s textbook to the right page and then slid back into his own seat. Shizuo kept his head down and started copying from the book, a faint flush on his face.

“You’re being awfully nice today! Are you sure you’re feeling all right?” Shinra spoke from behind Izaya, putting a hand to the raven’s forehead and pretending to check for a fever. Izaya winced at the contact and Shinra just laughed a half-hearted apology. 

“I’m always nice Shinra! Believe it or not, I can be a very lovely person.” 

Shizuo scoffed and then covered it up with a cough. Izaya just smiled.

Once the bell rang for break, Izaya had packed his things and was ready to head to the library, his warm haven of solitude from the outside winter air. He had only made it out the door before another arm was linked around his own and he felt himself being pulled in a different direction.

“Come on, Izaya. Where are you going?” Shinra spoke while dragging the raven along by his arm. Shizuo walked alongside them both and he realised that they were headed for the rooftop once again. He hadn't even thought about the possibility that he might be welcome there a second time, he was sure that by the end of his first stay, they were all eager to be rid of him. _You can’t be paranoid if you don’t care_ , he told himself.

“Shinra, I don't need to sit with you every break.” The brunette adopted a confused expression.

“I know, but I want you to. That’s what best friends do.” Izaya’s eyes widened in disbelief, he turned away from the bespectacled boy and refused to acknowledge the warming of his face. Shinra continued. “If you really don't want to, I wont force you. Except for this one time. I have something I want to talk to everyone about.” Izaya scrutinised the childish grin on Shinra’s face, wondering what he could possibly want to talk about that involved the four of them together.

 

……………..

 

Shizuo could feel the sun warming his face, the cold concrete rough under his palms. He sat on the roof, leant back against his supporting hands and sucked every last drop from the juice box hanging by his lips. He rolled his eyes at the glare he received for making such an obnoxious sound. Shizuo ignored the raven’s glower, as far as he was concerned Izaya deserved to know what it was like for Shizuo to have to listen to something equally as obnoxious: Izaya’s voice.

A strong breeze brushed by and Shizuo revelled in it, he let his hair be tousled by it’s waves, feeling refreshed. But as he looked around the circle, everyone else just seemed to curl in on themselves, hiding from the cold.

“Come on, Shinra. What is it you wanted to say? It’s too cold to be up here.” Izaya spoke from blue tinted lips, shivering slightly.

Shinra’s eyes lit up, most likely remembering the supposedly incredible idea he had come up with. “Well…” He started sheepishly. “You know how the school festival is coming up and this morning the teachers told us to organise groups and get started on a project?”

Everyone let out a collective groan. Shizuo did not in fact remember that announcement, he was probably half asleep — or more likely — blocking it out on purpose. He had never looked forward to these sorts of events. They demanded a level of creativity and human interaction that he was just not capable of. He enjoyed visiting the festival every year, seeing everyones hard work and basking in the positive energy, but he had always made an effort to get out of participating in them. They all had, as far as he knew. And now Shinra wanted to break that perfectly valid tradition and submit them to his own personal hell: spending time with the flea, outside of school as well as inside. That didn't sound like a good idea.

And it seemed that Izaya was having similar thoughts. “That doesn't sound like a good idea, Shinra.” The raven spoke. “I’m sure a disaster will strike if Shizu-chan has to work with his most hated enemy.”

Shinra dismissed that with a wave of his hand. “Oh come on, he’s been fine 'till now and it would be a good team building exercise to help you guys become friends.” Shizuo barked a laugh at which Shinra narrowed his eyes. “Don't be like that Shizuo. This is really important to me. It’s our second-last year and I want us to participate in something like this… Please?”

He closed his eyes and let out the what he thought could be rated the longest sigh in existence. 

“Be careful, Shizuo. Getting rid of all that air, if your single-celled brain doesn't know how to breathe it back in, you might suffocate!” Izaya’s voice was as grating and condescending as ever.

_That doesn't even make any sense!_ He couldn't be bothered opening his eyes to glare at the other. “Fine.” He grit out. “I’ll do it. But i’ll put in as little effort as possible and only if _he_ can make an effort to not be annoying.” He nodded his head in Izaya’s direction.

“How rude!” Izaya sounded scandalised, but Shizuo knew it was fake. “Besides, we haven't heard Dota-chin’s opinion yet!”

Everyone turned to Kadota, who stiffened under their gaze. “I… Uhh…” He sighed. “I don't care. I’ll do it if you want. Could be fun.”

Shinra clapped his hands. “Yay! That just leaves you Izaya. So, what do you say?”

Izaya rolled his eyes. “Sure, sounds like a guaranteed train wreck. I’m in!” Izaya brought a big grin onto his face, the one that Shizuo had always hated, the one that spoke of inevitable trouble.

“Yes! This will be great!” Shinra yelled. “We should all go to my house after school to brainstorm ideas!”

Shizuo could honestly not see how this would all unfold, and that kind of scared him. As long as he kept up this calming resilience to Izaya’s antics, he would be fine. He just hoped that Izaya would make some sort of an effort too. He realised that this morning was all a performance in the flea’s eyes. The friendly gestures and feigned interest in Shizuo’s education was nothing but a ruse, to entertain their onlookers or freak him out, Shizuo wasn't sure. Regardless, if Izaya could be like that from now on — an act or not — Shizuo thought that it would be a lot easier to be around him.

“I can’t” Izaya said. “My sisters are coming back this afternoon and I don't want them to be alone when they get there.”

Shinra hummed, a thoughtful look on his face. “Why don't you get them dropped at my place? Then you can go home together when we finish.”

“I… guess I could do that. They’ll probably be pretty annoying though, I cant guarantee their cooperation in staying away from us.”

Shinra just shrugged. “That’s okay! We can just put them in front of the TV, apparently that’s what my parents did to me when I wouldn't stop pestering them.”

Shizuo refrained from saying something along the lines of _look how well that turned out_. Shinra wasn't so bad, aside from his questionable morals and strange obsessions, he was a good-hearted person, at least compared to Izaya. He distantly wondered if Izaya’s sisters were anything like the boy himself. He couldn't imagine what trouble two young girl’s could get up to, but if they were anything like their brother, Shizuo was sure they’d find a way.

The rest of the remaining school day passed by uneventfully. Shizuo stood waiting outside of the building, Kadota at his side, until Shinra and Izaya eventually sauntered out. The brunette was looking too excited about the entire ordeal for Shizuo to feel at all at ease.

“Lets go!” Shinra chirped, motioning for the others to follow his lead. They walked the ten or so minute distance to Shinra’s house, travelling in silence. Once Shinra had unlocked the door, everyone toed off their shoes at the entrance. Shizuo followed the others into the living room and sat on the carpet next to Kadota, while Shinra scurried off to collect some ‘things’ they apparently needed.

With wary eyes, he watched Izaya sit down next to him. Shinra came back and dumped a large piece of paper and a pile of markers in the centre of their circle. He sat down in-between Kadota and Izaya, uncapping one of the markers and pulling the sheet of paper closer to himself.

“We need to brainstorm some ideas, so we’ll go around and each name one, then we can decide from those.” Shinra spoke from his spot on the floor.

Shizuo watched Izaya unfold from his spot next to him, he laid down on his stomach and stretched out like a cat. He rested on his elbows, legs swinging in the air — similar to small child, Shizuo noted.

“Okay, me first.” Shinra said. “I’m going to put down… Haunted house! Kadota, you’re next.”

“Arcade games?” 

“Oh, that’s a good one!” The brunette scribbled on his sheet of paper. “Shizuo, your turn.”

“Umm… a bake sale?”

Izaya laughed at Shizuo’s suggestion. “That’s lame, Shizu-chan. And I don’t believe that you have the ability to make anything other than instant ramen anyway.”

“Well, what’s your great idea then? Huh?” Shizuo grumbled.

“A maid cafe!” Izaya spoke with a wide grin. “We can dress up in cute maid costumes and serve people stuff.”

Shizuo grimaced. “No way. As if we’re dressing up in maid outfits-“

“Don’t dismiss the good ideas, Shizuo.” Shinra spoke over the blonde. _He can’t really be considering this, can he?_

Three sharp knocks sounded and everybody’s attention was suddenly brought to the front door.

“Ah, that will probably be your sisters, Izaya.” 

Izaya stood from the floor and made his way over to the entrance, Shinra following close behind. The door opened to reveal two small raven haired girls and a middle-aged woman standing behind them. They were close enough that Shizuo could make out most of the conversation.

“Hello, my name is Shinra Kishitani.”

“Nice to meet you, i’m Yuriko. Sorry for the intrusion, and thank you for letting the girl’s stay for the afternoon.”

“No problem!” The brunette chirped. “Follow me, little ones.” Shinra motioned for the girl’s to follow him and they warily took a step inside the house. Only after a nod from their brother did they follow Shinra into the living room. Shizuo kept his attention on the conversation between Izaya and what he thought must have been his aunt or a family friend.

“Izaya, make sure you message me if anything happens. If you or the girl’s feel unsafe, it doesn't matter where I am, I will come right back and get you.”

Izaya nodded. “Yeah, I will. Thanks.”

The woman stepped forward and pulled Izaya into her arms, he returned the embrace and said his goodbyes before closing the door. Shizuo turned to look at the two girls — twins from what he could see, or just eerily similar — and took in their appearance. They had the dark hair and snow white skin of their brother, but their eyes looked to be a dark brown, rather than the burgundy, almost red shade of Izaya’s. He distantly wondered where Izaya got the genes for such an obscure eye colour, he wondered if it was a feature he shared with his mother, or even his father.

The only feature than separated the two girls were the haircuts, the one on the left wore two long braids and the one on the right, hand in hand, had a short choppy haircut, almost as if someone in their family had cut it spontaneously in a fit of frustration of not be able to tell the two apart. They looked suspicious of the new people they were being introduced to. Shizuo worried what their reaction would be to someone who made an effort to more or less beat their brother to a pulp on a daily basis, even if never _had_ caught him. He guessed that depended on how much Izaya had told his sisters about him or if he had been mentioned at all. He honestly wasn't sure what he preferred.

Izaya sat back down next to Shizuo, introducing the girl’s at the same time. “These are my twin sisters. The one on the left is Mairu and the one on the right is Kururi.” Izaya pointed a finger in each direction. “Mairu, Kururi, you’ve already met Shinra, this is Dota-chin and Shizu-chan.”

“It’s Kadota actual-”

“Dota-chin and Shizu-chan” One of the twins spoke over Kadota’s correction, ignoring it completely as recognition glowed in their eyes.

“How about you go watch TV while we do stuff?” Izaya turned to speak to them.

“No! We want to stay with Iza-nii and Shizu-nii.” The braided girl, _Mairu_ , he remembered spoke while they both stared at Shizuo with awe-stricken eyes.

_Iza-nii?_ Wait…

_Shizu-nii?!_

Izaya looked just as confused as Shizuo felt. “Uh… Okay, I guess. But just sit quietly and don’t annoy anyone.” They both nodded eagerly at their brother’s instructions. They walked over and squeezed into the small space between Shizuo and Izaya. He watched them carefully, he’d never been very good with kids, Shizuo didn't trust his strength around such cute fragile looking creatures.

They continued their brainstorming. Shinra struggled to come up with anything else, but Shizuo felt distracted by the two pairs of eyes on him, smiling sweetly. He was confused. Izaya obviously hadn't told them who he was to the raven or else he didn't think this would be the reaction they’d have demonstrated. At one point, Shizuo looked over to find _three_ pairs of eyes burning holes into his side, he had to suppress a shudder at the almost frightening sight of having three Orihara children staring into what felt like his soul. Though Izaya quickly turned away, the twin’s attention remained fixated on the blonde.

“I honestly think the maid cafe is the best idea we’ve got.” Shinra’s sullen tone brought Shizuo out of his distracted haze. He couldn't have heard that right.

“Um, What? You’re joking right…” Shizuo quickly spoke up, eager to establish that, that _had_ in fact been a joke.

“I wonder if Celty would like me in a maid dress?” The brunette mumbled to himself, oblivious to Shizuo’s current panic.

“What if it was a butler cafe instead?” Kadota added calmly.

“That’s not much better.” He mumbled.

“I KNOW!” Shinra suddenly yelled, a visible lightbulb brightening over his head. “We should play a game and the two that lose wear maid costumes, while the two that win wear butler costumes instead. That way we can do both.”

“I don't think I like those odds.” Kadota mumbled.

“Yeah, I definitely don’t. There is no way i’m wearing a dress in front of the entire school, I doubt we would even be allowed.” Shizuo hastily let out. He wasn't particularly fond of attention, especially when it involved public humiliation. He doubted anyone would be. But of course Izaya had to take this as a fucking _challenge_. Just like everything he did.

“They would. There was a group of boys that did the same thing a few years ago.” Izaya spoke with feigned disinterest. _How did he even know that?_ “What’s wrong, Shizu-chan? Are you really scared of wearing a dress? You must be very insecure about your masculinity~” He drawled.

Shizuo knew that Izaya wasn't too keen on wearing a dress either, that’s why he had remained quiet about the idea since he had first mentioned it. But Shizuo saw the way his eyes lit up at Shinra’s suggestion of a game, he knew the raven was smart enough to win, or more likely cheat at whatever game they chose, and he probably knew that Shizuo would draw the short straw too. He was sure that was the only reason he seemed to be so enthusiastic about it now. _But I won’t take the bait_ , he told himself. If there was a guarantee that Shizuo had any chance of winning maybe he would, it’d be worth it to see that smug bastard lose at his own game. But there was still a chance he would lose alongside Izaya, and even if he didn’t, Shizuo honestly couldn't bear the thought of seeing Kadota _or_ Shinra in a dress.

“Come on, It’ll be funny! We can do a game that revolves around chance, so no one has any advantages of skill, strength or intellect.” Shinra declared.

“Well, what do you say Shizu-chan? If you win i’ll even give you twenty dollars!” Izaya spoke, waving a twenty dollar note he had pulled from his pants pocket in Shizuo’s face.

_That is so not worth it_ , he thought. But then two pairs of small hands started tugging on the sleeve of his school jacket.

“Please play, Shizu-nii! We want to see Iza-nii have to wear a dress!” Mairu spoke while the other, Kururi, nodded her head vigorously.

He sighed. “Fine.” He directed a hard stare towards the raven. “But only because I want to see you in a dress too.” As soon as the sentence slid out of Shizuo’s mouth, he realised that those may not have been the best choice of words. Judging by the wide eyes he was receiving, along with slightly agape mouths, they might’ve realised that too. “I- I mean, because I want to see you lose! N- Not in a weird way though!” He stuttered out, in an effort to regain some form of dignity. He really _didn't_ mean it like that. 

Shizuo thought that he might’ve seen Izaya’s shocked face heat up for a moment, red dusting the sharp of his cheekbones and nose; and he would’ve laughed at the raven, had it not been at his own expense.

Regardless, it only took a moment for everyone’s flabbergasted features to clear before they had erupted into laughter. Now it was Shizuo’s turn to blush; _How embarrassing_. Even Kadota couldn't hold back a chuckle and Shizuo felt _betrayed_. The two girl’s beside him were still giggling as was Shinra and the flea.

“Does Shizu-nii like Iza-nii in a special way?” Mairu giggled, still tugging on the blonde’s arm.

“No, definitely not!” He grit out. He was never going to live this down, it would follow him for the rest of his life. They would never let him forget! He’d have to move to another city and find new friends. Maybe he was overreacting, but he was quickly realising that _fuck_ did he embarrass easily. He would need to work on that.

“Can we move on now please? Before I change my mind.” He spoke in a disinterested tone with eyes narrowed at all of the guilty offenders, eager to change the subject.

“Alright, alright.” Shinra wheezed out, steadying his breathing. “We know what you meant Shizuo, now let’s decide on a game!”

Shizuo had a feeling he was going to be regretting this for years to come.


	6. Blinded

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _But I don't need this like I used to._
> 
>  
> 
> _'Cause I feel blinded, blinded by you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the longest chapter I have written so far, I think. I was going to make it two but couldn't figure out where to cut it.  
> It has a mixture of sadness and fluff so there is something for everyone :)  
> The lyrics in the the summary and at the end of the chapter are from this chapter's song:
> 
> Blinded - Emmit Fenn

“Okay, so someone holds four matches in their hand upside down, so the red part is covered, but two of the matches will be burnt. The two that pick the burnt matches are the losers. Is that right, Izaya?” Shinra spoke with a twinkle in his eyes, obviously not very concerned at the prospect of losing.

“That’s right. Do you have any matches?” Izaya felt jittery with nerves. He was beyond excited to see how this would all unfold. He felt confident enough in his abilities to come out on top in this game, even if there was supposed to be no skill involved.

“I’ll go check.” Shinra disappeared down the hallway and returned only a few seconds later, a box of matches in hand. After he had sat back down on crossed legs, he pulled four matches out of the box, setting two alight and then blowing them out almost immediately. Izaya took the time to study the appearance of each match, searching for any distinguishing features, like a chip in the wood or a slight change in colour. He could feel Shizuo staring at him, the heat of the other’s gaze drawing his attention away from the matches. He knew what Izaya was trying to do, his glare disapproving and threatening all the same. But Izaya just grinned at the blonde, a childish smile full of white teeth and mischief. Shizuo turned away with a huff and the raven smirked victory.

“Who’s going to hold them?” Shinra questioned, to which a small, pale hand flew into the air.

“I will!” Mairu squealed. “So it will be harder for anyone to cheat.” She reasoned, sending a sly looking smirk towards her brother. Izaya’s confidence started to deflate like a popped ballon. _This is not ideal_ , he thought.

Once Shinra had handed over the matches, Mairu turned away from the circle and started to arrange them in her hand. When she turned back, Izaya immediately tried to locate the minuscule, dark speck he had noticed staining the wood of one of the un-burnt matches. He couldn't find it. Mairu had positioned it so that the mark was facing away from Izaya, and judging by the small smile she played at her lips, Izaya knew it had been on purpose. _Damn it, she’s too observant for her own good._

“So, who’s going first?” She spoke to the group.

“I’ll go!” Shinra chirped. “And then we can go in a circle to my right.”

Izaya thought about arguing, the chances of winning would be best for the person going first. But then again if Shinra lost, as the next person his chances would increase once again. Besides, he didn't want to seem desperate; it was best to play this cool, act like he had something up his sleeve, even if it _was_ just a blank card.

Mairu Shuffled into the middle of the circle, sitting on her knees. Shinra leant forward and plucked a match from the little girl’s grip, Izaya sucked in a sharp intake of breath just as Shinra released his, holding a match still adorned with a bright red tip.

“Well, that was lucky!” The brunette sighed, leaning back into his spot on the circle.

Mairu turned to her brother next. Izaya’s throat worked on a swallow; this was fine, he still had a chance, not a very good one but a chance nonetheless. He leant forward, his hand hovering over one match, before quickly switching to another. He yanked it out of her grip quickly, like ripping off a band-aid. Now his luck had truly run out. Izaya just sighed, staring at the blackened tip of his match. _Well._

Mairu just giggled. “Poor Iza-nii is gonna have to wear a dress~” She laughed while Kururi tugged on his arm, smiling softly up at him. He couldn't find it in him to be angry at them for betraying him like this. As long as they were smiling at him like that, he’d wear whatever they wanted. Probably… He’d just have to take this unfortunate situation in his stride.

“Aw, chin up Izaya. I’m sure you’ll look better than any of us would.” Shinra drawled, not looking sorry in the least. 

At least there was still a chance he could drag Shizuo down with him. If he believed in god, he might have spoken a quick prayer regarding the blonde’s demise, but with his luck, he was sure the opposite would happen anyway. So he just watched intently as Shizuo scowled at the remaining matches, his hand hovering in the air. He pinched the end of the one he had chosen and slowly started pulling it out, prolonging his dread. As soon as he started to see the wood darken into a burnt tip, Shizuo felt like crying.

Kadota, on the other hand, sighed in relief. “Man, I really dodged a bullet there.” He spoke, slapping Shizuo on the back. “Unlucky for you though.” 

Izaya suddenly burst into laughter, bringing Shizuo out of his internal shock and snapping his head in the raven’s direction. 

“Shizu-chan is going to have to wear a sexy maid costume!” He wheezed.

“Why are _you_ laughing!? You’re going to have to too, you know?!” The blonde yelled and Izaya’s laughter stuttered to a stop.

He just shrugged. “Whatever, it’s not that big a deal for me. Unlike Shizu-chan, I don't embarrass easily.” He smirked at the blonde. Shizuo flushed, remembering his most recent fuck-up.

“You know, I just realised that we’re going to have to cook for this too.” Shinra said in pensive thought.

“Great! Let’s do something else instead.” Shizuo quickly tried to reason.

“Now, now, don't be hasty. We can just buy packaged deserts and serve those, and then make milkshakes in a blender.” Shinra refuted with a small smile, no doubt enjoying Shizuo’s distress.

They continued brainstorming ideas for the cafe, Shinra writing a list of the things they would need to buy and make before the festival. He also promised to look into the purchase of all of their ‘outfits’, dismissing Shinzo’s request for something not too revealing. Even if Izaya himself wasn't especially keen on the idea, he was definitely looking forward to witnessing Shizuo’s utter embarrassment. He could picture it now; a too small dress barely covering those long, tan legs, stretching too tight over his broad muscly shoulders and toned stomach, and finishing it off with those buff arms crossed in front of his chest, the most irksome glare on his face to match. The most feared student of the school, a rumoured violent delinquent that caused countless damages to school property, wearing a cute maid costume. It was almost too good to be true and Izaya couldn't wait to see the reactions of their fellow students.

It wasn't long before the sky started to darken and everyone decided they were finished for the day. Izaya couldn't help but wish he had left earlier, when the sun was still acting as a protective barrier to the scum that roamed the streets at night. He wouldn't think twice about going out on his own, but with his little sisters he was wary. It’d be a lot more difficult to protect the three of them at once.

They all stood at the entrance, wiggling back into their shoes, with the exception of Shinra. 

“Thank you for coming everyone! We should do this once a week until the festival and take turns at everyone’s houses.” Shinra spoke while holding the door open for everyone. Before Shizuo could step out of the threshold however, Shinra pulled him back in with a soft tug to his shoulder.

“Shizuo, thanks for being cool today and in general around Izaya, it means a lot to me.”

Shizuo sighed. “That’s why i’m doing it.”

Shinra smiled softly. “In that case, do you think you could do one more thing?” His voice started to waver in response to Shizuo’s glare.

“What?” The blonde grit out.

“Can you walk Izaya and his sister’s home?” At Shizuo’s incredulous look, he quickly tried to explain. “B- Because you live in the same direction anyway and Kadota lives pretty close by to me. I wouldn't ask if it was just him, I think he can take care of himself, but it’s not very safe for two young girls to be walking in this area at night. Please?” He asked, utilising his best puppy dog eyes. If that was what swayed the blonde, he couldn't tell. Shizuo’s face remained impassive.

“Fine.” He muttered. He walked away from the house, chasing after Izaya before Shinra could thank him.

“Hey flea!” Shizuo yelled out, taking brisk steps down the sidewalk towards Izaya, who stood hand in hand with his little sisters. “I’m walking you home.” He stated, no room for argument. 

Izaya groaned at the approaching blonde. “We’re not dating shizu-chan, so stop trying to walk me home like you’re my doting boyfriend.” 

“W- What the hell?!”

Izaya grinned at Shizuo’s indignant spluttering. “I’m joking.” He turned away laughing. “But you should really see your face right now.” The blonde just glared a familiar scowl that put Izaya at ease. For a second he thought that Shizuo might turn back and forget about the ‘nice guy’ act that Izaya was surprised he had been bothered to keep up, but he just sighed and followed after the raven, trailing behind him and his smaller sisters. Izaya wouldn't argue against it, not when he was secretly relieved at feeling at little safer, not that he would ever admit it to the idiot.

“Don’t worry Shizu-nii, Iza-nii would be lucky to have a boyfriend like you!” Mairu tried to consolidate Shizuo, staring back at him with a soft smile. 

Izaya scowled down at his little sister. “Stop spouting nonsense, Mairu.” The raven haired girl grinned cheekily up at her brother. He just sighed in exasperation. She was still to young to be developing this scheming mindset so similar to his own, sometimes it seriously worried him.

But Mairu was unconcerned. She smiled back at Shizuo and held her unoccupied left hand out to him. “Come hold my hand and walk with us, Shizu-nii.” Shizuo stared at the outstretched hand, feeling a little unnerved.

“That’s okay… I’m fine back here.” He spoke quietly, but immediately stiffened at the absolute grief stricken expression that crossed the little girl’s face. Shizuo had never made anyone look like that, and he wasn’t about to start now. He quickly jogged up to be in line with the other three and took the little girl’s hand with the most slackened grip he could manage, careful to not put any strength into it whatsoever. The path wasn’t really big enough fro the four of them, Shizuo and Kururi — to Izaya’s right — had to walk half on the grass, half on the concrete pathway.

Izaya peered at Mairu’s now gleeful expression, curious as to what she was up to. They walked like that for a few minutes, a silent, human chain, until Mairu tugged on Izaya’s arm.

“Iza-nii, can you swap with Kururi? Then we can have the two smallest in the middle!” She grinned at the raven and he obliged, feeling no need to deny her something so seemingly innocent, even if their was a strange glint in her eyes. Izaya swapped places with Kururi and stifled a complaint at now being the one to walk on uneven ground. For a moment he thought that was her plan all along, to minorly inconvenience him for her own amusement, but they didn't stay like that for long either.

“You know, this path is not big enough for all of us.” Mairu suddenly announced, voicing the thoughts of everyone in her presence. “Me and Kururi will walk together in front and you two can walk behind us. Mairu casually stepped away with Kururi still in tow. 

It took a second or two for Izaya to realise he still felt the weight of another hand in his own, despite both girls walking ahead of him. He paused in his walking and looked down at his hand, connected to Shizuo’s… _How the hell did she manage that_. Izaya and Shizuo both looked up at each other in the same second as they yanked their grip away from each other, breaking the contact. Both with wide eyes and confused expressions, Izaya’s purposely painted with slight disgust.

“What the shit?” Shizuo growled, facing away from Izaya who just huffed a laugh at the broad grin Mairu directed back at her brother. _What a bother_ , he thought, amused at her antics.

The rest of the walk proved to be relatively uneventful, Shizuo and Izaya walked side by side, as far away as they could get from each other whilst still staying on the small sidewalk, which wasn’t very far. They slowed to a stop outside of the house that remained familiar to Shizuo from the last time he had walked Izaya home. Izaya sucked in a sharp breath at the light still shining bright from the living room window. How could he keep forgetting? They’d lived alone for so long, it’d take some time to get used to the idea of coming home to a stranger living in their house. Izaya hoped the discomfort didn't show on his face because Shizuo was staring at him curiously. 

The two girl’s shuffled back to his side once they too realised that something wasn't right. Though he wasn't sure how much their aunt had told them, witnessing her anger directed at their ‘father’ was sure to leave a bad impression in the girl’s minds. Or maybe the man just gave off a naturally menacing vibe, that would explain why Izaya felt the way he did. He made him feel like he wanted to shrink down into nothing under the man’s gaze, which wasn’t an easy task, nor was making him fearful of spending the night in his own home. He could only hope that he was overreacting for some reason, that he had just crumbled under the weight of everything that had happened recently and now his emotions were susceptible to being pulled in all directions, something he hoped would disappear in no time. 

But he had a feeling he was so very wrong, and he knew Shizuo could see it written all over his face. The distressing conflict of thoughts filling Izaya’s darkened eyes made the blonde’s brows furrow in concern.

“Are you… Okay?” Shizuo asked when Izaya made no move to go any closer to his house. He felt a sudden onslaught of Deja Vu, the situation all to familiar to the day before when he had asked Izaya the same thing after their collision. How had he shown more concern over the other in these last two days than he had the last one and a half years they had been at school together? _Because we hate each other_ , he reminded himself. This behaviour wasn't natural for them, and he knew it wouldn't last, even if he wanted it to.

The raven flinched at his voice, looking up at the other in slight surprise, as if he had forgotten Shizuo was there at all. “Fine.” Izaya offered a small smile that he knew wouldn’t fool Shizuo at all. “See you tomorrow.” He threw a wave over his shoulder and turned towards the house on stiff legs.

“Izaya!” Shizuo called out before he could walk any further. The raven turned his gaze back to the other. “Tomorrow is Saturday.” He explained and Izaya’s face remained relatively blank.

“Ah, right.” Izaya just gave a slow nod and walked up to the door, his sisters following closely behind. Before he stepped inside the house, he looked back at Shizuo, a smirk on his face. “Thanks for walking me home, Shizu-chan~” He drawled with a smile, repeating the words he had spoken to the blonde the day before. “Try not to get mugged on your way home!” He quickly added before stepping inside and closing the door behind him.

Shizuo stood still on the path, his face flushing lightly from the cold. He sighed a cloud of frosty breath and started on the walk back to his own home. A ridiculous idea bouncing around in his head with every step he took.

 

…………………..

 

When Izaya stepped inside, he was met with a warm house. The heater had been left on so the chill from the outside air was washed away in no time. He slipped off his shoes and warily made his way into the kitchen, where he could hear the clanging of pots and smell the scent of a cooked meal. 

Shirou stood over the stove, his shirt sleeves rolled up and tie missing from his neck. He turned around at the soft pad of feet and met Izaya’s protective stance, Mairu and Kururi huddled behind him. Shirou just smiled, so genuinely Izaya could almost believe it.

“I’ve made dinner, I thought we could all eat together and catch up.” His father spoke, still smiling.

Izaya forced a smile back. “Sure.” He took a seat at the already set dining table and motioned for his wary looking sisters to do the same. Shirou placed a large pot of creamy pasta in the centre of the table before taking a seat himself. They each took turns piling the food onto their plate. Izaya had cleared almost half of his plate before the silence was broken.

“So, how was your time with aunt Yuriko, girls?” Shirou questioned in an attempt to instigate small talk as they ate.

“It was good.” Mairu spoke quietly, struggling to successfully wrap the pasta around her fork.

“Good.” Kururi quietly murmured after her sister.

Shirou nodded in approval. “That’s good. Izaya, how was school?” 

“It was alright.” Izaya shrugged, chewing on the surprisingly tasty pasta.

His father nodded again. “And why were you home so late? School finished more than three hours ago.”

Izaya stiffened at the accusatory tone, but it wasn't due to fear or paranoia like he had suspected, his muscles were tensed in anger and frustration. This man, this _stranger_ had forced his way into their lives and now he was acting as though he had any sort of a right to _anything_ that concerned Izaya and his sisters. He took a deep breath and held the rage back from his voice, placing it deep in a metaphorical box. 

“The school festival is coming up, so I was spending time with my friends, organising what we would be doing to participate.” His hands were still clenched under the table, blunt nails digging into his palms. But he couldn't feel it, he couldn't feel anything for the fury numbing his body, for the blood pounding in his ears. “Not that it is any of your concern.” He mumbled under his breath, he couldn't help himself. But it was the wrong thing to say.

Izaya jumped at the loud bang of his father bringing both of his fists down hard onto the table. The plates rattled and two glasses of water toppled over. Izaya looked over at the frightened faces of his sisters, feeling his heart sink. Shirou looked up from the dark glare he had been casting at the table and smiled at the three of them. “Sorry, it’s been a long day. How about you girls head on up to bed now.” 

They looked to their brother, confused at the prospect of being sent to bed when the sky had only just begun to darken. Izaya nodded his head in the direction of the staircase, urging them to take their leave before things escalated. They both got out of their seats and fled hand in hand up the stairs, a troubled expression painting their features. Izaya kept his gaze trained on his half-empty plate, only looking up at the long sigh of his father.

“Don’t talk back to me like that. Your going to have to start telling me about where you’re going and what you’re doing. I can’t have you running off whenever you feel like it. I know you’ve spent a long time alone here, living as man of the house, but things are different now. There will be rules you’ll have to follow.”

Shirou kept talking but Izaya had tuned him out, the blood rushing through his veins had heated to a level that was beyond uncomfortable. The metaphorical box was about to burst with all of the misdirected frustration and bitterness he had kept inside for so long. Maybe even before three months ago, before his mother’s body had started to whither away. This anger felt like it had been brewing deep inside of himself for years, and now it was about to unleash on someone he felt was completely deserving. He knew he was about to do something he would inevitably regret, that he was about to step over the fine line that had been keeping them civil in each other’s presence, but it was pouring out of him before he could do anything to stop it.

Izaya shot up from the table, slamming both of his hands down flat on its surface. “Who the _fuck_ do you think you are? He seethed, livid and shaky. “You have no right to ask anything of me, anything _about_ me! You’re not my father! You have no say in what I do and you never have.” He spoke viciously and relentlessly. Stepping around the table and towards his father who had risen out of his seat — a cold look on his face —, Izaya moved closer to the other, the ferocious look on his face making him look just as intimidating, despite his lack of height and smaller stature. “You stay out of our lives and we’ll stay out of yours, deal?” He finished, a cruel, crazed grin on his face.

As soon as he had finished talking, he registered Shirou’s raised arm in his peripheral vision, although it was too late for him to dodge the powerful impact. The hand was brought down sharp and clean across Izaya’s cheek, the resounding slap forcing his head to the side. He had only a second to blink back the shock before that same hand was fisted in the front of his shirt.

“What did I say about talking back to me, Izaya?” The man growled out, his dark red eyes piercing into Izaya’s own, the raven felt his stomach drop. “I am trying _really_ hard, you know? It’s not easy being around a vindictive little shit like you.” His father continued. “I never _could_ stand the sight of you.” Using the grip on his shirt, Shirou shoved Izaya away, making him fall back to the ground. Izaya sent a malicious glare towards the man now towering over him. “Don’t test my patience.” Shirou grit out, walking away from the boy still sat on the floor.

Only once he had heard the slam of the office door did he stand back up and begin walking up the stairs and to his bedroom on unsteady feet. He locked the door as soon as he had closed it, then slid his back down the surface until he sat on the ground, head in his arms. He stayed like that for a while, steadying his breathing to something resembling normal. He changed into an oversized T-shirt and a pair of black sweatpants. He forwent brushing his teeth, for a lack of wanting to leave his room and just downed the glass of water by his bedside instead. He studied his reflection in the full body mirror of his closet and frowned at his appearance that seemed to worsen each day. Along with his already bruised face, he now had the addition of a split lip on one side of his mouth and two dark purple lines marring his cheekbone, of which he knew were the product of the thick silver rings his father had been wearing on his hand. _At I don't have school tomorrow_ , he thought. The weekend would give him time to heal before anyone could start asking questions.

He slipped under the warm covers of his bed and rested the uninjured side of his face on the pillow. In the darkness, he was now able to make out the blinking light of a notification on his phone, still plugged into the powerpoint and resting on his bedside table. He thought about ignoring it but even after turning the phone over, the blinking light somehow still disrupted the dark of his room. He gave up with a sigh and unlocked the device, reading the message that had been waiting for him.

[7:01] Shinra: **_Hey Izaya, do you want to come to the new carnival that has just opened up in Edogawa tomorrow with me, Kadota and Shizuo? It was his idea, he said we should all go together. Could be fun. :)_**

Izaya frowned. Usually he would avoid these kind of events but it could be a good excuse to get out of the house. He didn't want to be stuck home alone. He could drop the girl’s at a friends place, maybe let them stay the night and then spend the day being distracted from his problems. He could annoy Shizuo and banter with Shinra.

[7:49] Izaya: **_Okay._**

[7:50] Shinra: **_We’re meeting at the east exit of Ikebukuro station at 8. See you there :)_**

He placed the phone back on his desk, setting an alarm beforehand for good measure. He was in the process of drifting off to sleep before he heard a soft knock at his door. He stilled in his bed, unsure of who was on the other side of that door and what they wanted with him.

“Iza-nii?” 

He relaxed at the quiet call of his name. Walking to the door with arms wrapped around his cold body, he unlocked and opened it to the sight of Mairu and Kururi dressed in their matching pyjamas, each hugging a brightly coloured pillow close to their chest.

“Can we sleep with you?” Mairu whispered over the top of her pillow, eyes sad and pleading. Izaya opened the door a little wider and motioned them inside. They immediately burrowed under the covers on one side of his bed, leaving a space for him on the edge closest to the door. He sighed, making himself comfortable next to the two small bodies, cuddled for warmth.

Even once he had listened to the breathing of his sister’s even out into sleep, Izaya still lay awake, unable to find rest when his swelling lip throbbed with pain and a reminder of what he had done. He blinked his eyes back open at the rustle of someone moving next to him. He looked over to see Kururi, still awake and reaching a hand in his direction. It landed on his face, she ran her small fingers over the dark of his cheekbone and the inflamed cut at his mouth.

“Iza-nii is okay?”

He smiled softly at her, wanting to ease the worry lacing her voice. 

“Yeah, i’m okay.” He whispered back.

Kururi smiled sadly, shuffling closer to her brother. He left a hand to rest on her head, stroking through her unruly hair. It wasn't long until she fell back into sleep, her soft snoring matching that of her sister. He eventually drifted off himself, when the exhaustion his body had been harbouring became too much to bare.

He dreamt of rough hands buried in his hair and the tears of a small child, undeserving of the torment their mind had been riddled with.

 

…………………..

 

When Shizuo got up on Saturday morning, he was the only one awake in his house. It was a weekend, so unlike himself, Shizuo’s parents and little brother had chosen to sleep though the cold hours of the morning. He would have loved to do the same but he had decided it would be best to make an earlier start on today’s adventure so as to beat the train’s midday rush, filled to the brim with people who had decided to sleep in on their day off. 

He had come up with the idea yesterday afternoon, as he was walking home from Izaya’s house. Despite what the raven would have liked to think, Shizuo saw the discomfort in his face when he had realised he wasn't coming back to an empty home. He also saw the disappointment in the other’s expression when he realised tomorrow was a day he would probably have to spend at home. Shizuo didn't know what kind of a relationship Izaya had with his dad but he was sure he’d find it difficult himself to live with someone that had abandoned him at such a young age. It wasn't because he cared about Izaya or his feelings — or so he told himself — but he figured that being a better person meant taking steps like this. That it meant making an effort to reduce someone’s pain even if it didn't really concern him.

So Shizuo got dressed as quickly as possible, not wanting to leave his skin bare to the wintery air for more than a second. He threw on a pair of black jeans and a dark grey T-shirt, coupled with his thick black jacket and a pair of dark boots. He brushed his teeth and downed a glass of milk before leaving the house, his phone, wallet and key all shoved into the pockets of his jeans.

He started on his walk to the station, cursing under his breath at the cold he couldn't keep from seeping into his very bones. He started jogging, if only to defrost his icy blood and clear the sleepy haze still resting over his mind. Though he was lucky he had, because he reached the front of the station with only a minute to spare, red faced and panting for breath. He searched the growing sea of people for a familiar face, sighing in relief once he spotted Kadota’s beanie clad head.

“Hey.” He breathed once he had reached the other’s side.

“Hey.” Kadota spoke back. “Just get here?” He asked to which Shizuo nodded.

“Yeah. Any sign of the other’s?”

Kadota nodded his head in the direction of the pedestrian crossing connected to the station. Shizuo looked over and recognised Shinra’s brunette head of hair bounding their way. Once he had met their gazes, Shinra lifted his hand and waved at the two of them, oblivious to the few pedestrians that had to jump out of his way else they get barrelled over by the four-eyed idiot.

“Hey guys!” The brunette panted, hands on his knees, once he was standing next to Shizuo. “Hm, the train leaves in a few minutes, I wonder where Izaya is.” Shinra mumbled to himself. Shizuo and Kadota took it upon themselves to search the crowd for Izaya’s raven head of hair, not that such a feature was exclusive enough to anyone in Japan for it to be of any use.

He only looked back down at Shinra’s startled shout. He hadn't even noticed Izaya, who had come up behind the brunette and wrapped his arms around Shinra’s stomach, head resting on his shoulder. 

“There you are! We were just about to leave without you.” Shinra joked, turning his head back to grin at the other. Izaya was almost unrecognisable in his out-of-school clothes. He donned the same black jeans he usually wore to school but with the addition of a light grey sweatshirt and a black trench coat that reached down to his hips. He also had a dark maroon scarf wrapped around his neck that Shizuo thought brought out the striking colour of his eyes. 

It was strange for Shizuo, he had never be one to go out to places with his friends, so this was his first time seeing all of them outside of their uniform. But even so, that wasn't what shocked Shizuo, that wasn’t what left Shinra’s mouth agape once he had turned to fire a grin at Izaya.

Shinra’s smile disappeared and his eyes filled with concern. “Izaya, what happened to your face?”

Izaya’s pale skin still held the marks of his run-in with Shizuo a couple of days before. His forehead and the bridge of his nose were still dark with bruising, but now there was more. His lip had split and slightly swollen on one side of his face, the same side on which his cheek was mottled with purple tinged skin and two black-blue lines, almost like stitches across his cheekbone.

Izaya smiled, stepping away from his grasp around Shinra’s middle. “Oh, I had a stumble down the stairs last night.” He chuckled.

Shizuo frowned. He knew it was a well rehearsed lie. The marks on his cheek were too straight and symmetrical to have been from anything to do with falling down the stairs, not to mention he seriously doubted that Izaya would be clumsy enough to do such a thing. No, it looked more as though he had been struck across the face with a thin whip. But he kept quiet, just like the rest of them did.

“You’re an idiot.” Shinra mumbled, ruffling Izaya’s hair. They moved inside the station, heading for the train line they would soon take. It pulled into the station as soon as they had walked through the gate. They each jumped into the closest carriage and Shizuo was surprised at how packed full it was. _So much for beating the rush_ , he thought. He shuffled inside and grabbed onto the last remaining handle hanging from the roof. Shinra and Kadota stood a few meters away, almost completely concealed by the many businessmen that stood between them and everywhere else.

He caught sight of Izaya standing a few feet away from him, looking around at something to hold onto. As if on instinct, he reached out and grabbed onto Izaya’s upper arm, steadying himself and the raven as the train lurched into motion. Izaya stumbled a bit, falling back into Shizuo’s chest instead of forward and into some stranger’s. Shizuo swallowed his distaste and held Izaya close to himself, his arm across the other’s chest. Izaya held onto Shizuo’s forearm for a moment, regaining his balance. Once he had let go, Shizuo thought that he should too. He could blame the first outreach on instinct, but once he kept Izaya under his strong grasp he figured that fact would become irrelevant. He did so anyway, figuring this was better than Izaya running into a different short-tempered idiot and causing trouble.

After the train hit another bump and Izaya realised this position was here to stay and for the best, he wrapped his hands back around the front of Shizuo’s forearm, resting his chin on his knuckles.  
Luckily, they only had to keep it up for ten or so minutes, once the train made a stop at a busy station, a majority of the people got off of the train and Shizuo saw a spare seat open up next to him. He let go of Izaya and pointed in the direction of the vacant chair.

“Over there, quick.” He spoke, ushering the raven forward before anyone else could claim the spot. Izaya slunk through the remaining passengers and quickly planted himself on the seat, leaning back and sighing in relief.

Shizuo chose to turn his gaze out of the train window and follow the scenery slipping by instead. He let the blur of landscape lull him into a comfortable daze, tuning out of his surroundings until they reached their destination.

It didn't take much longer for them to arrive. He would have missed it too, if Kadota hadn't come over and nudged his attention into the present. The four of them left the station and followed Shinra’s lead to the knew Carnival Shizuo had only heard of. He was picturing something small and quaint, maybe along the lines the Santa Monica Pier in America he had seen pictures of. However, he was shocked when they came across what Shizuo pegged as a full fledged amusement park, something more along the lines of Disneyland. He could see high-risen and elaborate roller coasters in the distance and felt his heart start to beat a little faster. 

Thankfully the line for tickets was shorter than they had anticipated, the still early hour of the morning probably the cause. Shizuo scanned the area as they walked through the opening, he could see food stalls, carnival games, a ferris wheel, and there was sure to be more. Shinra came back from the information stand he had stopped by and handed each of them a map of the park. Looking at the aerial view of the place, he realised how big it really was. _It’d be too easy to get lost here_ , he thought.

“Let’s explore!” Shinra cried, marching forward in no particular direction. “What should we do first?” He asked the group following closely behind.

“I want to go on that!” Izaya spoke, pointing his finger in the direction of a giant rollercoaster and jumping up and down like a little kid. Shizuo had to agree with him, he had always loved rollercoasters, ever since going to his first theme park as a child. 

Shinra winced, slowing to a stop. “I forgot to mention that I can’t do roller coasters.”

Shizuo frowned. “You don't like them?” He asked, a little shocked that anyone could feel that way about something so exhilarating.

“No, i do!” Shinra wailed. “But they make me really sick so I can’t go on them.”

“Oh… What about you Kadota?” Shizuo asked.

“Uh, I just don’t really like scary things like that.” He huffed a laugh at Shizuo’s incredulous stare. “But don't worry, me and Shinra will wonder around while you guys can do all the big rides.”

Shizuo frowned, a little disappointed. He really didn’t like the idea of wondering around just with Izaya, who knew what would go wrong. He looked at the raven who stood studying the park map.

“Alright, lets go.” He sighed, walking past him. 

Izaya scowled at him. “What makes you think I want to spend time alone with you.” Izaya drawled, that condescending smirk back on his face. Despite what he was saying, he still followed after Shizuo.

The blonde just rolled his eyes. “I don't care what you do.” He breathed with disinterest, smiling as he heard Izaya huff in annoyance.

The wait for the ride was only a few minutes. Shizuo felt his blood pump harder and his breath come faster with each step they took closer to the front. He kept fidgeting with his hands and tapping his foot impatiently, feeling a little dizzy with adrenaline.

“Jeez, calm dow. You’re practically panting like a dog.” Izaya muttered from his place next to the blonde.

“I can’t help it.” Shizuo grumbled back. “It’s exciting.”

They had finally reached the front of the line and Shizuo watched the cart pull to a stop in front of them. The small barriers opened and they were able to get on the ride. The cart fit probably twelve of so people and Shizuo made a beeline for the front seat, Izaya sliding in beside him. He pulled the bar down over the both of them and it clicked into place. The instructor came to do a safety check on each of the bars and then they were off, moving at a slow and gradual pace up an incline. Shizuo was sure he was grinning like an absolute idiot but he couldn't help himself. This was always his favourite part, the slow lead up, the anticipation of the drop that awaited them in a second or so.

They reached the tip of the ramp and then-

They dropped.

The wind rushed through Shizuo’s hair and he felt his stomach drop in that familiar sensation he often associated with rollercoasters. The ride twisted and turned and made sudden drops that had Shizuo grinning ear to ear the entire time. On the second or third drop, he looked to his left by chance and found something that made his heart flutter faster than any ride had. Izaya was smiling like Shizuo had never seen him before. It was bright and genuine, filled with pearly white teeth and lips stretched taught. His wildly mussed raven hair and face full of purple bruising only made him look that much more breathtaking. It shocked Shizuo that his brain could associate Izaya with anything even remotely close to the word _beautiful_ , but that smile had numbed his brain and left him speechless. 

It felt as though the wind had been knocked out of him, it _frightened_ him how much he wanted to see that smile, all the time, everywhere he went. With the sunlight shining down on him Izaya looked _angelic_ and it fascinated him how easily someone could switch between two so incredibly different faces. He could not imagine ever wanting to hurt this ethereal creature that sat next to him, but he knew that somehow he _had_ , he still did occasionally. 

Shizuo had to look away, that smile felt like something that would destroy him if he stared to long, that would leave him changed forever, for better or for worse. He knew that things had already changed for Shizuo, even if it was due to unfortunate circumstances, he felt like he had seen a different side to Izaya, something that proved he was just as human — if not more so than the rest of them. 

Hell, he still hated him, probably. He was a flea, a blood sucking parasite. The only difference was that now he knew there was something else there, something that might be worth looking past the bad he had so easily called out on the day they had first met. The day that Shizuo often wondered what would have happened between them had he not acted so immature and completely rejected Izaya before he had the chance to introduce himself. As much as Shizuo regretted it, he thought their butting of heads was inevitable. They were too different, like mismatching pieces from two separate puzzles.

But things were different now. Back then he felt like he had needed that hatred, it fuelled his blind fury and fed off of his own self-loathing. 

 

_But I don't need this like I used to._

 

Even if he couldn't mend things between them, at least he could try. Maybe the real key to his inner-peace resided in ridding himself of the hatred that swam through his veins like a plague. And besides himself, Izaya had always remained at the top of that list.

The ride started to slow as it neared its end, and the cart was pulling to a stop back where they had started before Shizuo had even noticed.

 

_‘Cause I feel blinded, blinded by you._


	7. Chemistry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Chemistry, you and me_
> 
> _All i want is you_
> 
> _Next to me, hear you breathe_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this chapter is up a little later than usual. It was my birthday last week so I wanted some time off for that. Me and my friends made an awesome Durarara cake for it! Here's a picture if you wanna see it: https://www.instagram.com/p/Bl1Yq5FFvUt/?taken-by=lily_rosy 
> 
> Anyway I hope you enjoy another relatively happy and fluffy chapter as they will disappear very soon. Chapter song and summary lyrics are:
> 
> Chemistry - Lund

Shizuo stumbled out of the carriage, the supervisor of the ride ushering them off to make space for the next group of park attendees. 

“That was awesome!” He could hear Izaya chattering by his side, describing the best parts of the ride and saying that they should line up to do it again.

As they walked past it, Shizuo looked at the line for the ride that had only increased in length since they had first joined it. “We should do the others first cause we might have to wait a while for them.” He refuted. “And we should tell Shinra and Kadota first.”

Izaya hummed in acceptance as they walked back to where they had last seen their two friends. When Shizuo had reached the familiar spot, he stopped. “Huh…” He turned in a circle, searching for a familiar face. “What the hell? They left us!” He growled out when he found no sign of Shinra or Kadota.

Izaya just shrugged his shoulders is nonchalance. “They can find us later. Lets go on that one now!” Shizuo turned to see Izaya pointing in the direction of another elaborate roller coaster. Not as scary as the first, but a good contender none the less.

He sighed. “Okay.” They could just message the others when they were finished anyway, there wasn't much point in catching up with them now. 

And so they lined up for the next ride, and the next, and the next. By the time Shizuo stumbled off what he thought was the last big roller coaster, his nervous system felt fried and the constant surge of adrenaline had drained all of his energy. He was exhausted. Izaya however, looked like he could keep going for the rest of the day, he still skipped passed the other people while Shizuo struggled to not trip over his own two feet.

“Ooh, let’s play some carnival games, Shizuo!” Izaya suddenly stopped in front of a stall filled to the brim with stuffed animals of all sizes. There seemed to be some kind of set-up in which basketball hoops lined the area in front of them, varying in distance and height. The sign stuck to one of the hoops read that in order to win a prize you had to get the basketball in six baskets, each basket different and in only eight goes or less. The game looked fun but Shizuo honestly did not want to be carrying around a stuffed toy for the rest of the day, nor did he have any idea what he’d do with it in general. _I think i’ll sit this one out_ , he thought.

Shizuo just watched Izaya hand over a couple hundred yen to the person standing behind the stall and be gestured towards the large crate of basketballs. Izaya picked one up, turning in over in his hands, contemplating the weight and size of the object before he threw it. Shizuo knew that unlike himself, Izaya had pretty good aim when it game to throwing things. His knives always struck their moving target — Shizuo, more often that not — and they were so accurate, it almost seemed he was telekinetic.

That meant that Shizuo was more than surprised when Izaya completely missed the first basket. The ball left his hands and dropped to the ground without so much as touching the rim of the hoop. 

“Huh…” Izaya squinted confusedly at the hoop and then the ball still rolling across the ground. Shizuo watch him shrug and pick up another ball, lining it up and shooting. Only to miss again. And again. Izaya huffed in annoyance as his last chance rolled across the ground. He’’d missed three out of eight which meant he’d already lost without getting any in. It was kind of sad.

Shizuo chuckled at Izaya’s disgruntled features, obviously not happy that he had been beaten by something as simple as a ball and hoop. Izaya pulled the wallet back out of his pocket and stared into its empty depths. He quickly put it back before he thought Shizuo could see and turned to leave.

“Wait, I wanna have a go.” Shizuo quickly mumbled, pulling some notes from his pocket and handing them to the same guy behind the stall. Izaya sighed and stood watching the blonde. Shizuo was tall enough that the baskets felt almost close enough drop the balls straight in. He’d never played basketball before but he loved watching it on TV and so he’d seen enough to be able to replicate their shooting position. He held the ball high above his head, one hand on the back and one on the front, feet apart and chin raised. It was all for show but he figured that if he acted like he knew what he was doing then it’d all turn out okay.

He released a breath at the same time he released the ball. It curved into a surprisingly clean arch and landed in the basket closest to him without even touching the hoop.

“Huh…” It was Shizuo’s turn to be surprised. He brushed it off as probably a fluke and picked up another ball to go again. This time he raised his arms a little higher and jumped a foot off the ground. The ball once again went straight through the hoop a little further behind the first.

“I didn't know Shizu-chan could play basketball.” Izaya spoke from next to the blonde, leaning against the bench separating the stall from outsiders.

“Neither did I.” Shizuo admitted, throwing another basketball with success. Within the minute a ball had passed through five of the hoops, the last remaining one being at the back of the stall. Shizuo missed that one twice and for a second thought that his efforts were going to be fruitless. But he jumped a little higher with the last ball he threw, it curved and hit the edge of the hoop, rolling around the rim a couple of times before making its decision and dropping into the basket.

“Yes!” Shizuo yelled, his energy brought back by the excitement of being good enough to win something. He immediately looked around afterwards, a little embarrassed by his outburst. The guy in the stall looked a lot less excited, he mumbled disinterestedly asking what prize Shizuo wanted to pick. His eyes raked over the many shelves stuffed with fluffy looking creatures. He looked down at Izaya, staring off into the distance and nudged his side with an elbow.

“What was the one you wanted?” Izaya looked up at the blonde’s words, his face scrunching in confusion.

“What?”

Shizuo rolled his eyes. “You played the game because you obviously wanted something. So? Which one is it?” He mumbled gesturing to the wide array of stuffed toys.  
“Oh, that one.” Izaya pointed to a fat purple unicorn sitting on the highest shelf. It wasn't as big as some of the other prizes, the ones that would compete with the height of a small child. But it still looked a little overweight, in Shizuo’s opinion. “I wanted to get it for my sisters if you must know. They’re at that stage where they love all that sparkly unicorn stuff.” Izaya mumbled quietly, facing away from the blonde. 

Shizuo regained the still waiting man’s attention and pointed to the fluffy unicorn. “That one, please.” The guy gave him a funny look but pulled the toy down from its spot on the self regardless. Shizuo grabbed it and nudged Izaya’s attention back over to himself. He held it in front of the raven’s face and Izaya stared at it with a look of shock.

“Here, take it.” Shizuo shook the toy and pushed it into Izaya’s chest.

Izaya grasped the unicorn and squeezed it close to himself. “Um, thanks.” He whispered, a little confused.

“Don’t mention it.” Came Shizuo’s gruff reply. 

To the blonde’s delight, Izaya was pretty quiet after that. They walked around the park in comfortable silence until Shizuo spotted a takoyaki stand and his stomach growled in anguish.

“Hey, go find a table while I get some food.” Shizuo spoke to the raven after stopping in his tracks. He turned and left for the food stand before Izaya could even respond. Shizuo could hear him huff a little at the abrupt order but when he threw a glance back over his shoulder he spotted him sitting down at an empty park table. The line started to shorten and soon Shizuo found himself stood at the front of the counter. He pulled another couple of notes from his pocket, noting its decreasing weight with distaste and ordered two plates of takoyaki. He was handed the freshly cooked plates almost immediately and made his way back over to the table.

Izaya startled a bit when Shizuo suddenly sat down, placing a plate of the food in front of him. “Shizu-chan is being awfully nice today~” He drawled. “Keep this up and you might start to lose your bad boy reputation.”

“Shut up and eat your food.” Shizuo growled, taking a bite of his first piece of takoyaki. It melted in his mouth and he felt his anger start to dissipate in favour of his eager stomach. He watched Izaya take tentative bites of his food, the purple unicorn still sitting in his lap.

“So, what ride was your favourite, Shizu-chan?” Shizuo looked up at Izaya’s voice, a little startled that he was trying to make conversation.

“Um, the first one.” He admitted, looking back down at his food. The first ride was his favourite but probably not for any reason Izaya would have thought.

“Hm, yeah that was probably mine too.” Izaya spoke, now shovelling food into his mouth a little more eagerly. “We should probably message Shinra and Dota-chin now, they could be looking for us.” The raven pulled out his phone and started typing on it with one hand, sending a quick message of their whereabouts.

If Shizuo was being honest he had completely forgotten about them and only now thought to check his phone. There were no new messages so they couldn't have been that eager to catch back up. Shizuo tried his best to not be bitter about it, seeing as he had forgotten the other’s presence entirely.

He was finishing off the last bite of his food when Kadota and Shinra appeared out of nowhere, standing beside their table. 

“Well there you two are!” The brunette chirped, making Shizuo jump in his seat.

“Yeah, here we are. Where the hell were _you_?” Shizuo grumbled back at Shinra’s happy grin.  
“We got hungry waiting for you so we left to go eat! Besides we thought you two could use some special bonding time~” Shizuo glared at Shinra’s bespectacled face to which the brunette pointedly ignored.

“GAH!” Shizuo jumped again at Shinra’s sudden yell. “What the hell is that thing?” He looked at the accusing finger Shinra had pointed in the direction of Izaya’s lap, where the fat purple unicorn sat.

Izaya hugged the stuffed animal protectively. “It’s a unicorn, Shizu-chan won it for me.”

Shinra’s eyes bugged out of his head, along with Kadota’s. “Shizuo did?” The brunette questioned, looking back and forth between the two.

“Shizuo sent a dark glare towards the raven’s smug smirk.” _Why would you tell them that?_

Lucky for him, the apparently shocking gesture was brushed aside for the moment. “It’s ugly.” Shinra deadpanned, staring distastefully at the purple creature. Izaya’s face morphed into one of shocked offence.

“It is _not_.” He spouted back, to which Shinra took a couple steps away from the table.

“It’s kind of scary too.” The brunette spoke warily.

Izaya laughed, a cruel smirk on his face. He rose form his seat and took a step in Shinra’s direction, the unicorn outstretched in front of him. Shinra took a couple more steps back, which Izaya again matched with his own. 

“Please don’t.” Shinra whispered, before breaking into a run around the table. Izaya chased after him with the toy in front of his face, yelling something about how _‘The unicorn is fat because it eats glasses wearing medical enthusiasts for breakfast.’_

Shizuo watched the scene in mild amusement, wondering how Izaya hadn't fallen flat on his face yet. Once they had done a few laps around the table, Shinra decided to take off in a another direction, out towards the food stalls. It was at this moment that Izaya decided his work was done and he took a seat back at the table. It took a few more minutes of waiting before Shinra waddled back over, keeping his distance from Izaya and the purple unicorn even as they walked back to the park’s entrance. Shizuo had to swallow down a laugh every time Shinra would look in their direction, only for Izaya to quickly raise the toy back in front of his face and growl threateningly. Every time, Shinra would quickly avert his gaze with a small squeak.

Before they left the park, Shinra decided that they should all go on at least one ride together. So they lined up for the ferris wheel situated next to the entrance. Shinra had convinced himself that it was a small enough ride that he wouldn't be sick on it, while Kadota had to be forcibly dragged into the seat. It was one of the ferris wheels from which hung small seats with bars over them rather than small rooms that could seat a group. And since Shinra had already deemed Kadota his partner, Shizuo had no choice other than to slide in next to Izaya on the seat. It was barely big enough for two people and the outside of Shizuo’s thigh and upper arm was pressed hard against Izaya’s own. The raven’s smaller frame being the only thing that prevented them from sitting on top of each other. Izaya didn't complain at the close contact so Shizuo chose to ignore it as well.

He pulled the bar down over them so it sat snug against his lap and the purple unicorn’s, still seated in Izaya’s own. The ride jerked into motion and they started to rise high into the air. Shizuo could hear Shinra trying to placate Kadota from the cart in front of him. 

They soon reached the top of the ride and Shizuo’s breath caught in his throat. The view was incredible, it felt like he could see the entire city stretch on forever. The afternoon sun had started to set in the distance and Shizuo could see the high-rise buildings of the city bathed in an orange glow, the distant bodies of water shimmering with the reflection of the lowering ball of orange heat.

Shizuo was knocked out of his peaceful thoughts by a kick to his ankle. Izaya was swinging his legs like a child, the stuffed toy still sat in his lap, along with his soft smile only making him look even more so. The sunset seemed to soak into his porcelain skin and left him with his own orange glow. For the second time that day, Shizuo was caught once again thinking how beautiful Izaya had the ability to be. The soft, admiring gaze he had on the raven turned into a glare as his ankle was kicked once again. He quickly trapped both of Izaya’s dangling legs between his own. Izaya looked at him with a startled expression at first, but it soon turned into a childish grin that made Shizuo’s heart flutter for some stupid, ridiculous, unknown reason. He released the raven’s legs almost immediately, satisfied with how they stayed relatively still.

“Shizu-chan.”

Shizuo’s attention was brought back to Izaya’s blank gaze directed over the city as it passed by. “Yeah?”

“Do you believe in the afterlife?”

Shizuo’s face scrunched in confusion. “What?”

Izaya just rolled his eyes. “The afterlife.” He said simply. “You know, life after death. Heaven. Nirvana. Whatever you want to call it.”

“Never mind. Forget it.” Izaya quickly amended when Shizuo’s only response was a confused and frustrated expression that asked _‘Why?’_.

“I don't know.” Izaya looked back up at the blonde’s reply and Shizuo sighed at the surprisingly deep topic of conversation. “No one can really know. There’s nothing to prove it so it’s something I like to avoid thinking about. There’s no point in worrying over something that you can’t change anyway.”

Izaya slowly nodded his head, as if he was contemplating the new information. Then he gave a small smile. “That sounds like something you’d say. You can be fairly observant after all.”

Shizuo grunted in response, not sure if he was receiving a compliment or an insult.

“What about you? What do you believe?” He asked back. Izaya closed his eyes for a bit before carefully answering.

“I’ve always believed that there was no such thing, that to have a god in control of every aspect of our being was ridiculous, and not something i’d want to believe in. But I admit that it is a nice thought, a nice notion. I want to believe it because I think that the idea of there being nothing but darkness after death is almost equally as frightening.”

Shizuo was shocked at such an honest response. He felt privileged that Izaya would share something so private with someone he hated. He figured that the topic was something he was bound to contemplate after the death of a loved one, Shizuo just couldn't believe he’d chosen to confide in him. He guessed that they were technically stuck together up here, and maybe the view of the setting sun and the exhaustion of the day had left Izaya’s defences down, or at least a little lower than usual. Shizuo wouldn't complain, though he knew he wasn't the best as far as advice went.

“Yeah. It’s pretty scary.” Was all he could provide, letting the comfortable silence settle over them as they drifted above the city. If Shizuo closed his eyes, he could pretend that he was flying. 

Less than a minute passed and he felt a soft weight of his shoulder. He looked down to see Izaya’s raven head of hair resting against his shoulder. His eyes were still open so he ruled out the possibility that he’d fallen asleep on him. His initial instinct was to push him off, to growl out an insult for messing with him like that. But with their recent topic of conversation, he figured that he just wanted some comfort and Shizuo happened to be the only one close by. Shizuo wasn't so heartless as to deny someone something like that. He tried to relax his stiff muscles and squeezed his arm out from where it was squished against Izaya’s side. His hand hovered in the air a bit, unsure of what he was doing and how mortified he would be if Izaya really _was_ just messing with him. He sighed and let his arm wrap around the raven’s shoulders, his hand coming to rest against his upper arm.

Izaya stiffened for a second, probably expecting Shizuo to haul him out of the seat and throw him into the city, but he relaxed after a moment and they continued staring out into the darkening sky, watching the lights of the buildings and streets flicker on one by one. 

They didn't even notice that the staff were having trouble stopping the ride and so they sat there for twice as long as they should have.

 

……………….

 

They finally left the park as the sun was barely showing over the horizon and the flashing lights of the park led them out onto the road. They walked to the station and the cold wind that had picked up whipped past Izaya’s head. He kept his arms wrapped tight around himself and the purple unicorn still hugged to his chest.

At least the train wasn't as packed as it had been on their way over. All four of them were able to score a seat close to the door, and so Izaya was able to wait comfortably until they reach their hometown. He tried not to doze off but it was proving to be difficult, at one point he’d closed his eyes for too long and his head had started to drift into the shoulder of the stoic business man sat next to him, to which he’d received a small nudge to his arm that sent him wide awake again.

He was glad when the train finally pulled into their station, and he was a little closer to being able to fall into his warm bed. They stood outside of the east exit, as they had that morning and said their goodbyes. Kadota and Shinra both walked off in the direction of their house, leaving Shizuo and Izaya to walk together in the opposite. When they had passed the point at which Shizuo should be turning off to his own house, Izaya stopped and stared back at the blonde.

“Um, aren't you forgetting something?” He asked, an amused look on his face. But Shizuo’s eyes didn't light up in sudden realisation, he just shrugged and kept walking.

“No, I don't think so.”

Izaya followed after him, too tired to argue over something so trivial. If Shizuo wanted to walk him home yet again, who was he to deny such a strange and confusing request. He kept quiet, listening to the sound of their mismatched steps, aligning every so often into perfect harmony and then falling out again. 

Though he refused to show it, he felt a little embarrassed at the display of weakness he’d shown when they were on the ferris wheel at the park. He’d been feeling a little emotional and in need of comfort and had suddenly become curious as to what would happen if sought that from his greatest enemy. He’d acted before he could stop himself and he wasn't sure if the results had made him feel better or worse. The fact that Shizuo had offered his support so easily to someone he hated, and that izaya had felt comfortable in the arm of the blonde when he despised contact from almost every other person, made him feel surprisingly… sad. 

He didn't feel disgust or discomfort or even anger, he just felt sad. 

And he couldn't for the life of him figure out why.

Izaya only realised that they’d reached his house once Shizuo’s footsteps had stopped walking alongside his own. He stopped and turned back to see Shizuo standing in front of his house, smiling amusedly at the raven. He lowered his head in embarrassment and walked back over towards the blonde. His cheeks and nose were flushed red from the cold and so he flinched at the warm hand that touched his face. Shizuo’s thumb brushed softly over the new bruise on his cheekbone and then ran across the bottom of his still slightly swollen lip. Once he’d met Izaya’s bewildered expression, he quickly retracted his hand.

“You gonna tell me what really happened to your face?”

Izaya frowned at the accusation. “No.” He spoke coldly. To his surprise, Shizuo didn't push it. He just huffed a laugh and looked down at his shoes. 

“Okay.” He spoke softly. “Just letting you know that you can tell me one day if you want. Promise I can keep a secret.”

Izaya ducked his head in a nod. “Thanks.” He mumbled to the blonde. “For the unicorn and the food today.”

Shizuo rubbed the back of his neck, feeling a little awkward. “No problem.” He said.

Izaya turned and walked up the driveway to his front door. After opening it he looked back over his shoulder. “Thanks for walking me home Shizu-chan~”

Shizuo huffed another laugh at Izaya repeating the same phrase now three days in a row. He waited until the door had closed behind the raven to turn and walk back down the path he came. 

“Goodnight Izaya.”


	8. Unfair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little shorter than usual but that's only because it's pretty action packed. This was my first time writing an action scene and it was pretty hard putting this awesome fight scene I had in my head into writing. I hope it's alright. This chapter's song was what I had going along to the fight scene in my head, I think it fits pretty well.
> 
> Unfair - The neighbourhood

After he closed the door, Izaya leant his back against it for a moment, keeping his eyes closed and just focusing on his breathing. _Jeez, stupid Shizu-chan being all sweet and unpredictable._ It was weird and confusing and _definitely_ not welcome. So much had already changed in his life and now the only constant — his and Shizuo’s mutual hatred — seemed to be morphing into something else as well. But what was it? Tolerance? Begrudging acceptance?… Friendship?

Over his dead body!

_Ugh, this is so unfair._

The noise of the TV playing in the living room brought his attention back to the present. After what happened yesterday, he was starting to think that spending the night at home alone was not the smartest idea. He shouldn't of let the girls sleep over at their friend’s house, or he should of at least made plans to stay with Shinra instead. But there was nothing he could do about it now, at least his sisters weren't going to be exposed to any more anger should they have a repeat of yesterdays argument. 

It was unlikely anything would happen again anyway. They were both angry and fired up and Izaya had been caught off guard. He’d dealt with worse before, it was hardly something to lose sleep over. He could brush it under the carpet this time but he wouldn't let it happen again. He couldn't have his sister’s living in the same house as someone with violent tendencies.

He made his way upstairs, leaving his thick winter coat, scarf and boots in his room. He went next door to the girl’s room, sighing at the mess of clothes strewn over the floor and the unmade beds. He tidied the room up, throwing dirty clothes into the hamper and putting away the clean ones. He made-up the two single beds that had been pushed together the day they had arrived and placed the purple unicorn in the middle once he was done. He couldn't wait to see their reaction tomorrow. He hoped it was something that would keep them happy and distracted from all that was going on.

He warily made his way downstairs after that, walking past the empty living room and into the kitchen. Shirou was sitting at the dining table, the phone to his hear. Izaya immediately stopped in his place and felt an almost overwhelming urge to go back upstairs and forget about dinner entirely. When Shirou didn't even look up from his phone call — just hummed into the receiver, contemplating what information he was being handed over the phone — Izaya figured it was safe to continue his venture. He wanted to be quick so he opened for cup of instant ramen. That way all he had to do was wait for the water to boil and then he could take it to eat in his room. He filled the kettle and placed it on the stove, turning the dial until the flame caught and spread out under the metal.

He stood watching the flame burn, tapping his finger against the kitchen counter in an attempt to make time run faster. It was futile. Izaya felt his breath catch in his throat once he realised that his father’s phone call had ended and the eery silence that blanketed the room only felt heavier. His finger paused on the counter and he listened to his father stand and take even steps towards the raven. Izaya felt every muscle in his body go so taught he thought they might snap. His breathing picked up to match the speed of his racing heart and he felt dizzy with adrenaline. He suddenly realised that having his back turned like it was, wasn't an ideal position. He’d left himself open and vulnerable but he couldn't bring himself to turn around, to even move a muscle for that matter.

“Where did you go today?” His voice was calm and cold, it only made Izaya feel more rigid in his place. Thankfully he didn’t even have the chance to answer.

“I thought we came to an agreement last night.” Shirou spoke to the back of Izaya’s head and if he wasn't so wrapped up in his own anxiety he could have scoffed. _You call that an agreement?_ “You are to tell me where you go and when. I thought I made that perfectly clear. I don't want to get angry with you, Izaya. You just can't seem to follow simple instructions. What will it take to get you to listen—“

Shirou’s voice faded out of Izaya’s conscious. It was too much, what the fuck was wrong with him!? It felt like he was about to have a fucking panic attack for no god damn reason. He couldn't breathe, paranoia had him tight in its grasp. The anxiety was almost overwhelming, he felt it building and building, creeping up on him like a predator stalking its prey in the woods, like the monster in the closet waiting for you as a child, like the undeniable chill of feeling something standing _right_ behind you.

“Izaya.”

The sound of the kettle whistling grew until every other sound was drowned out. 

“Izaya.”

Out of the kettle poured hot steam, it clouded his body and made him feel feverish. Izaya closed him eyes and covered his ears with his hands. All he could feel was the blood pounding in his ears and all he could hear was the sound of the kettle screaming. He tried to hold back his own scream.

“Izaya!”

When the high pitched squealing reached his peak — along with his anxiety — he felt something within him break. Something that cracked and crumbled under the pressure.

“IZAYA!”

Izaya’s hearing rushed back in full force and the shock of his name being yelled so loud lined his body and mind with the final cracks. His body moved on its own, pure animal instinct taking over his movement. He distantly wondered if this was how Shizuo felt every time he gave into that terrifying rage. Izaya’s hand shot out in front of him and he grasped the cool handle of the biggest kitchen knife. He pulled it from the wooden block in a sharp swing, turning on his feet to face his father, the knife outstretched in front of himself.

Shirou took a step back, his eyes wide in shock. “What the fuck are you doing?” The shocked expression quickly morphed into one of anger. “Put the knife down, Izaya.” Shirou practically growled the words, repositioning himself into a threatening stance despite the sharp knife pointed in his direction. 

Izaya cursed his shaking hand. He was a person of logic. He carefully planned the downfall of dangerous gangs, he could singlehandedly bring down this cities most corrupt individuals, and he had held his own against Shizu-chan on multiple occasions. So why? Why was he acting on such maddeningly human impulses. Why had he made it a habit of letting his emotions determine his actions. It frustrated him to no end and only plunged him further into the depths of this broken insanity.

But the deed was done. It didn't matter that he’d regretted it as soon as the fog over his mind had cleared and he realised what he’d done. The situation had escalated by his own hand and so he couldn’t back down. If he thought his paranoia had been irrational before, it was definitely justified now. His father’s gaze had turned cold and feral and Izaya started to wonder if he really would be able to defend himself against this man that he knew so little about.

“I’m not going to ask you again.” 

Izaya stayed silent and held his ground against his father’s icy voice. Knowing that if he showed hesitance now, his father would see it as a sign of weakness and take advantage of any openings in Izaya’s defences. If he wasn't so jittery with nerves and adrenaline, if his senses had been a little more sharpened, he may have noticed the shift in Shirou’s weight and the way his leg muscles bunched up under his expensive suit pants.

His foot came flying towards Izaya’s face at an alarming speed. Pure instinct was all that saved him from the impact as he leant back and ducked his head out of the way in the nick of time. He felt the air rush by his face, the sole of Shirou’s dress shoe barely missing his nose. The absolute power behind the kick making it evident that the man was highly experienced in some sort of martial art or street fighting. 

Shirou had to regain his balance after the kick to Izaya’s face proved futile. Izaya took this chance to step forward and bring the knife down in an attempt to swipe a line of crimson across his father’s chest. Just as he had done to Shizuo on the day they had first met. Shirou jumped back and out of the way, but he wasn't quite fast enough. Though the damage was minimal, the knife still caught his shirt and ripped a line from his right pectoral down to his toned abdominals. A thin line of red appeared almost instantly and Izaya readied himself for the man’s defensive attack.

“You fucking psycho!” Shirou growled, his new injury not slowing him down in the slightest. He lunged towards Izaya again, trying to grab his wrist. Izaya saw it coming and dodged the hand with ease. He took a couple of steps back and violently flinched when his back hit the kitchen counter. Taking a quick glance to his left, he realised he’d just unknowingly blocked himself in between the joint of two counters. Like a frightened animal, he’d backed himself into a corner.

_Big mistake._

With no room to move, Izaya had no way to evade Shirou’s next attack. The man’s foot barrelled towards him once again, making contact with the middle of his stomach. The breath rushed out of him and he couldn't stop himself from doubling over in pain. He did manage to bring the knife down over Shirou’s thigh as he retracted it from Izaya’s gut. But the thin slice made no difference. His father’s hand shot back out and this time made a successful grasp on the raven’s wrist. The grip was unrelenting, as was the sharp kick he aimed at the side of Izaya’s leg, forcing him to drop to a knee in front of the man.

Izaya grit his teeth as Shirou squeezed his wrist even tighter, bending it back until the knife fell to the kitchen floor with a clatter. As soon as he had relinquished his grip on the weapon, Izaya felt his father’s knee make a powerful impact with his face. His head hit the back of the counter and he crumpled to the floor. He forced the black spots from his vision once he realised that Shirou had released his wrist and bent over to claim the knife from the floor instead. 

Izaya’s eyes widened at the crazed, bloodthirsty gaze staring back down at him. He was lucky he still had enough remaining brain cells to make a split-decision and dive through the gap between Shirou’s right leg and the counter. He ducked into a roll and came to stand on unsteady feet a meter or so away from his father. Shirou span on his foot and rushed towards him immediately. He swiped at the raven’s lower stomach and every time Izaya just barely managed to take a small jump back and dodge the knife’s blade.

But his reaction time was getting slower and he was starting to stumble more often. The last couple of lunges towards Izaya’s body had left him with two paper cut thin lines of red on his stomach. For the first time in a long time, he was seriously starting to fear for his safety. The cold realisation that his little sister’s could come home to their big brother gutted like a pig, made him shiver as though someone had poured a bucket of ice cubes down the back of his shirt. He felt sick. He had to end this, he had to get out of this situation before irreversible damage was done to either one of them.

With his father so distracted on trying to carve Izaya up with the knife, he was able to grab a large vase sitting on a small table beside the couch. Izaya gripped it as best he could with one hand and brought it down hard over Shirou’s head. The force didn't knock him out like he had hoped, but his father still stumbled a bit, disorientated at the sudden impact. Izaya took his chance and wasted no time in turning on his heel and sprinting for the front door.

“Wait!”

He ignored the now distant sound of Shirou calling his name. Izaya threw the door open and slammed it closed behind him, stumbling out into the night. The sky had darkened to an inky black and he almost tripped and fell down the driveway. He didn't stop running. He ran and he ran until the cold air burned his nostrils and his lungs. He eventually found himself stopped at a small park. He stood bent over in front of it, hands on his knees and panting for breath. 

He could feel the sudden onslaught of nausea bubbling up inside of him, leaving him almost no time before he had to drop to his knees on the grass and start retching onto the ground. He violently coughed, hands clenching in the grass beside him in an effort to find purchase while shivers wracked through his body.

_Ah, how pitiful._

It look a while for him to calm down enough to stand back up on wobbly legs. He’d evened out his breathing but the nausea still swelled every so often. He was constantly having to stop and steady himself against some stranger’s mailbox or a garbage bin that had been left out on the road. But he continued on his walk home none the less. Figuring the slower the better, that way he was less likely to run into his father waiting at the foot of their driveway, or something equally as disconcerting.

He forced himself to be a little more stealthy as his house came into view. He climbed over the side fence and made his way around the back, ducking under any windows as he ran across the width of the backyard. He then made his way around the opposite side of the house, where he knew his bedroom window sat. He scaled the wall with less grace than usual, jumping and pulling himself up onto the overhang as silently as was possible. He breathed a sigh of relief when he found that his window had been left unlocked. Crawling through the open space, he stumbled onto his bedroom floor.

After closing the window, he tiptoed over to his bedroom door and closed that with a soft click. He locked it too, but it didn't make him feel much safer. He went over to the small bookshelf against his bedroom wall and started dragging it against the door. He winced when the floor boards gave way to a loud creak, pausing in his efforts to wait for the telltale sign of someone bounding up the stairs. When nothing came he continued his dragging until the bookshelf was pressed firmly against the locked door. He did the same with his desk for good measure.

_I really hope I wont have to pee tonight_ , he thought.

He distantly remembered his cup of ramen still waiting for him on the kitchen counter. Too late now. Not that it mattered when his appetite had left him the moment he’d made the mistake of lashing out at the only person who could keep their family from being split up.

He crawled into his bed, exhausted and hurting. His wrist was a dull throb, as was his stomach. After lifting his shirt to peer down at the pale skin, he was relieved to find that it wasn't mottled in purple bruising that told the tale of internal bleeding. Only the two reddened lines remained under his bellybutton, but even they had stopped bleeding. His face was another story. The relentless knee to his nose had reopened the the split in his lip and aggravated his nose still sensitive from the run in with Shizuo. He could feel the blood that had dried and crusted under his nostrils and around his mouth.

It could wait until the morning.

He curled in on himself. Reaching out for one of his little sister’s pillows that still sat on his bed, he hugged it to his body, burying his face in the soft warmth as his chest started to seize and his eyes started to water.

It wasn’t fair, it wasn't _fair_.

He hadn't done anything wrong. His father hated him so much, he looked at him like Izaya had made it his personal goal to ruin his life and he had no idea why. He was just a kid, he had broken memories of his father’s sneer as soon as he had started to walk and talk. He’d probably decided he hated him from the moment he left his mother’s womb and it only made Izaya want to cry harder.

Sure, plenty of people had reason to hate him now. He was vindictive and self-centred and thoroughly fucked up. He knew that. But his father hadn’t seen him in years, his only memory of the man from after he left being the day he dropped his mother home from spending the evening together six or so years ago, and the day he left Kyouko crying into the phone after realising she was pregnant once again. This time with two beautiful twin girls.

Maybe if he’d been a better son, worked harder in school, done more for their household. Maybe his mother wouldn't have been under so much pressure, raising three children on her own. Maybe she wouldn't have gotten so sick.

Maybe if he’d been a better child, kept his mouth shut and his head down low, his father might have not have been driven to hate him so much. He might not have left them.

Maybe if he’d succeeded in what he tried so many years ago, everyone would be better off.

Maybe it _was_ all his fault.

_This is so unfair_

Face and heart throbbing with pain, Izaya eventually fell into a feverish, restless sleep, where the tears still soaked into the pillow pressed close to his face.

He dreamt of muffled words being yelled in his face, heart jumping into his throat. Of his mother’s wailing apologies. He dreamt the hard wood of a school desk being pressed against his back, vision fuzzy and limbs weak. Unable to fend off the cold hands roaming across his now tainted skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If Izaya's dream sequences are confusing you, don't worry. They're not random but relevant to the plot and will be explained later on when we get to look into Izaya's childhood. The same probably goes for anything else that is confusing. I'm just really bad at foreshadowing XD


	9. I'll be okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I woke up feeling okay_
> 
> _I know that feeling won't stay_
> 
> _But maybe just today_
> 
> _I'll feel okay_
> 
> _My thoughts will all go away_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be okay - Gin$eng f.t Velvetears

The sun shone through the bedroom window and onto Izaya’s face. He welcomed it’s warmth after shaking from the cold all night, unable to muster the energy to change into something warmer, only to curl in on himself a little tighter. 

His face still throbbed in something close to agony. It had only assisted his insomnia in keeping him awake for most of the night. Even if he knew sleep would not come to him, the temptation to stay holed up under the covers of his bed for the rest of ~~his life~~ the day was still there.

Alas, his bladder had other ideas. Though he had been able to ignore it for most of the night, it was getting to the point where he was worried he’d to irreparable damage to his kidneys if he held on any longer. So he stepped out of bed and started on rearranging the furniture he’d so hastily shoved against his door last night. It was an exhausting task for his still lethargic limbs but he eventually managed, only sparing a quick glance out the door and into the hallway before he tiptoeing to the bathroom.

After relieving himself, Izaya took the chance to study his appearance in the bathroom mirror. It was appalling to say the least. After cleaning it of the dried blood, he found that around his nose was more bruised than it had ever been — he really hoped it wasn't broken — and whatever swelling had gone down on his lip the day before was all in vain, as the skin had immediately swelled again after the wound was reopened. And _fuck_ did it hurt. The dark circles under his eyes certainly didn't help his already mottled visage either.

Izaya knew he couldn't prolong the inevitable any longer, so he ducked into his room to grab an oversized hoodie before making his way downstairs. The scent of freshly brewed coffee immediately invaded his senses, making his mouth water before he’d even stepped foot in the kitchen. Once he had however, the coffee didn't seem nearly as appetising. There his father sat at the dining table, newspaper in one hand and a mug of coffee in the other. Izaya froze as soon as those haematic eyes locked onto his own. 

“Morning.” 

Izaya’s eyes widened at the nonchalant response, floored at the impeccability of his father’s calm facade.

“M-morning.” He stuttered, too confused and unsettled to focus on anything other than breathing. Shirou just looked back down at the newspaper in his grasp, taking a sip from his mug. When Izaya still stood staring, Shirou lowered the paper and looked at Izaya with a raised eyebrow. Izaya quickly averted his gaze and flinched at his father’s short chuckle.

“Grab a cup of coffee and sit down. We need to have a talk.” The man spoke, expression one of concern? Exasperation? It was hard to tell but Izaya obeyed regardless, taking more time than was necessary pouring his coffee. He brought it over to the table, placing the steaming cup on its surface before taking a seat himself.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, Shirou reading the paper whilst Izaya busied himself by taking small sips of the scalding liquid. When he had finally turned the last page, throwing the paper onto the table, Izaya stiffened under his gaze.

Shirou sighed. “Look, i’m sorry if I scared you last night.”

Izaya’s eyes widened once again into his cup of coffee, he’d expected anything but this.

“I’ll admit that a lost a bit of control and overreacted. But that’s what happens when you pull a knife on someone, son. You have to be prepared to defend yourself. Kill or be killed.” His father’s stare was cold as he spoke. 

“So let’s agree now, hm? You follow my rules, tell me where your going and when and we won't have any more problems. Sound good?”

Izaya had never been so grateful. It sounded like his father wanted to brush this little incident under the carpet and he was only so glad. Shirou was right, Izaya had been the one to pull the knife for no real reason. He’d put himself and maybe even his sisters in danger and he regretted it immensely. 

It didn't matter that he’d had good reason to be afraid of the man, or that he knew it wasn't something that _should_ be brushed under the carpet. There was not much Izaya wouldn't do to keep his sisters safe and together. That included squashing his ego down in the presence of this man and acting the part of an obedient, appreciative child. He could push everything that had happened so far to the back of his mind for now. The past sixteen years of his life could be stuffed back into that box, this time with stronger nails and thicker chains to hold everything in. If it was what he had to do…

 

_But you know what he’s capable of now,_ his subconscious was whispering in his ear.

_Its doesn't matter if you bend to his will, you’ll never really be safe._

 

It’s okay, he could suppress that too. Ignore it. Ignore it. Ignore it. Do the right thing for his family, even if it made his stomach clench on discomfort.

 

_I don't wanna think about that…_

 

“Yeah, that sounds good.” He looked back up at his father, a small timid smile on his face. It was what he wanted to see, he wanted to know he had the raven under his spell and Izaya was happy to act the part. _I’m not really afraid of him,_ he thought. _I’m not._

Shirou gave his own small smile back, and Izaya was shocked at how genuine it looked. “You’ve always been a smart kid, Izaya. I knew you'd come ‘round.”

Izaya huffed a fake laugh into his mug, bringing the rim to his lips for another sip, he was feeling a little unsettled at the very least.

“So, lets start with today, shall we? Are you heading off anywhere I should know about?”

Izaya put the cup back down, keeping his hands wrapped ‘round it in an effort to keep them warm. “I’m going to pick up the girls from their friend’s house later on and I was thinking of going to see a friend and maybe doing some grocery shopping in the meantime.” He spoke softly, his voice small.

Shirou nodded his head slowly, a thoughtful look on his face. “Okay.” He suddenly spoke. “Just make sure you’re back before dark.” Shirou chuckled at Izaya’s troubled expression. “See that wasn't so hard now, was it?”

Izaya shook his head, no. 

They sat drinking the rest of their coffees in silence. Izaya standing from the table once he had finished his. He rinsed out the cup and placed it in the dishwasher. Before he could walk far enough to make it up the stairs and get ready to go out, his father called his name and beckoned him back over to the table.

“Is your stomach okay?” 

Izaya’s brows drew together in confusion at the strange question, to which Shirou just rolled his eyes.

“I’m asking if I got your stomach with the knife yesterday.” He spoke, and amused expression on his face.

“Um, yeah i think so. But it’s fine, it’s not very bad.” Izaya spoke warily, disturbed by the man’s sudden act of ‘concern’. Izaya certainly hadn't shown any when he knew he’d probably done more damage with the knife to Shirou’s leg and chest.

“Show me.”

Izaya couldn't escape his father’s stern gaze, daring him to do the opposite. He lifted his shirt and jumper to just above his bellybutton, leaving the thin, vermillion lines to his scrutiny. Shirou brought out his hand to the bare skin of Izaya’s lower stomach, brushing his thumb over the red and irritated skin surrounding the dried cuts. Izaya flinched as though he’d been burnt by the touch, his stomach muscles tensed and he fought the urge to grab that wrist and bend it ‘till it snapped.

“You’re right, it’s not that bad.” 

Luckily the soft caress stopped soon after and Izaya could lower his jumper back into place. When Shirou turned his attention back to the paper and coffee on the table, Izaya took that as his chance to leave. He made his way up the stairs and into the bathroom. It didn't matter how much he scrubbed in the shower or how hot the water was, he couldn't get rid of that uncomfortable feeling brought on by someone touching him like that, brought on by just being in that man’s presence.

After changing into some new clothes — a pair of black skinny jeans and a long black shirt, doubled with his thick, navy winter coat — Izaya made his way back downstairs. He was at the door when he heard his name being called. He stiffened on instinct, but his father just came to stand before the raven, holding out a couple of notes in his direction. He stared with wide eyes at the two ten thousand yen notes being offered to him.

“For groceries.” Shirou elaborated. Izaya slowly took the money from his father’s hand.

“This… is more than enough.” There was no way he could spend twenty thousand yen on groceries if he tried. He’d been so used to spending the bare minimum on food that being handed a couple weeks worth of work for him just like that seemed almost ridiculous.

But Shirou just shrugged indifference. “Buy something special for you and the girl’s. I don't know, do whatever you want with it.” He walked away, dismissing Izaya with the wave of a hand.

Well he wouldn't complain, even if he did feel uncomfortable spending the money, like he was somehow leaving himself in debt to the man. He left without another word, closing the door behind himself. As he started down the path and away from his house, he pulled the phone from his pocket and sent a quick text to Shinra, hoping he was sat at home doing nothing like most people on a sunday morning.

[10:31] Izaya: **_Hey, are you at home?_**

The phone buzzed in response barely a minute after Izaya had placed it back in his pocket.

[10:32] Shinra: **_Yep! Why? Are you coming over?_**

[10:32] Izaya: **_Yeah, just for a bit if that’s okay._**

[10:32] Shinra: **_Sure! See you soon._**

He continued on his way towards Shinra’s house, mentally bracing himself for the visit. He would not be so happy once Izaya had asked what he needed from him.

 

………………..

 

At hearing the soft knock on his door, Shinra jumped up from his spot on the floor in front of the TV and paused the video game he had been playing. He swung the door open to reveal Izaya’s thin frame hunched in the cold, hands in his pockets.

“Izaya!” Shinra yelled with his hands raised in the air, a testimony to his excitement at having one of his best friends come visit him. Though he quickly dropped them again — along with his smile — at Izaya’s feeble appearance. “You don't look so good, are you okay?”

He huffed a small laugh. “That’s not very nice Shinra, i’m just fine.”

The brunette looked anything but convinced but he motioned the raven inside regardless. “Did you take another trip down the stairs? Your face looks a lot worse.” Izaya just shrugged his jacket and shoes off before flopping down onto the living room couch.

“I ran into a wall.” He sighed. “Made everything worse.”

Shinra winced. “Ouch, does it hurt?”

“It’s excruciating.” Izaya spoke with his eyes closed and his body stretched out along the couch. Shinra sat back down on the ground, his back against the bottom of the couch and resumed playing his video game.

“You’re a lot more clumsy than usual. You need to be more careful, if you hit it again while it’s still healing you could fracture your nose.”

“Mmm.” Izaya just hummed, extending his arms above his head and raising his hips to stretch out his back on the couch. The action caused his shirt to ride up a bit and from the corner of his eye, Shinra caught sight of the crimson lines painted across his lower belly. He reached a hand out to touch while Izaya still had his eyes closed, but as soon as the warm skin came into contact with his own, Izaya violently flinched.

“Hey!” The raven immediately shot up, trying to pull his shirt back down over his stomach. Shinra pushed him back down with a hand to his chest, a hand that kept Izaya’s shirt clenched in its fist so the brunette could further study the two long but shallow cuts.

“What happened, Izaya?” Shinra deadpanned, his frown as cold as his gaze. It made Izaya shift uncomfortably.

“I scraped it against something on accident.” The raven mumbled, his eyes narrowing at Shinra’s disbelieving scoff.

“You used to be good at lying, Izaya.” The brunette sighed in exasperation. “Fine. Don't tell me. But at least let me treat it so it doesn't get infected.” Shinra left the room for a moment, before returning with a small case filled with medical supplies. Izaya stayed lying on the couch dejectedly, there was no use arguing with Shinra when he was in his ‘doctor’ mode. The brunette first started cleaning the wound with a small cotton ball doused in rubbing alcohol. Izaya winced, even though the cuts had started of scab over, the alcohol still stung. Though it was soon soothed with a cool topical cream that he spread over the cuts. Shinra then finished by covering each slice with a thin piece of gauze, tape around the edges. 

When he was done, the brunette sat back on his heels to admire his handiwork. “They should be fine now but as your current medical professional-” Shinra ignored the roll of Izaya’s yes at that. “-I must advise against taking any further part in… knife fights. And as your friend… I wish you would take better care of yourself.” Shinra gave a soft smile, pulling Izaya’s shirt back down. 

Izaya smiled back, though a little strained. “…I’ll try.”

They spent the next hour or so alternating between different video games. When Izaya proved to be too good a competitor at Mario Kart, they switched over to a zombie survival game. When Izaya got too frustrated at constantly having to revive the brunette, they then moved on to play a ping-pong match on wii sports. 

“Man, its no fun playing these games with you, your too good!” Shinra whined from his spot on the ground. 

Izaya laughed in amusement from his own spot on the couch. “Flattery will get you everywhere with me, Shinra.” He set down the controller to check the time on his phone, noting he'd have to do his grocery shopping soon if he wanted to get the girl’s on time. 

“I have to go now, but I wanted to ask you for something before I left.” Shinra looked back up at the ravens soft voice. Izaya sat hunched over staring into his lap, Shinra could see him pinching the skin of his hand in what he assumed was a nervous habit. 

“Of course, what is it?”

Izaya sighed. “Look, I know you have, well technically your dad has access to a wide array of prescription medications-”

Shinra didn't like where this was going.

“-and I wouldn't ask if I didn't think it was necessary and I don't really feel comfortable going to a doctor. I’m not one to ask for something like this anyway, I detest the idea of relying on drugs but i-”

He was rambling now so Shinra decided to cut him off. 

“Izaya. What’s wrong?”

The raven sighed. “I haven't been able to sleep well lately. I can barely sleep at all actually, it takes me forever and i keep waking up every hour or so and whatever sleep I do get, it’s always filled with nightmares that make me want be awake.” It all came out of him in a rush. “It’s driving me insane and i was wondering if you could give me something to help.”

Shinra listened carefully, nodded his head with narrowed brows. “How long has this been going on for?”

Izaya looked away from his lap and into a distant part of the room. Shinra was honestly more worried by this shy, nervous, out-of-character behaviour than anything.

“A couple of months but it’s gotten worse this past week or so.”

Shinra hummed, looking extremely dubious. “I don't know, Izaya. I don't like prescribing people drugs when I’m not exactly qualified. Especially to my friends.”

Izaya finally locked eyes with the brunette and Shinra was only now starting to take in his truly exhausted appearance. The deep purple under his eyes, making it hard to discern from the rest of his mottled face, what was bruising and what was a sign of many sleepless nights. The hunch of his shoulders, like he couldn't hold his own feathery wait — that was also on the low side for someone his age — it all made him seem so much smaller than usual. That haughty, eccentric boy Shinra had grown to know was almost nowhere to be found. Though some pieces of his personality still remained, the past month or so had definitely taken its toll on Izaya’s already fragile mind.

“Please.” He asked and Shinra’s eyes widened in shock. “I just need a good night’s sleep, please Shinra.” He’d never heard Izaya beg for anything, he was too proud. If this was what he’d been reduced to, he probably need it more than Shinra could ever know.

“Okay, just… wait here.” Izaya’s whole body seemed to deflate and relax back into the couch at those words. Shinra left the room once again, snatching the hidden key to their extensive medical cabinet and raking his eyes over its shelves. He returned after a minute or so with a small orange bottle in hand. He held it up next to himself, giving it a little shake.

“This is Eszopiclone or ‘Lunesta’.” The brunette spoke, using his fingers to replicate the quotation marks. “It is a sedative-hypnotic commonly used to treat sleep disorders, such as insomnia. It is intended for short-term use only as it has a high potential for abuse and an addiction to it can develop quickly if it is used incorrectly.” He prattled on with the ease of a trained professional, a walking textbook of information regarding the medical field. “You are to take _one_ at night before you go to sleep. _ONE_ only, Izaya. No more. Do you understand?”

Izaya nodded his head quickly, eager to be done with the conversation. Shinra warily handed over the bottle with an expression akin to one of extreme pain or discomfort. “It should help a bit with the pain as well.” He spoke, gesturing to Izaya’s face. “There’s enough there for one week. If you start having any side effects make sure you tell me.” He said

“I will.” Izaya replied. “I promise.”

“Izaya… you can tell me if something is wrong, like at home or something. That’s what friends do.” The brunette spoke softly, a small smile at his lips.

“Thanks, but everything is fine. A little chaotic, but nothing I can’t handle.” The raven tried to reassure him but Shinra could still see the set of strain across his shoulders.

“Okay, just make sure you don't push yourself to hard and don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it.”

Izaya huffed a small laugh, standing up from the couch and getting ready to leave. “I’ll be okay.”

 

_I’ll be okay…_

 

……………….

 

Sunday night was family movie night in Shizuo’s house. Every week they would unanimously vote on a movie to watch, stock up on a shit load of snacks and spend the evening on the couch together. It was something Shizuo looked forward to every week, especially when his mother would hand _him_ five thousand yen and tell him to go ham with it down at the grocery store. Which was where Shizuo stood now. In-between the chip isle with a basket filled to the brim with lollies, chocolate, Doritos and other various snack related things. He’d always made an effort to spread that five thousand yen over as much stuff as he possibly could.

It was after he had ventured into the cereal isle, grabbing a box of home brand cocoa pops to snack on — why not? — that he felt a familiar presence, along with a it’s familiar smell. It was instinct that made the hairs on the back of his neck stand to attention and a shiver rip down his spine. Although it didn't come with the usual swell of anger he had grown so accustomed to, more like a bout of unease and nervousness, maybe a little paranoia too. 

He turned around to find the flea stood next to a trolley, browsing the different types of cereal adorning the shelves. The trolley was pretty much empty, aside from a bunch of vegetables and a packet of ramen. Shizuo probably should have said something to make himself known instead of just standing there staring like some sort of creep, because when he obviously felt someone’s eyes on him, Izaya looked up to see Shizuo staring at him. He must have been the last person the raven was expecting to see because he jumped a little, dropping the box of cornflakes in his hands.

“Shi-Shizu-chan?” He stuttered, bending over to pick up the box.

“Uh, hi.” Shizuo silently berated himself for sounding like an idiot.

“What are you doing here?” Izaya spoke, eyes darting around the shop as though he was paranoid someone would sneak up on them.

Shizuo lifted an eyebrow at the strange behaviour. “I’m… shopping, like you?” He said.

“Oh.” Izaya seemed to calm down after that, deeming he wasn't in danger of anyone else sneaking up on him. Now that he was facing him, Shizuo was able to study the raven’s demeanour that almost screamed exhaustion. His face looked worse too, like someone had clocked him right in the nose between the last time they’d seen each other and now.

“What’s wrong with your face?”

Izaya’s expression was shocked at first but it then quickly twisted into one of complete incredulity. He grabbed his trolley and walked straight past the blonde, all the while fixing him with a firm glare. Shizuo mentally slapped himself for once again speaking like an idiot. He rushed after the raven.

“Wait! I didn't mean it like that. I just meant the bruising looked a little worse than yesterday.” He quickly spoke, matching Izaya’s long strides with his own. The raven slowed to a stop.

“I ran into a wall.”

Shizuo scoffed. “Yeah, as if i’m gonna believe that.”

“Well then it’s a good thing I don't care what you believe.” Izaya’s voice was cold and taut, his glare unfaltering. Shizuo just sighed, looking down into the raven’s trolley. Then—

“You really don't know how to shop, do you?”

“Huh?” Izaya looked confused at the abrupt change in topic. Shizuo gestured to his trolley, only filled with weird looking vegetables.

“All you have is these. Do you not know how to shop for food that tastes good?”

Izaya rolled his eyes. “Of course you would say something like that.” He muttered, huffing a laugh after looking at Shizuo’s basket filled with crap. “If you must know, i’ve never had to or been able to shop for anything other than the absolute necessities. And now I have to somehow spend twenty thousand yen in this place.” He sighed like the idea of having that much money to spend on whatever he wanted was nothing but a chore. For him it probably _was._

“That’s awesome.” Shizuo turned an accusing frown down at the raven. “Don’t you dare spend all of that on weird vegetables. That’s a crime to shopping.”

Izaya looked amused at the current conversation. “Oh, and I suppose you’re some kind of a professional shopper, are you?”

“No… but I know how to buy what tastes good.”

“Well, I guess that would be helpful in shopping for my little sisters, you do have the taste of a child anyway.” Izaya suddenly looked up at Shizuo, a big grin on his face. “Okay, help me shop then, Shizu-chan. Spend this twenty thousand yen however you would yourself.”

Shizuo’s eyebrow’s drew up on surprise. _What a strange request…_ “Okay, i guess I can do that. For the sake of your sisters at least.” He spoke with feigned disinterest, but it was hard to hold back the smile. It sounded like Izaya was making up an excuse to spend time with Shizuo, and a fairly far fetched one at that. It was strange to say the least but definitely a step forward in their… relationship? _Ah, Whatever._

“First things first, you need these.” Shizuo picked up another box of cocoa pops and added them to Izaya’s cart, who wore a distasteful frown.

“Those are just sugar, their teeth will rot.”

Shizuo rolled his eyes. “Not if it’s a special occasion thing.” He insisted, picking up a box of cornflakes and weetbix to add as well. “There, they can have those for a healthier breakfast.” Shizuo took the lead in walking out of their current isle and into the next, Izaya following close behind. In the cart he placed a packet of bacon, a box of eggs, bread, butter, sausages and sauce. “Everything you need for a cooked breakfast.” He insisted. Izaya was astounded at all the food people were ‘supposed’ to have in their kitchen. It really only made him feel more guilty than he already did for withholding so much from his little sisters all this time. For so little they’d had _all_ their life. He could only hope they wouldn't resent him once they were older.

Shizuo left for a moment and came back with a hand full of pancake mixes, explaining that all you had to do for these was add water and shake the bottle so it was quicker and easier than starting from scratch. He spent the next hour dragging Izaya through every corner of the shop, piling different foods into the cart and providing his extensive knowledge on them. He told him what tasted good with what, if you have to keep it in the fridge and how long it lasted. By the time they rocked up to the self-serve checkout and scanned every item, Shizuo was sure they’d be well over his budget. He was wrong, the total came to a close nineteen thousand, eight hundred yen. Izaya quickly grabbed a packet of gum at the checkout for two hundred yen so he could insert both notes into the machine and be done with it.

Shizuo payed for his own purchases in the meantime. It was after Izaya had bagged everything that Shizuo realised their mistake. Izaya had too, if the way he was staring at the bags with a blank expression was anything to go by. Shizuo watched him start to grab multiple bags in each hand, struggling to lift them all at the same time. He watched the raven’s fingers turn red then purple almost immediately under the weight and Shizuo had an overwhelming fear that they would fall off. He rushed over to Izaya’s side and started picking up each bag.

“What are you doing Shizu-chan?” The raven asked in what sounded like exasperation.

“Helping you, what does it look like.” He had already grabbed three bags in each hand — including the two of his own— of which he barely felt the weight.

“You don't need to do that.”

Shizuo wanted to argue with a snide comeback, something to get it into the flea’s thick head that he didn't have to do everything alone.“I know, but I want to.” Was what he settled on instead.

“No, you don't. I have to walk all the way to pick pick up my sisters from their friends house and then walk back home after. So, no. You _really_ don’t.” Izaya argued anyway.

Shizuo frowned. “You have no clue what I want.”

Izaya narrowed his eyes, picking up the last two bags in one hand. “You’re right, i don’t.” He muttered under his breath, so quietly that Shizuo thought it wasn't for him at all. “Fine, lets go then.” He said instead, this time loud enough for the blonde to hear.

They walked out of the store and Izaya lead the way to their next destination. Shizuo followed along quietly, thinking he should probably be at least a little bit concerned that this was now the fourth day in a row that he was walking Izaya home, and of his own will at that. He could very well of left him. If he hadn't offered his help he’d be on his way home right now, where he could be lazing in bed or in front of the TV or even spending time with his family. It didn't even bother him in the slightest that he was in the last place he wanted to be — or so he kept telling himself. The flea’s presence just didn't seem to bother him as much anymore, he’d even found it to be enjoyable at times and that was perhaps the most disturbing thing of all. 

Shizuo couldn't say how long they’d been walking because he had been lost in thought for the most of it, staring at the ground as they walked, watching Izaya’s scuffed, black boots move in time with his own. When they finally stopped, it was in front of a quaint little house. Izaya walked up to the front door and knocked a couple of times, stepping back and away from the door almost immediately.

“Beware, they have a dog.” He explained. Shizuo frowned in confusion. _He didn't like dogs? Who doesn't like dogs!_ The flea, apparently. Another thing Shizuo would never understand about Izaya. The door swung open to reveal the two little girls Shizuo had previously met. Mairu and Kururi, if he remembered correctly. Which one was which, he couldn’t tell you.

“Iza-nii!” The one with a long braid — _Mairu?_ — yelled. “And Shizu-nii too!” The little girl’s eyes lit up at the sight of her two ‘big brothers’, as did the girl behind her. Shizuo heard them call back inside, saying goodbye to their friends while Izaya spoke to the woman who had made her way over to the front door. 

“Izaya, honey. Thank you for bringing the girls over, we all had a blast.” She spoke with a bright grin stretching her face.

“Thank you for having them. I hope they weren't too much of a bother.” Izaya politely smiled back before the woman caught sight of Shizuo. 

“Oh, and who might this be?” She spoke with the same smile directed towards the blonde. He stiffened under her gaze. What the hell was he supposed to say? _‘Oh, i’m Izaya’s mortal enemy. But don't worry, we’re not trying to kill each other for the moment so i’m here to help pick up his little sisters instead!’_

“Um, we… go to the same school” was all he could offer. 

She seemed to be satisfied, however. “Oh, how sweet-”

She was suddenly cut off by the loud bark of a dog coming from inside the house. Shizuo did not miss the way Izaya stiffened at the sound.

“Quickly girls, come on now, we’re going, let’s go. Izaya blurted out in a rush, ushering the girls out of the doorway and down the driveway of the house. Shizuo quickly followed after him, confused and amused at the raven’s frazzled state. He threw a hand over his shoulder to wave the woman goodbye. She waved back, smiling at them both, before closing the door. Only then did Izaya seem to relax.

“You don't need to be so scared of Nelly, Iza-nii. She’s a good dog and she won’t hurt you.” Mairu spoke to her brother, following him along the sidewalk.

_He’s scared of them? That’s kind of funny._

“You’re scared of dogs?” Shizuo spoke once he had caught up to the raven, an amused expression covering his face.

“Shut up, Shizu-chan.” He immediately fired back. “If you breathe a word to anyone, i’ll castrate you in your sleep.”

Shizuo almost tripped over his feet. “Jeez, okay. My lips are sealed.” They walked in silence after that, until Mairu decided to break it.

“Shizu-nii, why did you come with Iza-nii to pick us up?” Mairu questioned, her big brown eyes staring up into Shizuo’s own. Unfortunately, he didn't get a chance to respond.

“Shizu-nii is really strong so Iza-nii is using him as his slave to make him carry our stuff around, Mairu.”

Shizuo sent a dark scowl towards the back of Izaya’s head, even if it _did_ go unnoticed.

“Oh wow, Shiuz-nii’s the best!” Shizuo felt his face start to heat up at the little girl’s overt compliment. She skipped over to the blonde and held out her small, pale hand. _Not this again._ He supposed it would be alright so long as it didn't turn into another hand holding train. He shifted all of the plastic bags he was holding into one hand, leaving his left one open for Mairu to grasp. They kept walking and Shizuo watched the shadows stretch and shift in the afternoon light.

The house, familiar to Shizuo by now, soon came into view. The driveway was empty, and Izaya walked its length to the front door, both hands still full with the heavy bags. He paused in front of it and turned to speak to Kururi who had been walking next to him.

“Kururi, can you please hold the-” As he turned to speak to her, he found she had disappeared into the front garden as soon as they had arrived. She sat in a flowerbed, poking a bug she had found, along with her sister. Izaya sighed in exasperation.

“Shizu-chan, can you please get the key from my back pocket?”

Shizuo startled at the call of his name, bringing his attention away from the two little girls sat in the garden and back to their big brother stood waiting at the front door. Once Izaya’s request had registered in his head, he found his gaze slowly drifting down the flea’s back to land on his round, jean clad bum. Shizuo cheeks started to flush a dark shade of crimson. _Is he being serious right now? He could just put the bags down and do it himself!_ When Shizuo made no move to do as Izaya had asked, only to stare at his lower posterior, the flea threw a glance over his shoulder.

“Shizu-chan what are you-” He cut himself off once he realised what Shizuo had been staring at and felt his own cheeks start to heat up. He hadn't thought that the blonde would see it like that. “Ugh, never mind.” He muttered and started to shift the bags in his hand so as to place a few on the ground. Before he could finish however, Shizuo snapped out of his embarrassed daze and rushed forward to help his arch nemesis. _It’s only weird, if you make it weird,_ he thought to himself, quickly lowering his hand to the back of Izaya’s jeans and slipping it inside the pocket. He cursed the rising temperature of his face as his hand brushed the curve of Izaya’s butt, undeniably soft even through the barrier of his jeans. _And now you’ve made it weird…_

As soon as his fingers brushed the cool metal of a key, he pulled it out of the pocket and proceed to push the key into the lock on the front door. It was an effort to quell the shaking of his hands, but once the lock gave way, Shizuo was able to push the door open. Izaya mumbled his thanks with his head hung low and shuffled inside. Since he hadn't been specifically told not to, Shizuo deemed it okay to follow him over the threshold.

The house was spacious, immaculate and modern, the inside almost identical to the set up in a furniture magazine. Though it was bigger than Shizuo’s own, that only made it feel more cold and empty, there was nothing homely about it, in Shizuo’s opinion. Or maybe he simply didn't realise how other people lived, only having ever been in his own house or Shinra’s on occasion, and he certainly wasn't your textbook normal person. Though neither was Izaya, really.

He followed Izaya over to the dining table next to the kitchen and set the bags he was holding down onto it’s surface, only keeping his own two still grasped tight in his right hand. He almost dropped them again at the sound of a high-pitched, piercing scream. Both boy’s attention was brought to the upper level of the house, and after locking a distressed gaze with Shizuo for only a moment, Izaya shot of in the direction of the stairs, Shizuo following immediately after.

“Mairu! Kururi!”

Both girls ran out of their room clutching the purple unicorn that Shizuo and Izaya had both forgotten about until now.

“Iza-nii! Look what was on our bed!” Mairu squealed, jumping up and down with her sister, the toy still pressed between them.

At the bottom of the staircase, both boys sighed in relief.

“Girl’s don't don't scare me like that.” Izaya spoke, clutching his heart. Mairu and Kururi were oblivious to his distress.

“Did you get this for us?” Mairu yelled, stumbling down the stairs with her sister in tow.

Izaya sighed. “Technically, it’s from Shizu-chan.”

Shizuo felt the two little girls wrap their arms around his middle, looking up at him with stars in their eyes. 

“Thank you, Shizu-nii!” They both spoke, one a yell and another a whisper. Shizuo smiled down at them both, his face a little flustered.

“It’s okay.” He said.

They then let go and moved onto their brother, Mairu wrapping her arms around his stomach, while Kururi latched onto a leg. “Thank you, Iza-nii too.” They each spoke, childish grins adorning their faces.

Izaya smiled softy down at them, his eyes filled with a kind of love Shizuo had never seen on him. “Your welcome.” He breathed, ruffling the hair of each twin. They let go of their brother and raced back up the stairs and into their room, to play with their new toy, he assumed. After they left, Shizuo stood awkwardly by the raven, figuring now was the time to take his leave.

“Um, I should probably get going.” He mumbled. Izaya met his gaze and started to shuffle uncomfortably, looking away soon after.

“Yeah, okay… Thanks.” He whispered. “For helping me out. I know it must have been, like the worst thing that’s ever happened to you.” He looked back a the blonde, a small smirk in place.

Shizuo felt a small smile tug at his own lips. “Yeah, well… I’m still alive aren't I? Can’t of been that bad.” He mumbled, walking towards the front door. Izaya opened it for him before he walked out.

“See you tomorrow.” He called, throwing a small wave over his shoulder while ambling down the driveway.

“See you.” Izaya whispered back, barely loud enough for the blonde to hear. Only once Shizuo was on the footpath, walking away from the house, did Izaya close the door behind him.

 

……………

 

Once the latch of the closed door clicked into place, Izaya let the back of his head thump against it.

_What am I doing…_

He was thankful, at the very least that his father hadn't been home, it made letting someone into his house a little easier. For whatever reason he was away, Izaya hoped that against all odds he’d stay there. 

He made a start on dinner in the meantime, anyway. He pulled out some of the day’s purchases that he planned to use, placing them on the counter, and put the rest away in cupboards and the fridge. He started by rolling out some packaged pizza dough — _that exists?_ — into something resembling a base and loaded it with tomato paste, the various ‘weird’ vegetables he had bought and a layer of cheese. He then repeated the process to make a simpler one for his sisters, consisting of ham and and what few vegetables he could sneak in and be covered by the cheese. He placed those in the oven to cook, setting a timer on his phone for when they should be ready.

The rest of the night was spent watching family-friendly movies on TV with his sisters, eating pizza for what might have only been the second or third time of his life, maybe a first for the girls. After the last movie, Izaya ushered his sister’s into starting their nighttime routine; brushing their teeth and changing into pyjamas, before snuggling under the covers of their bed, the purple unicorn stuffed between them. 

After turning of all the lights in the house and locking all of the doors, Izaya got ready for bed himself and retired to his own room. He picked up the small orange bottle he’d left on his bedside table after arriving home. Taking of the lid, he tipped the bottle until one small, circular, blue pill fell into the palm of his hand. He spared no time in studying it any further, just placed it in his mouth before swallowing it down with a glass of water.

He laid his head down on the pillow and covered himself with his blankets, willing his brain to shut down, along with the rest of his body. The lights were off but he could still make out certain shapes in the darkness. His chair in the corner of the room had someone sitting in it… His cupboard doors seemed to move of their own accord and the lumps of his clothes on the floor may as well have been a person crouched low on the ground, hiding, waiting to reach out and grab his ankle at any moments notice. It was better if he kept his eyes closed, so he did.

And he waited…

And waited…

 

But sleep never seemed to come. That wave he longed to have carry him away simply swelled to the shore and brushed by his feet.

It was so infuriating, he could have screamed.

The hours were slowly trudging by and the he could have sworn that bottle by his bedside was pulling him in, dragging him out to the ocean. He knew the contents of that bottle would sweep him up in that wave he so desperately craved. It was getting harder to ignore.

_Shinra would kill you, Shinra would kill you if he knew._

_But he didn't have to…_

What did that four-eyed idiot know anyway, he wasn't really a doctor. Izaya prided himself on being above a flaw as human as addiction. He knew he had nothing to worry, about in that case. What was more dire was that chance that he would fail all his classes in school because he couldn't stay awake for them. Or that he’d drift into a state of insanity brought on by his lack of sleep and kill somebody. _Sorry Shinra, but that’s of much more importance to me than anything you have to say about addiction…_

He reached out in the dark and fumbled for the small bottle. Considering the absolute lack of effects one pill had on him, he’d take two more and be done with it. He tipped the container and three blue pills fell out. _What the hell,_ he thought. _Maybe this way i’ll get lucky and not wake up for a few days._

He brought his cupped hand to his mouth and swallowed down the three small circles, taking a gulp of water from the glass at his bedside to help him. After laying down once again, Izaya found that this time his body felt a little more relaxed, almost to the point at which he couldn't feel his limbs at all. His eyelids grew heavier and he couldn't have fought it even if he wanted to. The wave was too big to go under and too close to run back to shore. It swept over him and pulled his body into its depths. He hadn't slept so well in sixteen years.


	10. Push

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _i don't wanna be alone right now_
> 
> _god i wish it was a little bit later_
> 
> _think i'd rather be asleep right now_
> 
> _dream about some mistake i made_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one is a bit later than usual, I was finding it difficult to write. I love this chapter's song so much, the lyrics are incredible, I had a hard time deciding which ones to feature in the summary.
> 
> Push - Fog Lake

Izaya awoke gasping for breath. He shot upright in his bed, gulping down the cold air of his room like his life depended on it. He choked on an inhale when it came with a wetness in his lungs. The rattle of liquid caught in his throat made him cough and wheeze until his breath came a little more easily.

The first thing he noticed was the cold. The absolute chill of the winter air freezing his body doused in equally ice cold water. He couldn't stop shivering as he looked around his bed that had also been drenched into a sopping wet mess. Everything was saturated. It was then that his gaze came to land on the distraught faces of his two little sisters, standing beside his bed with unshed tears in their eyes and an empty bucket in their hands.

His lungs pulled a sharp intake of breath and his brows dropped into an angle of confusion and concern. “W-wha-“ But before he could stutter another word, the tears of those two little girl’s started to overflow. They both threw themselves at their brother, wailing into his shoulder as they clung for dear life.

“What’s wrong?!” He asked with a little more desperation, panic-stricken and disorientated.

“W- we… We thought-“ Mairu choked on the words, her gasping inhales and sobbing exhales leaving no room for an explanation.

“We thought Iza-nii was dead!” Kururi was able to whimper into her brother’s chest. Her tears pouring silent and sniffly rather than the sobbing mess of her sister. “Iza-nii’s chest was moving but you wouldn't wake up! We yelled and shook you but you didn't move!”

Izaya’s heart clenched painfully hard.

 

_Fuck_

 

A quick glance at the clock by his bedside told him that it was almost nine in the morning. That meant that if his sisters had woken up at their usual time of seven thirty, they had been trying to wake their unconscious brother for more than an hour. He must have been out cold if he slept through his alarms as well as the anguished yells of his sisters.

He wrapped his arms around their shaking shoulders, stroking their hair. “Shh, it’s okay. Iza-nii is okay, see? I was just a bit sick so I couldn't wake up, but I’m all better now.” He tried to comfort them until their breathing started to slow. “I’m so sorry.” He whispered.

“It’s okay.” Mairu eventually mumbled back, when both of their tear streaked and snot covered faces were no longer gasping for breath. 

“You girls go and get ready for school now, okay? Iza-nii needs a hot shower.”

“But we’re already late!” Mairu whimpered again.

“I know. Don't worry about it, okay? I’ll send you with a note. Now quick, go get ready.” He spoke softly, shooing them off to their room so he could get ready himself. He jumped into the shower almost immediately, hoping to wash away the chill in his bones as well as clear his mind of the cloudy fog that had settled over it.

He’d slept through the night, which was a miracle in itself, but he didn't feel well-rested at all. His eyelids felt like lead, too heavy to hold. He was putting all of his effort into keeping them open and his body upright. Even as he made his way down the stairs, clothed in his rumpled school uniform he still felt in danger of passing out at any moment. To his great relief, Shirou never came home that night. It made getting ready a little easier. He downed an entire cup of coffee at the sink, refilling it at the last drop so he could drink it again, this time a little more slowly. He packed his school bag until the toaster popped out the two pieces of bread he’d put in, buttering them before carrying them over two his two sisters making their way down the stairs.

“Open.” He ordered.

They opened their mouths obediently and he placed a square of toast into each. It seems as though he would have to forgo breakfast himself, only sparing enough time to finish his coffee before refilling it a third time into a paper travel cup that he could drink on his way to school. He knew he wasn't being smart. He was perfectly aware of the consequences of taking a shit load of drugs and warding of the after effects with a shit load of caffeine. 

He wasn't an idiot, he was just desperate.

He had just enough time to write out a note explaining the twins tardiness as a family emergency and signing it in the name of his father, before dashing out the door. It was a short walk to their school, he dropped them out the front of the institution and waited till they had entered the building, after which he took off himself. He ran to the school, all the while gulping down mouthfuls of his coffee — which wasn't easy, mind you — until the gates came into view. He slipped inside the building, dropping his empty paper cup into a bin at the door, and was able to discreetly join the mass of people pouring out of his classroom.

“Izaya!”

Izaya jumped at the call of his voice. The drowsy haze had lifted from his mind after the run to school, but now he just felt jittery, like all of his nerves were sending messages to his brain a little faster than usual.

Izaya turned to find Shinra manoeuvring his way through the crowd of their class, Shizuo and Kadota lagging behind him.

“Where were you this morning?” The brunette asked, an inquisitive expression gracing his features.

“I slept in a bit late.” Izaya spoke, scratching the back of his neck in a sheepish manner.

Shinra’s eyes immediately darkened. “Izaya…”

Izaya just waved a hand to dismiss the brunette’s obvious concern, trying to deem it irrational. “I’m fine. I was just really tired last night.” He promised. “Where are we going, anyway?” He asked in an attempt to change the subject. Whether Shinra was convinced or not, he let the topic go.

“P.E.” The brunette chirped. “I think we’re doing running.”

“Oh.” Izaya had completely forgotten, but he wasn't going to complain. Running was the perfect way to rid himself of the weird, nervous energy that had built up in place of the extreme drowsiness he had been experiencing really only minutes before. They followed the rest of their class down to the school locker rooms, boys and girls separating to enter through their respective doors. Izaya stopped in front of his locker to fiddle with the combination, while Shinra did the same to his own locker beside him.

When the the lock gave way and he was able to open the small door, he started to strip. He placed his folded jacket into the locker, followed by his shirt after stripping it over his head, careful to keep it clear of his still healing face. It was while he was busy pulling the cotton T-shirt of his P.E. uniform from his locker that he noticed Shinra’s gaze locked onto his bare stomach, probably studying the effects his medical intervention had on the healing of the cuts. Izaya quickly slipped the shirt over his head, blocking the brunette’s view. Shinra looked away to focus on undressing himself while Izaya slipped off his shoes and worked the buckle of his belt and the button of his jeans open, sliding them off his legs to replace them with a pair of cotton sport shorts and running shoes

Once everyone was dressed, the class slowly started to file outside and onto the grassy sports field. The sun was glaring bright onto the green expanse of land, making the temperature bearable for a mid winter’s day, even dressed in the minimal coverage of their uniform.

“Alright everyone, gather ‘round.” The teacher’s voice boomed over the crowd of students, he stood waving his arms as to gesture everyone closer together. “Today we will be focusing on sprints; short distance and long distance. We will start of by doing a lap of jogging around the entire oval, i’d like everyone to participate to the best of their ability. I’ll give you a few minutes to start stretching now.”

Izaya followed the teachers directions, along with the rest of the class. He leant down to touch his toes, holding the pose until he could feel the burn of his muscles being pulled into a stretch. He did the same to his arms, pulling them across each shoulder and behind his head. Everyone was caught up in doing their own series of stretches individually. It was while he was bent over with his legs apart, hands stretching to touch each foot and then the middle space in between his legs, that he felt someone’s eyes on him. He bent down a little further, stretching out the back of his thighs and calves far beyond comfort, until he could look upside down through the gap of his legs and catch the gaze of whoever was staring at him.

His eyes widened on surprise when the face he caught was Shizu-chan’s, and his attention was locked onto Izaya’s rear end currently perched in the air. The blood rushed to his face, from his upended position or from the embarrassment he wasn't sure, but he immediately brought himself upright and twisted his torso to direct a threatening glare back towards the blonde. By the time he had turned, Shizuo was already looking away from the raven, his focus on stretching an arm over his head. Izaya huffed in petulance, disappointed that he didn't get to let the brute know he’d been caught in the act of checking out his enemies butt.

“Alright, off you go! One lap!” The teacher yelled over the chatter of students and pointed in the direction of the rounded field. Everyone unenthusiastically broke into a light jog, starting on the lined path around the edge of the oval. Izaya started off at the tail end of the group, letting his feet carry him in a familiar forward motion. But soon that wasn't enough. Once Shinra beside him had started to lag behind and Izaya felt his feet long to further their strides, he told the other as much.

“Hey, i’m going to the front.” He panted. Shinra tried to respond but it merely came out in a wheeze so he just nodded his head in understanding while the brunette’s body slowed to fall behind the back of the group where the unfit students dragged their hurting limbs in an effort to keep up with the others. Izaya did the opposite. He let his body go until his legs spread in strides so long and fast they were almost leaps, and his arms swung in time with his lower body to urge him forward. In no time at all he had surpassed the group of students to find himself at the front, where the athletically skilled people resided. Izaya pushed himself even further, he was feeling better than he had in a while. He felt upbeat and well-rested, like all of his energy had made a comeback in the last hour or so.

He kept running until he was panting for breath. Running always made him feel alive, it was so easy to imagine the thumping footfalls of Shizuo right at his heels. Chasing him out of the school, chasing him out of whatever thoughts or feelings remained in his head other than the rush of pure adrenaline. He hadn't realised that he was now ahead of everyone else, that he was leading the group to the imagined finish line along with someone else at his side, matching his strides with their own. Even with a quick glance to his side, that blonde mop of hair was hard to mistake for anyone other than Shizuo’s.

Shizuo was looking straight ahead, taking even breaths with the ease of a professional sprinter. Izaya had always been of a competitive nature, always took everything as a personal challenge. So it should have come as no surprise to Shizuo when the raven put his head down and forced his body to move faster, forced his lungs to work a little harder until he was moving past the other, leaving Shizuo to huff frustration at his heels.

But his personal victory was short-lived, because Shizuo was speeding up again, his feet were hitting the ground a little harder and Izaya could almost feel him breathing down his neck, could feel that presence looming closer until it sent shivers down his spine. They were both ahead of the rest of the class by many meters now. The end of their track was coming closer and it was a constant struggle of power for Izaya, pushing himself just that little bit further only to have Shizuo match it with equal ferocity. He turned his sure to be frustrated expression towards the blonde, his eyebrows pinched on effort and his mouth pulled down into a scowl of mild annoyance. Shizuo caught his gaze, but he wasn't frowning, he wasn't glaring Izaya down with the threatening aura that always came so naturally to the blonde. He was smiling, grinning. White pearly teeth bared to the cool air, eyes bright on adrenaline and unruly bleached blonde locks whipping about in the wind.

_Handsome. Gorgeous. God-like._

His thoughts were spiralling in disconcerting directions, but he pushed them back into the dark, dusty corners of his mind, where such ideas would go unseen and unheard. What he couldn't help was the stretch of his lips that overcame his own face. Shizuo’s smile felt contagious, Izaya couldn't stop the rush of adrenaline that came with letting his features morph into excitement, into something that reflected the fun he was having racing Shizuo stride for stride. 

But Izaya had always been faster, lighter on his feet. That was why Shizuo had never managed to catch him in any one of their chases. Even without the obstacles Izaya always used to his advantage, the rooftops and wire fences that tested his parkour and only ever used to slow Shizuo down, he knew he could still beat him. He could still push himself beyond what he imagined his limits to be, it was something he prided himself on. His lack of self-preservation skills were a double edged sword, though they enabled him to surpass the skills of many others, he also knew they would be his demise. Shinra was right, he didn't know when to stop pushing himself and he didn't know when to ask for help. But that wasn't important right now, when the imaginary finish line was in sight. What was important was the last burst of energy that shot through his body and enabled him to gain a few steps in front of Shizuo. 

The teacher had to move out of the way at the last minute to dodge the incoming missiles of his apparently two fastest students. Izaya dashed past the teacher with a breath of space between him and the blonde. Deeming him the finish line to their impromptu race, he started to slow down. It took a good few meters more for him to let his body comfortably descend into a jog and then a walk. He stood with his hands on his hips and panting for breath. He then turned back towards Shizuo who stood behind him, bent over with hands on his knees and gasping rough inhales of air.

“I won, Shizu-chan.” He spoke with as much energy as he could manage while his lungs still worked on replenishing his body with the oxygen he was lacking.

Shizuo huffed a small laugh. “Congratulations.” He managed between heaving breaths, finally giving up on the support of his feet as he dropped to the ground, his butt landing on the soft of the grass. 

Izaya watched the conglomerate of his classmates still making their way around the last part of the track. He looked back down at Shizuo sprawled on the grass and held out his hand, hoping that everyone was too far away and too distracted to pay attention to anything happening where they were currently stopped. Shizuo squinted up at Izaya, the sun straining his eyes and slowly lifted his own hand to the other, as if he was waiting for Izaya to pull away at any second and leave Shizuo hanging on some cruel joke. But their hands met, Shizuo’s clasped firmly over Izaya’s smaller and paler one. He put what little weight he had in his back legs and pulled on Shizuo’s grasp, leaning back to balance the pull of his weight. Shizuo came up off the ground in a smooth, easy motion. Izaya assumed it was the blonde’s effort rather than his own that brought ease to the gesture.

“Thanks.” He grunted once he’d been brought to his feet with Izaya’s assistance. They walked back over to where the teacher stood watching the other students that were now approaching the end of their jog. Some of the athletic enthusiasts jogging at the front of the group sent dark glares their way as they passed them by, slowing to a stop a little bit ahead of them. The middle of the group came with Kadota slowing to a stop next to Shizuo, still panting hot gusts of steam into the cool air. Izaya had to wait a little bit longer until the tail-end of the group came past and brought Shinra with them. He watched the athletically deprived losers stumble past their little group until Shinra dropped to his knees and then to his face to lay flat in front of them. 

“How pitiful.” He sighed in mock sympathy, using his sneaker clad foot to roll the brunette onto his back. Shinra’s face was tomato red, his mouth parted on heavy gulps of air.

“Help… Me.” He wheezed, his limbs frozen and sprawled around his unresponsive body.

“You’re far beyond my help.” Izaya drawled, only leaning down to run his hand over either side of Shinra’s shorts, once he noticed the brunette’s pathetic attempt at moving his arm closer to his pocket, only to flop against the ground before he could make it. Izaya stopped on the side that held the bumpy outline of his inhaler and reached into Shinra’s pocket to pull it out. He pulled off the cap and shook it a couple of times before placing it against Shinra’s mouth, pressing down on the button to pump the Ventolin into his friend’s mouth. Shinra inhaled the medicated gas, taking long, deep breaths to bring it down into his lungs. Izaya repeated the process another time and then drew the device away from Shinra’s mouth, capping it and depositing it back into the pocket of the other’s sport shorts.

“I didn't know he was asthmatic.” Shizuo mumbled from beside Izaya, while Shinra had steadied his breathing enough to sit up. 

Izaya shrugged, not deeming the statement worthy of a verbal response.

Shinra sat out for the rest of the class, what was supposed to be his warm-up left him unable to participate in anything other than being an observer. They continued on with the rest of the day’s exercises, short distance sprints and small races. Izaya excelled in everything he did, even more than that when on the off chance that Shizuo was placed into his group, they would push each other to go beyond that of the rest of the class in some unstated competition. Even when he was by himself, or working in a group with people he had no connection to, he still kept up the pace that put him ahead of everyone else, if only for the eyes he could constantly feel on him from the one person who’s attention he’d alway made an effort to keep.

The lesson finished with everyone sat on the grass — some sprawled — while the teacher praised his students for their hard work and explained what we would be looking forward to participating in the next week. Apparently swimming was the planned curriculum and Izaya seriously questioned their judgement for choosing to do such a thing in the middle of winter. 

The bell rang for lunch and the teacher dismissed his class with the wave of a hand. Everyone stood up from the grass on their too sore legs and stumbled off to the locker room. Izaya stood, stretching his arms above his head in an effort to smooth out the crick in his back.

“Orihara and Heiwajima, come here for a moment please.” Izaya and Shizuo both paused in their movements to follow the rest of their class into the locker room, confused as to the reason they were being singled out when they had made more of an effort than usual to not be disruptive towards the class. They walked over to the teacher regardless, while Shinra and Kadota continued to walk back inside with the rest of the class.

“You two boys were very impressive today. There are a lot of athletic achievers in this class but you seemed to outrun them all.” Izaya didn't know how to respond to that, and by the confused expression gracing Shizuo’s features, Izaya knew the blonde was in the same boat. “The Prefectural Athletics festival is on this weekend.” He stated. “Our school had been invited to participate in the relay competition at the last minute. I’d like you two to represent Raijin.”

Izaya couldn't control his expression as it was blown into one of surprise, wide eyed and mouth agape. He hadn't much clue where the conversation was going but this was certainly not it.

“You’d be competing against a range of other schools in Tokyo. It’ll look good on your school record and there is prize money for first place.”

That caught Izaya’s attention. Though it wasn't something he’d usually be interested in, he didn't have much room to refuse now. If there was money involved, that meant he could make his sisters lives a little more luxurious for the time being.

“Okay.” Izaya immediately agreed, catching the shocked whip of Shizuo’s head in his peripheral vision. The teacher smiled at the blonde, waiting for his response. Shizuo sighed.

“Fine.” He mumbled. 

The teacher looked far more excited than either of his students. “That’s great!” He clapped his hands together. “You’ll need to train during lunch until the weekend and there will be lots of teamwork involved.” He cheered. “But I think you boys will do great!” He quickly laughed, slapping the boys on their back and pushing them off in the direction on the locker room before they could change their mind.

They made their way back in silence and by the time they arrived, the room was empty, everyone already having dressed themselves and left in their haste for lunch. It meant that the space was eerily quiet as they both opened their lockers, Shizuo’s a few spaces down from his own. Izaya couldn’t help but feel exceedingly vulnerable and bare in the empty space. He stripped out of his shirt and replaced it with his school one as quickly as he could, so as to the prevent any further questions about the dubious cuts marring his stomach, should Shizuo happen to see them. But when he turned to chance a glance at the other, he was met with Shizuo’s back. Izaya watched the blonde strip his shirt over his head, revealing the smooth tan skin of his shoulders that flexed at the action. He watched the muscles shift under the movement, and trailed his gaze down the knobs of his spine to the small of his back, only to land on-

Izaya caught himself before his corrupt thoughts could escalate any further, turning away from Shizuo and completing the act of changing into his own clothes. He slid the cotton shorts down the pale expanse of his thighs and shoved them back into his locker, pulling out his rumpled jeans instead to cover his unclothed legs. By the time he was finished tying up the laces of his shoes and had slipped his arms into the sleeves of his jacket, Shizuo had dressed himself as well and they were finally able to leave the environment filled with tension on their inability to communicate with each other.

Izaya had been following Shizuo to the roof without noticing, lost in an exhausted haze. He thought about stopping with an excuse and heading to the library, but they were already coming up the stairs and Izaya honestly felt too tired to be bothered using his brain for anything other than walking, let alone coming up with an elaborate and believable excuse as to why he couldn't eat lunch with his friends. It seemed that whatever was keeping him switched on before, the coffee, the adrenaline of physical movement, had all come crashing down to leave him so incredibly drowsy and sad, he could cry if that wasn't more effort than what he was willing to spare.

Shizuo pushed open the door to the roof and Izaya was met with the chilled wind that whipped through his bones. He took his place on the cold concrete next to the blonde, only because that let him sit with his back resting against the chain link fence surrounding the roof.

“What did the teacher want you for?” Kadota spoke in between bites of his food.

Shizuo started to pull his own bento box from his bag to set it on the ground in front of him. “He asked us to represent the school in a relay competition this weekend.” He said, shrugging in nonchalance.

“What? That’s awesome!” Shinra chirped, eyes lighting up behind the rim of his glasses. “We’ll be sure to cheer you on!” He beamed.

“Thanks.” Shizuo grumbled, sounding a little less enthused about the idea.

Izaya couldn't have contributed to the conversation even if he wanted to. His head was tipping back against the fence and his eyes were weighting shut. He tried to push himself to keep them open, to utilise whatever last drops of energy he had in keeping his body conscious. But he was so tired his body wouldn't listen to him, the messages his brain was sending his nerves never seemed to reach. _I’ll just close my eyes for a second_ , he thought.

_Just…_

_A second…_


	11. West Coast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _But you've got the music_
> 
>  
> 
> _You've got the music in you_
> 
>  
> 
> _Don't you?_

“He must’ve really worn himself out with all that running, poor little guy.” Shinra cooed from his place on the concrete, smiling softly at Izaya’s sleeping form. 

Shizuo scoffed, eyeing the raven’s curled up body distastefully. He’d fallen asleep almost immediately without a care in the world, knees hugged tight to his chest and head lolled back against the support of the chain link fence. His breathing was soft and steady, a telltale sign of the deep slumber he had so easily fallen into.

The musical chime that signalled the end of their lunch would soon blare. Shizuo was barely half way through his lunch before the single speaker placed on the wall of the roof crackled into sound. He packed the rest of his food away with a sigh, reigning in his disappointment and exhaustion with the thought of his favourite class — and one of the few he enjoyed — that would be taking place next period.

“You have music next, right? With Izaya?” Shinra chirped after jumping up from the ground, his previously depleted energy apparently having been renewed during the short lunch break. 

“Yeah.” Shizuo grunted in response, hoping that Izaya’s playful yet placid mood would extend over the rest of the day in place of the narcissistic, conniving parasite he had always known him to be.

“Have fun!” The brunette beamed and the slam of the roof door closing behind Shinra and Kadota followed almost immediately after, leaving Shizuo alone with Izaya, still out cold in his spot against the fence. He contemplated leaving him there, making his way to class without attempting to shake the other from their sleep. But he liked to think he wasn't as cruel as so many people often thought he was, never mind that he’d surely never hear the end of it, once Shinra or Izaya had found out.

So he reached out to grasp Izaya’s shoulder, shaking with as little strength as he could muster. “Izaya.” He grumbled, receiving no response whatsoever. “Izaya. Wake up.” He called a little louder and shook with a little more fervour. Izaya didn't even stir. “Jesus, you’re a heavy sleeper.” He mumbled under his breath, releasing his grip on Izaya’s shoulder, else he shake any harder and snap the idiot’s neck.

Shizuo shuffled forward on his knees, leaning in to Izaya’s face, close enough that he could bring his lips a breath of touching the other’s ear. 

“IZAYA! WAKE UP!”

Izaya’s hands shot out in front of him, his entire body flinching back to press into the fence behind him. Shizuo startled at the sudden movement, instinctively leaning back and away from the other. Izaya was breathing hard, gasping for air, his face morphed into an expression of absolute terror.

But it only lasted a second. Once recognition settled into Izaya’s features, his expression turned into one of confusion. He lowered his hands back to his body and started to steady his breathing, all the while shooting this gaze around the area, as if he was trying to discern where he really was.

“What- what happened?” He asked.

Shizuo’s throat worked on a swallow. “Lunch is over.” He spoke, his voice rasping over the unsettling feeling that coursed through his veins the moment Izaya’s terror-stricken expression locked onto his face. “You wouldn't wake up.”

“Oh.” Izaya let out with a deep sigh, seeming to have fully relaxed now. “Ughh.” He suddenly groaned, bringing a hand up to grasp his forehead. 

“What’s wrong?” Shizuo questioned, eyebrows risen into an expression of dubious concern.

Izaya groaned again, moving his hand to cover his mouth instead. “I feel really sick.” He breathed. “And dizzy.” He added, trying to push himself up from the ground. He only made it to his wobbly feet for a second, before they gave out from under him and he stumbled back to the ground. Shizuo stretched his hands out on instinct to catch the other, but Izaya’s knees had already hit the concrete.

“Do you need to go to the infirmary?” Shizuo asked, only now noting how Izaya’s complexion had paled into ashen.

“No.” Izaya mumbled, eyes closed and body slumped over on the ground. Then, “Could you please pass me my bag?”

Shizuo blinked, “Uh, sure.” He grabbed the strap of Izaya’s bag sitting by his feet and dropped it next to the raven.

“Thanks.” He sighed. Izaya zipped open his bag and started to rummage around in the mess of papers and books, until he pulled out a small, white bottle. He removed the cap and emptied three round pills into his hand.

“What’s that?” Shizuo asked, looking at the pills in Izaya’s hand with one part concern and two parts suspicion.

“It’s just ibuprofen.” He mumbled. “Do you have any water?” He asked, seeming to have realised he didn't have any of his own.

Shizuo narrowed his eyes at Izaya, then again at his own school bag. “Yeah.” He sighed, reaching into his bag to pull out his own bottle of water, before handing it off to Izaya.

Izaya accepted the bottle without thanking him. Only taking the time to twist off the cap before popping the pills into his mouth and downing them with a swig from Shizuo’s bottle of water. Shizuo cringed when Izaya’s lips met the rim of his bottle without hesitating in the slightest. Not even taking a moment to consider how he might be opposed to that. He just capped the bottle and threw it in the blonde’s direction. Shizuo only just managed to catch it, even with every nerve in his body telling him to dodge the incoming attack, immediately assuming the projectile to be a knife, or some other kind of blade so often thrown by the flea.

Izaya had his head tipped back now. His eyes were closed as he eased his breathing into something that would fight off the onslaught of dizziness. It left Shizuo to look down at the bottle in his hand unobserved. He fiddled with the cap, trying to push back the sudden urge to drink from the bottle while the memory of Izaya’s lips wrapped around the rim was still fresh in his mind. Shizuo’s cheeks darkened a shade or two, making him grateful for the current lack of prying eyes. He couldn't explain why his breathing grew a little heavier, why the rush of adrenaline had started to thrum through his veins, as though he wasn’t thinking about taking a sip from a bottle of water. 

_What the fuck is wrong with me._

He looked up once more to make sure Izaya’s eyes remained closed, only then deciding to give into the strange heat laden excitement that left his blood pounding in his ears. Maybe it was the rush of doing something so _wrong_ that left him feeling this overheated. It was the only explanation he could fathom that didn't make him feel like an absolute fucking creep. He abruptly ended his hesitation by uncapping the bottle and bringing it to his lips, paying attention to the way his own lips wrapped around the rim, trying to see if he could taste the imprint Izaya’s had left. There was a kind of relief once his lips met the bottle, an end to the adrenaline that was almost just as pleasurable as the rush itself. He closed his eyes and let himself bask in the electricity of the feeling, letting his lips linger on the bottle a little longer than necessary.

When he opened his eyes, his heart jumped out of his throat. Izaya’s eyes were open now, his gaze wide eyed and locked onto Shizuo’s own. Every cell in Shizuo’s body froze under the attention. There was no possible way that Izaya could know what Shizuo had been thinking, no way he could be reading the other’s thoughts. But maybe the dark of his cheeks gave it away, maybe his own expression akin to that of a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar was what gave him away. Regardless, Izaya’s startled appearance, mouth slightly parted on surprise, made Shizuo wish the world would swallow him up right at that very moment, or maybe for a meteor to come and obliterate his pathetic existence.

Instead he just averted his gaze into something resembling ignorance, swallowing down a gulp of his water as though that was his only intention all along, that he had just been distracted at an unfortunate time. He would feign innocence because he immediately knew that was all he do to salvage the situation. Shizuo hastily re-capped the bottle and shoved it into his bag, only slinging it over his shoulder once he had pushed himself to his feet.

Izaya was still sat on the ground, staring up at Shizuo with a confused expression. Shizuo fought to keep his gaze level and locked onto Izaya’s own, resisting the temptation to look away. After a few seconds, Izaya broke into a small grin. He lifted his hand up into the air, keeping his arm stretched out in the blonde’s direction. Coupled with a risen eyebrow, Izaya just looked mildly amused with maybe the smallest amount of suspicion. It was better than the anger or disgust he had half expected to see flash over the raven’s features.

Shizuo stretched out his arm and grasped the open palm of Izaya’s own hand, still familiar from their reversed position that morning. The muscles of his arm barely flexed at the effort of lifting Izaya up off of the ground, the entire action done with such ease, Izaya may as well have weighed as much as feather. _He just about did_ , Shizuo thought. Izaya stumbled a bit on his feet, only letting go of Shizuo’s hand once he had regained enough balance to trust his own support.

“Are you going to be okay?” Shizuo asked, frowning at the pinch in Izaya’s brows as he leant over to pull the weight of his school bag over and onto his shoulder.

“I’ll be fine.” He sighed, starting towards the door with a little more confidence than he had shown beforehand. “Let’s go. We have music now don’t we?”

“Yeah.” Shizuo mumbled, following after Izaya, catching the door he had pulled open and stepping down onto the stairs leading back to the ground floor of the school. He walked just behind Izaya, ready to reach out and grab the back of his jacket the moment he started to stumble or trip on one of the steps. Izaya made it to the bottom without having to stop or wobble over his next step, his white-knuckled grip on the railing beside him seemed to be enough support for his flimsy looking body.

They eventually made it to the classroom, the teacher only sparing them a short glance at their late entrance. But her brain must have only registered the identity of her two students once she had looked away, because she doubled back almost immediately after. Staring in bewilderment at the the sight of Shizuo taking a seat on the carpeted ground behind the other students and Izaya claiming a spot right next to him; closer than what was really necessary and only after he had dropped his bag next to Shizuo’s own at the back of the room near the door.

Her wide-eyed gaze drew the attention of every other person in the classroom. Head’s turned back to stare at them and Shizuo felt himself shrink down under the attention. The teacher cleared her throat and turned away from the two, continuing her talk to the class as each student eventually turned back as well. It took a while before Shizuo could relax enough to listen into whatever the teacher was saying.

“And so for the next week or so, we will be foregoing our theoretical work in order to focus on your practical assessments.” She spoke over the class from her spot at the front of the room. “You will be required to form a group of two or more and create a musical piece of at least three minutes. It must include some kind of instrument and it’s up to you whether or not you would like to include lyrics and vocals. Though I can tell you, it _will_ get you extra marks. You’re now free to form your groups and start on your projects.” She called with the wave of her hand. The class erupted into a sudden chatter of students calling over their friends in order to form a group and discuss what genre of music they would create.

Shizuo readied himself to approach the teacher and convince her to let him work on his own. He had only made it to his feet before he felt a tug on the leg of his pants. He looked down to find Izaya staring up at him, face innocently blank and devoid of any condescending smirk.

“Want to be in a group together, Shizu-chan?”

Shizuo frowned. “Why would I want to be in a group with you?” Shizuo growled with a little more menace than he had intended.

Izaya didn't seem fazed by the threatening tone, he just shrugged. “Did you have someone else in mind?” Izaya spoke while looking around the room, his gaze a gesture to the multitude of students that avoided the two of them like the plague.

Shizuo sighed. “Fine. What can you play?” He asked.

Izaya shrugged yet again. “Nothing, yet.”

Shizuo bristled. “Then why the hell did you choose music as an elective!?” Shizuo had honestly thought as much, it was unlikely that Izaya was capable of anything genuine and creative, but he was still positive his face had morphed into utter disbelief.

“I thought it would be interesting.” Izaya spoke airily, disregarding Shizuo’s disgruntled expression with the wave of his hand. “I’m a quick learner, i’m sure it’ll be fine.” He grinned up at the blonde.

“Okay.” Shizuo sighed, unable to so easily dismiss Izaya’s confidence, even if he _did_ think it was a little misplaced. He turned on his heel and stalked off to one of the small, soundproof rooms regardless, grabbing an acoustic guitar from the wall on his way. The door shut behind him a few seconds after entering, so it came as no surprise when he turned to find Izaya taking a seat on one of the stools sat in the now enclosed space.

“So.” He breathed. “What are we doing?”

Shizuo fought the urge to roll his eyes. “We have to write a song, weren't you listening?”

Izaya’s eyes only narrowed in response. “Of course I was.” He abruptly stood up from his seat and turned to pull the door open again. Shizuo had a sudden pang of anxiety that he had been too gruff, that he had finally broken the delicate realm of balance between them with an unnecessary, sarcastic comment.

But Izaya barely spared him a glance, only providing and offhand “Well make a start on it, i’m going to go find another guitar”, before walking out of the door and letting the heavy weight of it fall shut behind him. Shizuo released the breath he hadn't realised he’d been holding, too relieved to be annoyed at the casual order Izaya had just thrown his way. He made the most of his current solitude, leaning back on his stool and against the wall he was sat in front of, closing his eyes and letting his fingers wander over the strings of the guitar. It wasn't as nice as the guitar he kept at home, but it played well enough. He started to pluck a calming melody, getting lost in the soft sound that never failed to ease the tension from his body. By the time Izaya slipped back into the room, a similar guitar in hand, Shizuo felt significantly more relaxed then before the other had left.

Izaya re-seated himself on the stool across from Shizuo and settled the guitar on his lap. “You’re left handed.” Shizuo observed, noting the way Izaya held the guitar in the opposite direction of his own. 

“Mhm.” Izaya hummed. “This was the only left-handed one they had so it was lucky no one else wanted it.” He re-positioned the guitar until it was comfortable in his grip, looking like he was ready to strum some kind of note, only to stop before he really made any move to do anything other than hold the instrument in his hands. Shizuo tried to hold back the small smile threatening to stretch his lips. He had never seen Izaya look so utterly lost, so lacking in information on what to do with the object in his hands. He just stared at it, face devoid of any emotion, as though if he stared long enough, his brain might provide him with the knowledge to play an instrument that Shizuo doubted he had ever touched before.

“Come here.” 

Izaya startled at the sound of Shizuo’s voice, looking up from his empty gaze over the guitar. “What?” He asked, voice just as blank as the features of his face.

Shizuo did roll his eyes this time. “Come here.” He spoke with a little more force, patting the empty stool next to him. “We’re not going to get anywhere with you just staring at it.” He explained when the only response he received was a raised eyebrow. Izaya stood up from his spot and seated himself next to Shizuo instead, resettling the guitar in his lap. 

“Teach me, Shizuo-sensei.” He drawled, a smirk painting his lips.

“Shut up.” Shizuo scowled, redirecting his attention towards his own guitar. He positioned his fingers over the strings and strummed the chord with his other hand. “This is E minor. It’s the easiest chord because you only need two fingers.” He explained. Izaya studied the pattern of Shizuo’s fingers and tried to replicate it with his own, strumming the sound after he deemed it correct. Shizuo re-positioned his fingers into a different pattern. “This is one is G. It’s a pretty common one so it’s good to know.” He mumbled, watching Izaya once again replicate the pattern with a certain grace. 

“This one is F.” Shizuo spoke. “It’s a little more difficult because it is a bar chord.” Shizuo watched Izaya struggle to reach each string with his smaller hands. “You’re using the wrong fingers.” He reprimanded. “Here, let me show you.” Shizuo dropped his guitar to lean it against the wall beside him, using his free hands to shuffle his seat a little closer to Izaya’s. He could feel Izaya watching him carefully as he leant closer and into the other’s space, but he didn't move away or flinch at the close proximity. Shizuo took that as a sign to continue. He reached out to grasp his hand around Izaya’s wrist, pulling it back up to the neck of the guitar. He then slid his hand up the other’s fragile wrist and over the back of his hand, trying to put as little strength as possible into the effort of moving the pale length of Izaya’s fingers over the correct strings.

It wasn't necessary, he knew it wasnt, but he brought his other hand out anyway, wrapping it around Izaya’s back so he could grasp his other hand and move it to the spot where the strings stretched out over the open space of the guitar. “There.” He breathed. The position left part of his shoulder and chest pressing against Izaya’s back, and he knew he should pull away, his excuse of correcting Izaya’s technique fading with every second he still sat pressed against the other’s body.

It wasn't until he felt Izaya shudder under the weight of Shizuo’s chest that he was snapped out of whatever warm haze had possessed him to do such a thing. He drew back from Izaya’s body as though he’d been burnt, the other’s awareness lancing through his own. He almost tipped himself off of his seat at the abrupt urge to get as much distance between them as possible. For the second time that day, he schooled his features into a feigned innocence, choosing the bliss of ignorance over excepting the embarrassment for what he had just done.

When he felt as though his expression was blank enough to catch the other’s gaze, Izaya was staring at him with an unguarded look of utter confusion. It made it evidently more difficult for Shizuo to keep up his facade. “Play it.” He said, nodding his head towards the chord Izaya’s fingers were still settled over. Thankfully, Izaya averted his gaze before Shizuo had to, looking down at his hands in order to press his fingers a little more forcefully against the bridge of the guitar and strum perfectly manicured fingernails across the strings.

“Now just practice moving between those.” He provided, moving to pick up his own guitar and settle it back over his lap. Izaya kept his focused gaze trained onto the movement of his hands, and within a few minutes he was shifting between the chords with a newfound ease. Shizuo played alongside him, a soft melody in tune with the pattern of notes Izaya had chosen. 

It was hard to believe that not a week ago he couldn't stand the sight of Izaya. If someone had told him that fast forward a few days and they’d be doing something as innocent as playing a gentle matching melody of guitar alongside each other, he’d have scoffed in utter disbelief and realigned that person’s head for coming up with something so incredibly ridiculous. As it was, over the past few days he found himself constantly having to pinch or squeeze a tender patch of skin just to make sure he wasn't still stuck in some disturbingly vivid dream.

It was surreal at the _very_ least and he knew it could only last so long.

“You’re really good.”

Shizuo startled at the sound of Izaya’s voice, abruptly torn from his quiet reverie. It took a moment for his brain to catch up with the present, all he was able to offer in the meantime was a baffled “Huh?”

“You’re really good.” Izaya repeated, gesturing towards the instrument that still sat silent in Shizuo’s lap. He hadn't even realised he’d stopped playing it. “At the guitar.”

Surely he hadn't heard that right, Izaya complementing him? But Izaya didn't look sarcastic or mocking, he looked the most sincere Shizuo had ever seen him, aside from the time they shared on the ferris wheel, that was.

Shizuo averted his gaze, using one hand to rub the back of his neck in an unconscious habit. “Uh, i’ve been… playing for a while. So… yeah.” He offered, inexperienced in receiving compliments and even more so at returning them.

“Hmm… I didn't know that.” Izaya spoke, deep in thought. Probably appalled at the revelation that there was a piece of information he had overlooked on his favourite ‘monster’. Well, not even Izaya could know everything, right? He was already feeling a little unsettled at having given that information out so freely, Izaya’s calculating expression only making him feel more so.

……….......

When their last class for the day had finally reached it’s end, Shizuo began the arduous task of ridding his locker of every textbook he would need in order to complete the night’s homework and somehow forcing them to fit into the small space of his school bag instead. He ended up having to carry two tucked under his arm. 

He thought that by now Izaya would think it routine that Shizuo walked him home from wherever they had spent the day. But in their separation to reach the lockers, Shizuo had lost site of Izaya. He made his way out of the front doors of the school building and searched the grassy expanse in front of him for a familiar head of raven hair.

He found him not a few seconds later, walking out of the school gate, shoulders hunched, hands tucked into his pockets and what looked like headphones hanging from his ears. Shizuo had to jog to catch up to Izaya, only lifting out a hand to land at the other’s shoulder once he was in touching distance, or _knifing_ distance as he soon found out. The hand already settled inside the pocket of Izaya’s jacket, tensed at the contact to his shoulder. Shizuo barely had enough time to step back and out of the way before that hand whipped out with an open blade in its grasp. Izaya didn't spare a glance at Shizuo, merely swiping an arc of silver into the air and almost catching Shizuo’s school shirt in the process, a slightly altered imitation of their first meeting.

“What the fuck!?” He bellowed. Izaya’s eyes went impossibly wide once he recognised the victim he'd just tried to butcher. 

“Shit.” He muttered, folding the knife back into his pocket and plucking an earphone out from one side of his head. “Sorry.” He spoke with wary smile, breathing a nervous sort of laugh at Shizuo’s fiery glare. “You surprised me.” He said simply, like that was an exceptional explanation for trying to knife somebody. Then, “I thought you were someone else.”

Shizuo sighed. “Jeez what kind of shady shit have you been pulling that means you freak out over something like that.”

“I didn't freak out. I’m just… on high alert.” He chirped, continuing on his path out of the school and not so much as raising a brow at the way Shizuo immediately fell into step beside him. They continued walking like that for a while, a cool breeze whispering through the surrounding trees and the soft hum of Izaya’s music from his discarded headphone to keep him company. He supposed he should be grateful that the flea hadn't shoved the other one back in as soon as they had started walking in an effort to ignore him completely.

They couldn't have been walking for more than a few minutes when Shizuo started to recognise the pattern of sound emanating from Izaya’s headphones. It took him a while to place the song; he recognised the tune, the lyrics came easily to him, so why couldn't he put a name to the artist? Shizuo sucked in a sharp intake of breath. Then,

“Are you listening to Lana Del Ray?” 

Izaya’s body immediately tensed, the action causing him to stumble over his own feet. He quickly righted himself before making any kind of an impact with the ground. He could school his features into any expression or mask he so chose, it didn't matter when the instinctive muscle memory of his body would always betray him.

“What is it of your concern?” He breezed, brushing aside his momentary lapse in bodily control.

Shizuo tried his best not to laugh, worried the humiliation would only piss Izaya off beyond repair. “I’m just surprised you like her is all.” He was surprised the flea enjoyed something as normal as listening to music, period. He figured Izaya would be the kind of person to find it irritating or a waste of time. It only went to show how little he really knew about the boy.

Izaya just shrugged. “She’s a talented artist and her music is catchy.” 

Shizuo couldn't hold back his short huff of laughter at that, amused that Izaya would gravitate towards anything that resembled ‘catchy’. “Yeah she is.” He admitted.

“Izaya raised an eyebrow in his direction, a small smirk gracing his lips. “What, does Shizu-chan like her too?” he asked, embarrassment giving way to amusement.

“Yeah, i do. That’s my favourite song by her too.” He confessed, gesturing towards Izaya’s headphones.

“Really.” Izaya countered, tone laced with suspicion. But he let it go and continued walking, hesitating for only a moment before lifting the spare headphone hanging by his side and holding it out in Shizuo’s direction. Shizuo almost stumbled at the gesture, taking more than a moment to realise it required a physical response on his end. When Izaya mistook Shizuo’s bafflement for hesitation, he started to pull his hand back, retracting the offer with a wry smirk to conceal any disappointment he may have felt. 

Shizuo quickly shot his hand out, grasping the earphone before Izaya could fully return it to his side. He placed the bud into his left ear while Izaya averted his gaze. Immediately the high quality sound of ‘West Coast’ flowed into his ear, the low hum of the bass reverberating through his head and instantly relaxing his muscles into a slack ease.

They had to keep walking a little closer than before, the length of the headphones keeping them from straying too far apart. Shizuo’s shoulder brushed Izaya’s on every step and he found himself taking comfort in the friendly contact. It would have been a sight to behold, he knew. Shizuo Heiwajima walking too close to his arch nemesis, the bane of his existence, whilst sharing headphones and brushing shoulders like they’d been best friends since childhood.

At least Izaya didn't stop in a startle when they neared his house, but the exhausted glance he spared at the car parked in the driveway made Shizuo wish he had. It felt less like Izaya had stopped being daunted by the idea of coming home to whatever it was that was distressing him and more like he had surrendered to something he felt he couldn't change. Like he had given up.

It bothered him more than he thought it should.

………………

Shizuo fell into bed emotionally exhausted and physically drained. The soft of his pillow and the warmth of his blankets only enhanced the drowsiness clouding his senses, making sleep an inevitable wave barrelling towards him. Despite this, he strained to keep his eyes open, to keep his mind alive with awareness and grasping onto something that would fight off unconsciousness.

He needed to because he couldn't shake the fear.

It was driving him crazy, the relentless paranoia distorting his rationality, the constant tremor of anxiety that told him he would go to sleep that night, only to wake up in a world gone unfamiliar over the past week; the real word. 

And what frightened him the most was the disconcerting revelation that he’d rather have the world he was currently in, that he’d never sleep again if it meant he would get to wake in a universe where there was a chance he could have something besides incessant hatred with the one person who’d never been afraid him. He wanted the chance to untangle the complicated relationship between them into something less destructive, something that would help them both. 

He wanted to stop hating himself.

But it never worked, just like he couldn't forever hold back his mind’s will to slumber. His eyelids would drop in lethargy and his body would go limp in fatigue. He would slip into unconsciousness no matter how hard he fought against it. The wave would pull him under and he would suffocate beneath it’s weight. Only to wake again, gasping for breath.

Shizuo slept with the sound of ‘West Coast’ humming throughout his head and the imaginary brush of Izaya’s shoulder warm against his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the extremely late update, i've been really busy with assignments and stuff. I will try to make sure not to take so long in the future! I also find it more difficult to write this fluffy, day in the life sort of stuff rather than angst so that's also probably why it took a bit longer. But i want us to slowly delve into the angst so for now it will be interspersed with regular high school interactions and a bit of character development. Anyway I hope it's still alright! Thankyou for reading and commenting <3


	12. Who Cares if You Exist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _When you're sat at home alone  
>  You may as well be asleep for the week  
> I'm so weak  
> But somehow I exist_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who cares if you exist - Peacock Affect

Izaya let the heavy weight of the front door shut behind him. He felt so exhausted he half expected his organs to give up and shut down at any moment. He wanted nothing more than to crawl under the warmth of his comforter and stay there forever, wrapped in a protective barrier that would keep him away from every thing, every thought, every person outside of his room. He picked himself up from his spot slumped back against the door and made to do just that. 

The only sound in the house was the thud of Izaya’s footsteps falling heavy up each stair. He silently thanked the universe for Mairu and Kururi’s friends that deemed them tolerable enough to spend the night; the thought of fulfilling any kind of responsibility other than the call to relinquish his hold on reality currently seemed an impossible task. He pushed open the ajar weight of his bedroom door with the toe of his shoe, letting it swing wide enough that it would fall closed behind him without the encouragement of his touch. 

Izaya let the burden of his school bag drop to the floor beside his desk and let the burden of his body fall face first into the soft of his bed, toeing his shoes off over the edge until they tumbled to the ground. He could have let himself drift into dreams just like that, with his limbs splayed out on the rumpled sheets and his body as boneless as that of a murder victim being analysed at the scene of a crime; he felt as though he was a blink away from falling into the weight of an unshakable coma that would hold him hostage the rest of the day and into the late hours of tomorrow.

But the irritating pressure of self preservation continued to press into the back of his head, so with more strength than he thought himself currently capable of, Izaya pushed himself back off of the bed and settled himself on unsteady feet that he then dragged across the distance fixing itself to the closed door. His eyes were blurry and weighted with drowsiness, but he’d completed the task a thousand times before; let his fingers fall to the cool metal knob sat just above the door handle and twisted it over until the click of the lock sliding into place was heard, promising the relief of as much safety as it had to offer. It was a natural occurrence, bred from the inability to repress gaping insecurities and incessant paranoia; brought on by the insistent press of unwanted memories and thoughts alike.

So it came as a surprise when Izaya’s fingers merely grazed the texture of rough, unfinished wood. The smooth brass of the lock he’d always known to be there had seemingly vanished under his touch. The confusion came first, his mind reeled with the force of it, while his hand brushed over every inch of space surrounding the first his fingers touched. With the curtains drawn shut, the room was drowned in the dark of shadows; so Izaya lifted his hand to the nearby wall instead, skimming the surface until he could flick the light switch over and bring the room into further clarity.

A quick glance back at the door and Izaya’s stomach dropped down to his toes. He had been expecting a momentary lapse in his sanity; for the lock to have been somewhere entirely different to the space he’d remembered, maybe even to find that it had never been there at all, for his exhausted state to have produced a vivid hallucination in which his bedroom door itself was entirely absent. He’d have rather’d that, he thought; even the idea of temporary insanity felt more desirable than the reality of cold foreboding truth.

It was obvious that at some point there had indeed been something other than the vacant space Izaya now laid eyes upon. That much was evident in the raw, splintered patch of wood; as though someone had forced the lock out of the door through the use of a chisel, a hammer or even an axe. Upon closer inspection, Izaya also spotted the existence of a small hole drilled all the way through to the other side of the door, confirming that despite the violent separation of the outer part of the lock, the complete inner workings of the device had also been removed.

He felt sick.

It overwhelmed every other emotion: the anger, the frustration, the fear and the helplessness, it was all twisting his stomach tight. But more than anything—

He just felt sick.

Izaya sucked in a shaky breath, but on exhale it came out closer to a sob. Through watery eyes, he moved to grab the wooden chair sat next to his wardrobe and drag it over by the door. He pushed the chair forward at an angle that left the highest part of the object lodged tight beneath the door handle. Izaya had never been one to hold much thought towards the idea of safety, of security. He trusted his instincts, trusted his ability to make the right decision and preserve his and his family’s safety; and as such, he’d never paid much mind to the assurance of a lock, to how much protection it had to offer; if not so much physically then for the peace of his mind it offered, the blanket of comfort. Only now that he’s had that protection stripped away from him, did he feel like he craved it the most.

He let his body collapse back down onto the bed, slipping his jacket off of his shoulders and his school shirt over his head. His dark jeans met the floor as well, leaving him clad in only his boxers and his skin bare to the soft sheets he pulled up to his neck. 

The mattress was still damp from being drenched that morning, but he paid it no mind, relishing in the way it made his body want to curl up tighter under the covers. Izaya blindly fumbled his hand over the bedside table until he was able to grasp the small bottle still placed there. Thumbing open the cap, he lifted his face from the bed so he could pay attention to what he was doing, watching as the remaining three pills fell out of the tipped bottle and onto the bed. He was eager to drift back into the longest and most consecutive sleep he’d had in months, but not as eager to reexperience the after affects upon waking. The idea of slipping into deep unconsciousness behind a door that would offer as much resistance to his father as if it were never there at all also pressed unease into the back of his mind. It was that thought that left him placing one of the pills back into the container, only taking the two left sitting on the bed into his hand before swallowing them down dry. He hoped that retiring to sleep so early in the evening would leave him waking on time for school the next morning but decided to set multiple alarms on his phone just in case, not wanting to turn up late to school again and raise too much unwanted attention.

Izaya had just placed his phone on the bedside table, let the illumination of the screen flicker into darkness, when the buzz of an incoming message vibrated off of the wooden surface it currently sat. It made Izaya jerk under the covers, the sound intrusive to his slow drift into sleep. He considered neglecting the attempt at communication but resisted, if only because he knew his unsated curiosity would keep him up all night. 

Izaya picked the phone up off of the table and brought it down closer to his face, squinting at the sudden onslaught of light that came with unlocking the device. He became unpleasantly surprised to find that he had received a message from Shizu-chan, unaware the blonde even had his number. The last thing he wanted to have to think about was Shizuo and his confusing, frustrating acts of misguided kindness.

[3:56] Shizu-chan: **Hey, It’s Shizuo. Since we’re doing the music assignment together, message me if you have any ideas for the song.**

Izaya sighed at the seemingly unnecessary pause in his search for rest. Couldn’t he have told him that tomorrow? He started typing out a reply to ask just that, along with questioning where Shizuo had gained access to his number in the first place. He held his thumb against the backspace symbol, erasing the contents of his message; he didn’t need to ask, he had a feeling he knew who Shizuo had requested it from. Before he had a chance to recompose his message, another text from Shizuo vibrated itself into existence.

[3:58] Shizu-chan: **Shinra gave me your number, by the way. I hope that’s okay.**

[3:58] Shizu-chan: **What are you up to?**

Izaya had honestly thought as much. He wanted to reply with something witty and sarcastic, maybe a quip about Shizuo being a creep for stalking him but he decided against it, thinking it would be unnecessary and a little hypocritical. 

[4:00] Izaya: **Yeah, that’s fine. I’m in bed, trying to sleep. Why?**

Izaya settled for honesty instead, feeling it came to him a little easier than the petty bickering he would have liked to offer.

[4:00] Shizu-chan: **A little early for that isn’t it? And I was just wondering.**

‘Just wondering’? Was that really a pressing enough excuse to start a conversation with your worst enemy? Izaya felt confusion muddle his already exhausted mind. He’d go through the effort of humouring Shizuo with the trivial weight of casual conversation anyway. He was curious.

[4:02] Izaya: **No time like the present. What are _you_ doing?**

[4:02] Shizu-chan: **I guess. I’m still walking home. Do you want me to let you go to sleep?**

The reply was almost immediate, giving Izaya the visual tell of how completely focused Shizuo must have been on the phone in his hand; the pass of people and his surroundings as he walked a mere blur for the attentive gaze he lay over the thread of Izaya and his own messages. It made him feel kind warm; Izaya pulled the covers down and off of his arms, letting the winter air chill him back to normality.

[4:05] Izaya: **No, its okay.**

[4:05] Shizu-chan: **Okay. So, how are you?**

Izaya almost laughed out loud, though as it was his exhausted body only managed a sharp huff of air. This was so ridiculous it almost wasn’t funny. Almost. 

_I don’t know, Shizu-chan. My life feels like it’s falling apart and I’ve got no one to turn to because I’ve spent the majority of it pushing everyone away. It also doesn’t help that everytime you try to be nice to me it feels like you're ripping out my insides and stomping on them._

Except that wasn’t true, he tried to tell himself. Despite being an absolute prick, he still had people that cared about him for some reason. Shinra had made that obvious enough. So had his sisters, though he wasn’t sure that really counted seeing as they were stuck with him. Hell, even Shizu-chan, who hated him most was asking how he was! Granted, he was sure the blonde’s motivation for doing so came more from the stubborn will to be a ‘good’ person and less from actually giving a shit about Izaya’s wellbeing. But it was still surreal and left him feeling a lot less bitter than he thought he deserved.

Izaya closed his eyes. If nothing else the idea of Shizuo fumbling awkwardly over casual conversation and offhand concern left Izaya with a stretch at his lips. He could picture the idiot now: flush faced, hand rubbing the back of his neck in nervous habit. Maybe he even stumbled over his feet a little in the effort of coming up with something worthy of a response from Izaya.

He had a sudden pang of regret at having taken the pills so prematurely. He felt his eyelids gain weight with each passing moment; it was getting harder to concentrate on typing out a response. Of course, now that he _wanted_ to be awake, was struggling to stay so, his body would pull him in the opposite direction. It was frustrating and left him with the sting of anxiety; that Shizuo would mistake his unresponsiveness for something shallow and insensitive, rather than the unconsciousness it was. It was a laughable thing to have plague his thoughts and in the end what left the grip of his hand slack at his pillow. The phone slipped under the covers around the same time Izaya’s mind slipped out of reality, the screen lighting up with one final message before turning dark again; the colored blink of the notification light and the afternoon sun spilling in from under the curtains the only illumination remaining.

[4:23] Shizu-chan: **Goodnight Izaya.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me start off by saying...  
> I AM SO SORRY!  
> I can't believe I've left this story for so long, I've become one of the people I always complain about on Ao3, the people that up and abandon they're stories without a word of warning. It's been a tough past six months or whatever it's been, I've struggled a lot with my health and studies, not that that is much of an excuse. I realise I've probably lost most of my readers with this hiatus but oh well all I can do is say that I'm back now and am going to try and update as regularly as possible because I still have so much planned for this story, we've barely scratched the surface! I'm aiming to write at least 200k words and even make some animated shorts and art for the story.
> 
> I know this chapter is pretty short but I just wanted to hurry up and get something out there rather than waiting longer to write something more elaborate. I really hope you can forgive me >.<
> 
> I also urge you to read the full lyrics for the feature song, they are a perfect description for how Izaya feels right now! I wish I could have put the whole thing in the summary. 
> 
> Thankyou for anyone still reading and commenting, it means the world to me! See you next time, and I promise it won't be too far away.


	13. Creep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _You're just like an angel  
>  Your skin makes me cry_

Izaya woke slowly. Unlike yesterday’s sharp awakening, he drifted out of sleep at an unhurried pace, slipping in and out of consciousness with each blurry blink of his eyes; his body left boneless and heavy against the sheets. The little light that seeped in from under and around the dark curtains hanging over the windows felt warmer and more radiant against Izaya’s pale, uncovered thigh than he thought it should have in the early hours of the morning. At first he thought it was still the late afternoon sun he was watching bleed into the room, that he’d fallen asleep only to wake a number of minutes later. But that was unlikely when there hadn’t been anything to forcibly pull him from rest, at least not that he could currently discern.

He half heartedly fumbled over the bedside table for the shape of his phone, only pushing himself up into a sitting position when his hand came back empty. The events that took place before Izaya fell asleep were slowly coming back to the forefront of his mind and he searched the covers of his bed instead, finding his phone buried under the warm weight of them. The screen was blank and unresponsive, having depleted its battery over the course of the night. After he’d plugged it into a power source, the phone took 30 seconds or so to power itself back into existence. One reluctant gaze at the dim lit numbers emanating from the screen and Izaya found himself forcibly holding back a groan of anguish; he was helpless against the involuntary whimper that slipped from his lips instead. He’d overslept by more than he thought possible considering the consecutive hours of rest he had under his belt, and his multiple alarms had proved useless when his phone had been as dead to the world as Izaya himself. 

He was distantly grateful for that, anxious over the thought of having slept through them regardless and perhaps drawn the irritated attention of his father through the door and into his room. Izaya glanced at the empty pill container still sat atop his bedside table, thankful that hadn’t been the case else he not of woken up in such a pleasant manner. He frowned distastefully at the thought, grabbing the bottle after stepping out of bed and shoving it deep inside the confines of his school bag as the closest place to successfully hide it.

The distance from his bedroom to the bathroom was a short one and Izaya spared no time in crossing the stretch of hardwood floor beneath him, eager to spend as little time as possible in the open space of his house. Avoidance was a strategy, and he was damn well good at it. If he had to spend the rest of his life avoiding the presence of his father then so be it, at least he’d be rewarded the gift of minimal interaction with the man. 

Izaya’s feet met cold tiles and the bathroom door pressed closed behind him. He silently thanked no one in particular for the lock that was still physically attached to the heavy expanse of wood; twisting it over and purging a good chunk of his anxiety in the process. He’d need to find someone a little more reliable than Shinra for his next dose of chemical sleep, someone that gave answers without asking questions. He thought about his possible sources whilst stepping into the shower and liberating his body of the wintry chill the late morning air still offered, spending more time under the spray of hot water than he should be considering his increasing lack of time to spare.

It was while he was wrapped in the fluffy while towel left by the shower, drying himself off in front of the cabinet mirror overhead the sink that the memory came to him. It was only a year or so old but blurry all the same. Mairu had just started school — she’d been trouble since birth, that much Izaya knew; her boisterous personality and overly active imagination rivalling that of most children her age. But the teachers and concerned parents of the public institution were less than understanding and were diagnosing her with all sorts of neurological disorders before she’d even had the chance to step into a doctor’s office. The doctors weren’t much more help in Izaya’s opinion. Stuttering over the inconsistent results in her psychological evaluation, they eventually settled on the label of ADHD to stick to her forehead. Izaya’s mother begrudgingly accepted the bottle of pills forced upon her and in turn forced them upon Mairu, for a time. She stopped eating, stopped sleeping, the drugs were taking a part of her that Izaya thought made her who she was, so Kyouko made the decision to stuff the bottle far back on the highest shelf in the bathroom cabinet and moved schools for good measure. Everyone was all the better for it and both of the girl’s were happy where they were. Izaya never felt the need to look back at the ordeal, had let the majority of it slip from his mind until now. He glanced at himself in the mirror, considered stapling the weight of his eyelids open and using makeup to cover the fading bruises still marring his face. He abandoned the idea and opened the bathroom cabinet instead.

For a second he had the fleeting fear that his mother had actually thrown the bottle away, that it now sat decomposing at the bottom of a land fill; but a couple more seconds or so of rearranging the items on the shelf and the familiar plastic yellow container came into view. His eyes raked over the white label: _Adderall. 10mg. Expiry date…._

_Well these sorts of medications tend to last a lot longer than their expiry date, right?_

Izaya closed the cabinet and tried to avoid catching his reflection again in the mirror. He suddenly wished he’d had the forethought to bring clothes into the bathroom rather than having to venture out into the open with only the thin weight of a towel wrapped around his hips. He covered the distance back to his room with slightly more speed than when he had left it, letting the door slip shut behind him as quietly as possible. The small bottle of pills met the same fate as the last: the bottom of his school bag, hidden amongst papers and books. He’d leave them out of his own reach for now; he’d only take them if he had to, he promised himself. After shedding the towel wrapped around his body, Izaya reclaimed the pieces of his school uniform he so unceremoniously dropped to the ground last night. The shirt was a little creased but he slipped it over his shoulders anyway, deeming it worthy of wear for at least another day.

Izaya had yet to hear any sound born from his father’s presence since he’d awoken, but the car still idle in the driveway outside the house left the matter of his whereabouts relatively obvious. He left his room on quiet feet and pulled the door shut softly behind him. He stalled in descending the stairs, giving himself some time to consider whether the burn of hunger and the lure of coffee was worth venturing into the kitchen and inevitably running into his father. By the time he’d reached the bottom of the stairs and caught a glimpse of Shirou’s dark hair bowed over the newspaper and sat at the dining table, he’d come to the decision that it was not in fact worth the interaction. He struggled to keep his body at the casual pace of a walk over the distance laid out between the staircase and the front door; the urge to break into a sprint one he felt tremble in the back of his thighs. 

Izaya was grateful he’d had the opportunity to tie his shoes to his feet in the privacy of his bedroom that morning rather than at the entrance of the house, the foresight saving him at least fifteen or so seconds and leaving him with no obstacles on his way out the door beside the door itself. He was about halfway across the stretch of space when he saw movement in his peripheral vision, the lift of a head and the shift of attention over his hurried form; but it was the scrape of a wooden chair that really spurred him into action, that left him abandoning his stilted stride for the sake of making it out the door before Shirou could call him back with some feathery excuse of wrongdoing. Izaya let his feet carry him forward as fast as they could possibly manage, the spontaneous and unrestrained sprint leaving him on the other side of the door in what felt like less than a second. The last thing he saw before closing it behind him was the furrowed brows of his father, pushing himself out of his seat at the table and making to move around it as if to take after Izaya with the same haste he had just shown in escaping the house; it left Izaya’s heart stuck high in his throat, or low in his stomach, he wasn’t quite sure which.

He closed the door and — without another moment of hesitation — turned on his heel and sprinted down the steps marking the entrance to the house, skipping the last few and almost tripping over them in the process. Izaya didn’t look back. He kept to his sprint out of the yard and far beyond that too, his still drowsy mind and lethargic limbs leaving him to trip and stumble over his own two feet every so often. It was only once he’d rounded the corner at the end of his street that he slowed to a jog and then a walk, panting hot air into the space around him. He doubted even Shirou would venture so far out of the house and into the open just to drag Izaya back home by the hair on his head. One hand still gripping the strap of his school bag, Izaya used the other to fish his phone out of its confines, taking a moment to check how much time had past since he’d last glanced at the screen upon getting out of bed. He was immediately distracted by the barrage of unanswered messages and missed calls from Shinra that took up most of the space on the display of his phone. _Shit_ , he inwardly cursed. This was what happened when you left your phone on silent for too long a time.

[8:49] Shinra: **Are you almost here?**

[8:54] Shinra: **The bus will be leaving soon Izaya D:**

[8:58] Shinra: **Where are you?? Did you forget we have an excursion today?? You better not be asleep! The bus is going Izaya!!!**

“For fuck sake.” Izaya muttered, dropping the phone back in his bag and willing his legs to break into a sprint once more. He’d make it, he had to; there was no way he was going to abandon the day now and return home to his own personal hell.

 

…………………………………..

 

Shizuo’s morning has been less than reassuring. 

He’d tossed and turned all night, abstract nightmares and personal paranoia twisting together to leave him tangled in his sheets and sweating up a storm. He had awoken feeling more exhausted than when he’d fell asleep, the only thing stirring him from his restless slumber being the dull clanging of pots and pans and the warm sun glaring through his uncovered window. He would have stayed there too, let himself drift back into that feverish rest if it wasn’t for the disconcerting revelation that the sun shone high in the sky and he had yet to be woken up by his alarm or his parents either one.

He pushed himself up from the mattress and twisted to look over his bare shoulder at the alarm clock sat by the bedside table. His stomach lurched. 

“Muuuuuuum!” Shizuo yelled in the general direction of his open bedroom door, stumbling as he stepped out of bed with the sheets still caught around one foot. The clashing of kitchenware stopped abruptly; the sound of soft footfalls coming up the stairs to replace it.

“Yes dear?” Shizuo’s mother appeared in the doorway, a look of concern plastered over her features. 

Shizuo yanked open the draw of his dresser, nearly pulling the entire weight of it off of its hinges in the process. “Why didn’t you wake me?!” He complained, his tone laced with frustrated exasperation. His bedroom door had been wide open, she must have seen his limp body still sprawled over the sheets despite the lateness of the morning.

“You looked sick, I thought it’d be best if you stayed home for the day.” Shizuo’s mother spoke softy, her face twisting into obvious guilt.

Shizuo shook his head violently. “I’m fine.” The displaced draw met the dresser again and Shizuo threw the items of clothing he’d collected from it onto his unmade bed. “Really, I’m okay.” He amended when his mothers face still held to that dubious concern. “I just had a rough sleep.” He breathed.

“Alright.” She sighed, a small smile replacing her frown. “I’ll go quickly make some lunch for you to take.” Shizuo’s mother cleared the doorway and returned to what sounded like wrestling with the kitchen pots and pans. Shizuo was glad she hadn’t asked why he was suddenly so eager to go to school, pretty sure he almost definitely would have taken the opportunity for a day off at any time in the past; god knows he felt like he needed it. He couldn’t possibly have explained to her the constant chill of paranoia sat just under the surface of his skin; or the butterflies that had made a home deep in his tummy, that caught in his throat every time he tried to take a breath, every time he tried to speak. All in the presence of someone he used to hate so unconditionally it drove him to the brink of murderous insanity.

God, he couldn’t understand it himself. It still left him reeling with confusion and self doubt every fucking time. How could he possibly convince someone else he was still in his right mind when it felt like everything Shizuo had ever known was falling out from under his own two feet and was being replaced with something that left his heart beating too fast and his very existence a little out of place.

He couldn’t get out the front door fast enough, his efforts in leaving the house consistently being stalled by one form of bad luck or another. Be it tripping over his untied shoelaces on his way down the stairs, almost dropping his phone in his full bowl of cereal, or even just the way his hair stuck up in all the wrong places. It felt like he’d woken up into some bizarre dimension where every part of his daily existence was trying to retaliate against him with a minor inconvenience. When his first step out of the house was into a large muddy puddle, Shizuo had the impression that he’d been cursed in his sleep and would spend the rest of the day struggling to avoid some sort of misfortune.

He’d turned down his mother’s offer for a ride into the school, taking the opportunity to release his restless energy by sprinting there instead. It was an uncomfortable feat; his school bag swung from his shoulder on every step, the heavy weight of it thumping against his hip and his thigh. He tried to use it as a distraction from the burden of last night’s nightmares still swimming through his head, the flashing images of hateful smirks and disgusted glares wrapping themselves like a vice around his throat. Scathing insults and the crunch of bone breaking still rang clear in his head. 

It was making him feel sick.

He swallowed down the impending nausea and slowed his strides as the school gates finally came into view. It wasn’t until he’d made it halfway up the pathway that Shizuo spotted a hunched over figure sitting at the bottom of the steps leading up to the institution. Izaya had his knees tucked tight to his chest and his head resting atop them, his forearms wrapped around the top of his head, concealing his face from view but Shizuo could recognise him just from the dark curtain of hair falling over his forearm alone. Izaya didn’t so much as twitch a muscle as he came closer, Shizuo would have thought he’d fallen asleep there if it wasn’t for the earphones he could see peaking out from the dark of his hair.

Shizuo didn’t hesitate when he moved his foot to kick a little too forcefully against Izaya’s own, but the way Izaya flinched at the contact made him feel like he should have. His head came up from beneath the protective barrier he’d made of his arms and tired eyes locked onto his own.

“Shizu-chan.” Izaya spoke quietly, surprise softening his features. It made him look more delicate than Shizuo thought possible, he had to look away.

“What are you doing?” Shizuo tried to sound indifferent but it was difficult when he was also making the effort too not come off too gruff.

Izaya pulled the headphones from his ears and sighed like speaking was more effort than it was really worth. “I missed the bus for my excursion” he mumbled. “Shinra and Dota-chin are gone and now I don’t know what to do.”

“Oh.” Shizuo offered unhelpfully. He had only the vaguest memory of Shinra mentioning that the day before. He couldn’t believe he ran to school after being offered the day off when he could have potentially spent the entire school day alone. Granted, Izaya’s company probably wasn’t much better than that, he told himself, but at least that iron grip on his heart had eased a little. Seeing Izaya now, his eyes glazed with a tired kind of melancholy, Shizuo still felt relieved, because at least it wasn’t the absolute hate he was so used to seeing. At least Shizuo wasn’t hurting others and then hurting himself.

“Why are you so late?” Izaya’s voice brought Shizuo’s attention back down to the raven haired boy, head in his hand, elbow resting on his knee and a bored look plastered over his face.

Shizuo frowned and looked away again. “Slept through my alarm.”

Izaya huffed a laugh that had the blonde’s eyebrows twitching down on frustration. He kept his eyes trained on the awkward shuffle of his feet over the pathway. “Want to come to my class?” When he received no response, he begrudgingly lifted his gaze to Izaya’s own. He looked confused, his stare searching for something in Shizuo’s expression.

“Okay.” He suddenly responded, standing up from his spot against the stairs. “What do you have?” Izaya started to move up the steps, only looking back over his shoulder when the blonde left his question unanswered for too long a time. Shizuo resisted the urge to tell him to turn back around, that he was going to trip and fall without vision as his aid.

“Home ec, I think.” Shizuo started up the stairs and glanced at the watch over his wrist; he’d already missed his first class for the morning and the next would be just starting to let students filter in. Izaya hummed acknowledgement but didn’t say anything else. Shizuo huffed a breath of relief when he finally turned back around to focus on the action of his feet moving up and over the stairs. Once inside, Shizuo took the lead in navigating the hallways for the classroom he’d usually be in at the present time. The door was still open when he reached it, making it easy enough for himself and Izaya to slip in amongst the other students still settling into their seats. It was a tight squeeze, the two chairs barely fit into the small space under the desk, it left their elbows touching every moment or so and their shoulders barely a breath apart. 

“Alright, listen up. Today’s recipe is fairly straight forward and self directed. You’ll be going off into small groups and completing it at your own pace. I’ve left the details on the paper at each of your benches and on the board.” The teacher spoke gesturing to the rows of impromptu kitchen benches ahead of her and then at the white board behind her, filled with what Shizuo thought looked like unintelligible scribble. Cooking had never been a strong suite of his, it was too fickle, too many things to mess up in too short a time. He usually found himself tagging along the outskirts of whatever group deemed him tolerable enough to join, simply observing the procedure rather than taking any part in it. But with the way people were avoiding him now, all subtlety gone in their effort to be as far away as possible from Shizuo and his extra company made him think that this time he wouldn’t be so welcome. 

“Come on.” He sighed, pushing out from his seat at the table. Most of the kitchen benches by the back of the classroom were already becoming occupied by the other students, groups of friends gathering there excited at the prospect of cooking together. Shizuo spotted a vacant bench closer to the front and made his way there, taking the time to quickly glance over his shoulder and see if Izaya was following him. He was, and so were the eyes of nearly everybody in the classroom; for all their effort in avoiding him, they seemed to have no problem tracing his every movement with wide eyes and uncertain whispers. He tried to ignore them and focus on the only person that wasn’t currently making him feel like an alien. Izaya came to stand beside him and stare at the paper over their bench with a blank kind of helplessness.

“Have you cooked before?” He asked.

“Of course I have.” Izaya answered, gracing Shizuo with the most unimpressed look he’d ever seen on the other’s face. “But nothing this complicated.” He amended, squinting at the convoluted procedure for creating their dish.

“Lemon Meringue Pie.” Shizuo spoke slowly in an attempt to correctly pronounce the English words typed onto the paper. “Never heard of it.”

“I think it’s a French dish, or maybe Swiss.” Izaya hummed. “You go collect the ingredients and I’ll start getting the bowls out.” He handed the paper to Shizuo who stifled a growl at the offhand demand. He had a little trouble carrying everything at once but eventually placed the pile of various ingredients onto the counter without having dropped or broken anything. 

“Okay.” Izaya sounded confident, easing Shizuo’s own anxiety even just the smallest bit. “It says we have to make the base first.” He placed a large metal bowl in front of the blonde. “You can sift the flour and icing sugar into there.” Shizuo started to unwrap the packet of flour and pour it into the sifter. “Oh, and make sure you follow the measurements.” He added after he had turned away from Shizuo to pull a knife from the block of wood sat atop the bench. Shizuo immediately paused in his actions to look down at the indiscernible amount of flour he’d just lumped into the sifter.

“I know that.” He mumbled, quickly abandoning the sifter and bag to search for a measured cup in the draws under the counter. He poured the flour back into the bag before he thought Izaya had noticed his careless mistake and then repeated the steps with an accurate measurement instead. Izaya glanced back at him just as Shizuo had poured the correct amount into the sifter, he kept his eyes trained on the flour falling into the bowl like powdery snow. Once he’d finished that, Izaya stepped closer to drop a handful of butter he’d cut into squares over the flour and sugar.

“Now you have to rub the butter into the flour and sugar with your hands until it resembles that of fine breadcrumbs.” Izaya spoke, reading off of the sheet of paper they’d left in the middle of the bench. “Who knew your monstrous strength might come in handy.” He chirped. “Just make sure you wash your hands first, who knows where your beastly appendages have been.” 

_Uh oh._ Shizuo grimaced, his hands already settled in the bowl, the butter and flour wet between his fingers. “I already have.” He lied, resuming his efforts in mixing the ingredients together. It was too late now, Izaya would make him start all over again if he found out. 

“Watch out.” 

Shizuo moved his head back just in time to avoid being splashed by the cup of water Izaya decided to unceremoniously dump into the bowl. “Oops.” The other boy drawled when the majority of it landed to wet against the front of the blonde’s school shirt anyway. Shizuo growled and an unapologetic grin split across the other’s face. “Mix that in with the rest of it.” 

“Ugh.” Shizuo grimaced at the feeling of the sticky paste now forming under his fingers. It wasn’t long before the mixture morphed into a dough that he was then able to take out of the bowl and spread over the counter. It was while he was rolling the dough out, using long strokes to press it into flat obedience, and without snapping the pin in half, that he noticed the white powder dusting some of Izaya’s features. It was smudged down the bridge of his nose and along the side of one of his cheeks, a stark contrast to the dark bruises still fading there. _How the hell did you manage that, huh? You weren’t even using the flour._ “Heh.” Shizuo huffed a laugh to himself and Izaya, observant as ever, shifted his attention so quickly it was if he’d been watching Shizuo the entire time.

“What’s so funny?” He asked, a frown on his face. The serious curve of his mouth and the pinch in his brows only made him look that much more ridiculous in Shizuo’s opinion. He made little effort to hide the amused grin he could feel stretching over his lips.

“You have flour on your face.” He laughed, gesturing to his own nose. Shizuo watched Izaya’s own expression contort in embarrassment before he lifted his hands to violently rub over his face. It only made Shizuo laugh harder, forcing him to pause in his efforts to smooth the dough out any further.

“You think that’s funny, do you?” Izaya sneered, his hands flying to the paper bag of flour still open over the bench. His movements were too fast for Shizuo to make any sense of until after Izaya had pulled out an entire handful of flour and had it aimed at his head like a snowball; and by then, with Shizuo’a hands still caught in the dough, it was much too late. 

The impact was a little underwhelming; considering how much effort Izaya put into the motion of moving his arm away from his body, but it was a shock all the same. The flour dispersed in the air, it’s tendency to not be very aerodynamic only meaning it managed to cover every inch of Shizuo’s upper body and face. His mouth still hung slightly agape in the remaining tendrils of shock and, when he closed it, he could taste the dry, flavourless powder over his tongue.

Izaya’s expression changed so quickly Shizuo barely had the attention to keep track of it. First, his nasty smirk blew wide open on surprise, evidently having misjudged the outcome of his actions. After the initial shock had worn off, his features scrunched up on utter amusement, the laughter rolling out of him in waves. 

It felt like he’d taken a leaf from Shizuo’s book, overreacting to the smallest thing and then wreaking havoc in tenfold. Shizuo tried to be angry, he really did, but the situation was so incredibly absurd that he found his body flushing hot on amusement rather than anger. He’d never seen Izaya like that before; face devoid of his usual snide amusement and having been replaced with something so much more genuine.

“Y-You-” Izaya cut himself off, the laughter choking his words into a wheeze. “You look so-” Another deep breath. “Shizu-chan looks so stupid!”

“Oh yeah?” Shizuo growled, his lips quirking up on amusement. He drew his hands back from the dough and slowly started to make his way towards Izaya, his added height letting him loom over the other boy.

“Uwah, scary.” Izaya drawled, his tone still heavy with mirth. It only lasted a second or so. When Shizuo kept stalking towards him, like a predator closing in on its prey, Izaya’s mouth slipped down into a frown, his eyes darting out to assess the possible escape routes around him. “What are you doing?” He asked wearily.

“Come-“ Shizuo growled, moving his arms out and in front of him. For a moment he thought he saw something close to fear flicker across the other’s eyes; it almost made him hesitate. “Here!” He finally yelled, lunging forward with outstretched arms and open hands to grab at Izaya in front of him. He half expected to close in on air, for his hands to come back empty as they so often have in his efforts to capture the other. But that wasn’t the case this time, for whatever the reason. Izaya may have let himself go still under the other’s grasp, but Shizuo liked to think that he had just happened to catch Izaya off-guard. His shoulder’s felt small and fragile under his hands so he tried his best to keep from crushing them under his grip, instead bringing them forward until Izaya’s chest was flush with his own and Shizuo was able to duck his head into the crook of Izaya’s neck. 

Izaya squeaked at the contact. “What do you think you’re doing you single celled protozoan!?” He yelled, fists clenched in the front of the blonde’s school shirt and pushing at his chest. Shizuo didn’t budge, continuing in his effort to cover the top half of Izaya’s body in just as much flour as what covered his own. He shook his head back and forth, rubbing the flour that covered his face into the shoulders of Izaya’s school jacket and the already pale skin of his neck. “S-Stop.” He stuttered, short involuntary huffs of laughter making his voice falter. 

_Huh._

Shizuo pressed his cheek a little harder into the side of the other’s neck and Izaya flinched, his entire body cringing and squirming in its effort to get away from that touch.

_So that’s it._

The stuttering breaths and huffs of laughter soon became uncontrollable, until Izaya’s body was practically convulsing with giggles and squeals. His arms turned to jelly at Shizuo’s chest until he barely felt the effort of the other pushing against him at all.

_He’s ticklish._

When it felt like revenge had been thoroughly served and Izaya was squirming so much Shizuo sensed he may have been in danger of reaping a knee to a more delicate part of his body — on purpose or not — he eased his grip on the other’s shoulders and drew back from his neck. Izaya took the opportunity to shove harshly against Shizuo’s retreating body, forcing him to stumble back a couple of steps before falling to land on his bum.

“You stupid, idiotic protozoan!” He panted, face flushed with embarrassment.

“Your ticklish.” Shizuo murmured from his spot on the ground, eyes wide and fixed on the pinch in the other’s brows. 

“I am not.” He huffed, petulant and dour, his reddened cheeks dusted with flour.

Shizuo couldn’t help it, a grin was stretching his mouth and Izaya’s was twisting up from a frown. A few breaths of laugher escaped from his lips and Izaya’s followed suite, the absolute ridiculousness of their current situation and appearance demanding contagious amusement against their will. Izaya had abandoned his scathing glare and frustration for unabashed hilarity, the skin around his bright eyes crinkling at the sides and his lips pulled taught over pearly teeth. He looked-

Shizuo’s laughter stuttered to a stop. Some invisible wave of emotion washed over and under and around his very being, it left him a little dizzy. Breath hitching in the back of his throat, he unconsciously lifted a hand to clutch at his heart; something hurt. It felt like being back on that roller coaster. Something was changing inside him; he wasn’t sure _what_ and he wasn’t sure _how_ , but for the very first time since he was a child, he felt scared; unsure as to whether he should be fighting it or simply giving in to it’s grasp on his psyche.

Shizuo suddenly became very aware of his surroundings, only now taking the chance to look up and out from the little bubble of a world he’d let himself be drawn into. 

The stares made his stomach drop. People had their mouths agape, girls were whispering in groups, wide eyed and weary; even the teacher looked like she’d seen a monster. Maybe she had. 

Izaya wasn’t looking at them, he’d wet a dishcloth under running water and had begun the process of wiping the flour from his face. Shizuo pushed himself up off the floor, and made an effort to dust off the white powder still covering the front of his school shirt, letting it flutter to the ground and cover the tips of his school shoes instead.

“Shizu-chan.” He looked up to find Izaya closer than he’d anticipated, he had to make a conscious effort not to flinch away from the other’s outstretched hand clutching the rag. Shizuo lifted his own hand to take the offered object but Izaya continued moving until the cold, wet cloth was pressed against the blonde’s cheek. Shizuo did flinch at that, if only a little, but Izaya smirked all the same, beginning to draw the cloth along his face and wipe away the flour that still covered it. He wasn’t smirking at the blonde anymore, his attention entirely focused on the act of his hand moving over the other’s face, bringing the cloth down his cheeks, along the bridge of his nose and across the red of his lips. Shizuo studied Izaya’s expression with as much attention as the other held towards himself, getting lost in the way his eyebrows drew together on concentration and the way his lips formed the slightest pout. He could remember the feel of those shoulder under his hands, the warmth of that neck under his lips, the way he shivered at the contact like Shizuo’s body was colder than ice, when he should have been trembling in fear that Shizuo might squeeze too hard and crush his shoulders in his grip.

_Fuck, what is wrong with me?_

It was pathetic, the things he felt weren’t real. He’d been deprived of human contact for so long — and with good reasons too — that his body was convincing him that brief interaction was something he needed, something he deserved. He was a creep for even entertaining the idea, if only Izaya could hear the thoughts he couldn’t control; he’d be _sick_ , they all would.

Shizuo didn’t bother looking up at their possible audience now. Thinking about what everyone is thinking of him; it makes him want to cry.

“Done.” Izaya drew back from the other’s space all too soon and began to ring the cloth under the tap again. Shizuo brought his hands to his face to feel for any remaining flour. Its not that he didn’t trust Izaya, it was just that, well, he didn’t trust Izaya. He turned to lift the saucepan placed over the bench by the handle and bring it up to his face. He gazed into it’s especially shiny surface and watched his distorted expression stare back at him, forcing himself to look the unfamiliar reflection in the eye before he has to look away.

By the time they got the dough spread out in a dish and under the heat of the oven, Shizuo could tell that they were far behind, everyone already having completed that task and half of the next. He put the settings up a little higher, hoping it might speed up the cooking process and leave them retrieving their base from the oven at the same time as everyone else. Izaya had already gone to the effort of opening the rest of their ingredients and measuring out the correct portions for each, ready to pile them into the saucepan once it was hot enough. Shizuo decided to assist by readying that heat, turning the dial over until gas caught light and a flame erupted from the small hole in the stove. He picked up the saucepan and placed it over the flame, taking his time in balancing it over the metal ring surrounding the blaze of fire and only bringing his hand back to his side once the heat of it had become uncomfortable against his fingers. 

He realised he may have taken too long when the heat remained caught in his hand despite its position far away from the gas lit flame. He ignored the sensation, it wasn’t the first time he’d burnt himself on something and it probably wouldn’t be the last. He was just entertaining the idea of using an ice pack to prevent it from blistering when Izaya dropped the cup of sugar he had been holding with a yell.

“Shizu-chan!” Izaya’s eyes were wide on shock and locked onto Shizuo’s wrist; where the cuff of his shirtsleeve had caught light on the stove and was slowly burning away. Shizuo looked down at the flames licking his hand, burning brighter and more violent with each passing second. He could only stare at it in shock, could only watch the fire travel the slightest bit higher up his sleeve. In the end, Izaya had to take action before Shizuo had even finished thinking about how he could have possibly made the mistake of assuming a slight burn was just that, rather than the actuality of his school attire bursting into flames. Izaya grabbed his burning wrist in hand and pulled it under the running water of the tap, smothering the fire and drenching his entire sleeve in the process. The heat dissipated and Shizuo was left with cold relief. “Jesus, what kind of an idiot catches himself on fire just from lighting the stove?” Izaya muttered.

“I didn’t realise.” He mumbled, eyeing the blackened edge of his sleeve and feeling a little lost in the world. 

“It must take a real special kind of stupid to not even notice you’re on fire.” Izaya sneered.

Shizuo didn’t bother refuting that, it was pretty stupid. He left his wrist under the water long after the flames went out, just for an excuse to focus on something that didn’t require looking up to see the stares of his classmates. Not that it mattered all that much, he could still feel them. He tried to take deep breaths and focus on the cool water against his burning hand and wrist, pushing away the urge to snap under the attention of so many people. It was on his second inhale that he caught the scent of something in his nose.

“Does something smell like it’s burning?” Shizuo turned to Izaya and asked, nose in the air, face full of confusion.

Izaya’s laugh was a little too deriding. “Are you sure its not still just the skin on your hand, or what’s left of your shirt? He asked incredulously. 

Shizuo growled. “No, it’s something else.” He grit out from between clenched teeth. 

Izaya finally looked up from what he’d busied himself with on the bench. Shizuo watched his unimpressed expression fall away into wide eyed concern at the cloud of smoke emanating from behind the blonde’s back. Shizuo turned around as best he could with his hand still stuck in the sink and watched grey smoke drift out from the cracks in the oven. _Uh Oh_ , he thought to himself. _That may or may not have been my fault_. 

Izaya rushed over to the oven and pulled at the handle. Grey smoke cascaded out of the open door and into the room, burning Shizuo’s eyes and itching his throat.

“Why was the oven on so high?!” He heard Izaya shriek amidst the dark smoke. He watched the dark haired boy draw the tray out of the oven faster than he could offer protest to the action, flinching when Izaya dropped it barely a second later, cursing almost as loud as the tray crashed to the ground. 

“FUCK!” Izaya swore, abandoning the mess of their burning, broken dish on the floor to rush over to the sink instead. He shoved his hands under the running water, pushing the blonde’s aside.

“Now who’s the idiot.” Shizuo mumbled.

“I don’t know, who put the oven on the wrong setting, hmm?” Izaya seethed, murderous intent and searing pain clear in the eyes that were burning holes into Shizuo quicker than the flame that had burnt through his school shirt.

Shizuo opened his mouth to defend himself but was cut off by the sudden sound of the smoke alarm above them bursting into life. The sharp beeping was like a knife to the back of his head, it was unbearable. He pulled his hand back from the sink and glared at the object trapped to the roof above them, only hesitating for a moment before deciding to spring off of his two feet and place a well aimed fist to the centre of the circular object. His knuckles met plastic and it crumbled and cracked under their weight like it wasn’t plastic at all. Sparks flew from the now disconnected wires and the beeping was cut off to a stop before Shizuo’s feet were back on the ground.

If anyone hadn’t been looking in their direction before, they certainly were now. Shizuo gazed at the teacher now stalking towards them — livid with fury and heels clicking against the floor with each angry step — with a detached kind of acceptance, he was honestly surprised it had taken this long for her to confront them.

“That’s it!” She yelled, frustration making her look manic. “Get out!” She thundered, pointing at the open door behind her. “Get out!”

Shizuo watched Izaya hesitate in moving his still burning hands from under the water, before turning the tap off and walking past the blonde and out the door. Shizuo followed closely behind, forcing his gaze on his shoes until he’d made it out of the classroom. Izaya sat down on the hallway floor just outside the door with his back resting against the wall. Shizuo made to do the same, keeping his legs stretched out in front of him. Izaya had his wrists resting on his thighs and the trembling weight of his hands held in the air, making an obvious effort to avoid letting them touch anything close by.

“How are your hands?” Shizuo asked, pointedly looking at the bright red patches blooming under Izaya’s fingertips.

“Hurting.” He replied simply. “What about yours?” 

Shizuo looked back down at his own arm and the irritated skin over his wrist and hand. “Alright. Probably not as bad as yours.”

Izaya huffed a laugh and Shizuo repressed the urge to tell him that this was not the time to be laughing. “Isn’t that usually the case?”

Shizuo frowned. “What’s that supposed to mean?” He asked just as a shadow passed over the ground by his feet and the teacher for their class walked out of the door and into the hallway. Shizuo looked up at the same time she looked down to find her two students sat on the floor, cradling their burning limbs. She stretched an arm out in front of each of them, an icepack grasped in each hand. Izaya took his without hesitating, gripping it firmly between his fingers. Shizuo accepted his own and placed it over the skin of his right wrist and hand. “Thanks.” He offered.

The teacher smiled, tucking her mousey brown hair behind one ear. “Today has been strange.” She sighed. “Two students infamous for tearing each other to shreds, one of which I’m pretty sure isn’t even in this class, are cooperating enough to bake a dish together, even if they are still causing chaos.” 

Shizuo flushed and lowered his head. “We’re sorry.” He mumbled.

“I know.” She hummed. “Don’t worry about it.” When Shizuo looked back up, she was smiling. “I’m glad you’ve found someone to work with, just try not to wreak so much havoc in the classroom.” 

She laughed and Shizuo found himself smiling, her positive energy contagious. “I’ll try.” He insisted, she was nice when she wasn’t yelling at him.

“Now get back in there finish the recipe.” She chirped, pointing her thumb back inside the door.

“Yes, Miss.” Shizuo replied, watching her turn to venture into the classroom and watch over other unruly teenagers. 

“Oh, and make sure you clean up your mess.” She added before disappearing back inside. Shizuo used his uninjured hand for support in pushing up from the ground. He looked down at Izaya who had eyes fixed on the icepack in his lap.

“Hey.” He offered in an attempt to gather the other’s attention. Izaya looked up and Shizuo held his free hand out to the other. Izaya glanced between Shizuo’s outstretched palm and his own still clasped around the ice pack, wrestling with some internal decision, before giving up and reaching up with one of his own hands. Shizuo grasped his wrist, taking care to pull him to his feet without touching his still burning skin.

Shizuo made a pointed effort to discourage the stares on his way back into the room, all it had taken was a stern glare in the general direction of onlookers to send them redirecting their attention elsewhere. Back at their bench the smoke had cleared and Shizuo noted that all of the windows had been opened in the classroom. He watched Izaya resume his previous efforts in mixing ingredients into the saucepan that had been left off the heat. Shizuo decided to steer clear of that aspect of the recipe and instead began the arduous task of collecting the broken pieces of their pastry base off of the floor and putting them back together in the pan. The damage was minimal, the dough having only split in a couple of places that left it easy to rearrange. It was more than a miracle that it hadn’t been obliterated beyond repair.

They fumbled through the rest of the process, lagging behind the other students. Shizuo may or may not have dropped a broken egg into the meringue mix and another on the floor, after which Izaya banned him from doing anything that required being delicate. Instead, he left Shizuo the more physically demanding work, anything that needed the use of ‘monster hands’ as he had put it. That left Shizuo whipping meringue and Izaya plucking stray pieces of eggshell from the mix until they were able to call it quits and chuck the finished product back in the oven. Shizuo made sure to set the oven on the right temperature this time — regardless of how far they were lagging behind the others — and set to cleaning their dishes instead.

By the time the meringue had turned golden and the oven was switched off, everyone else had just started to cut out slices of their pie. Shizuo tried not to be caught staring with his mouth watering at the delicious looking deserts. Their own had yet to cool down enough to eat and Shizuo certainly wasn’t ready to burn another part of his body in the tiring and convoluted process that was cooking, so they decided to leave the pie in the freezer while they waited out a painfully long twenty minutes or so.

The cold tray was a relief to Shizuo’s hand when he pulled it from the freezer, his icepack having melted not too long ago. Most of the students had cleared out now, having finished their food and dismissed themselves for an early lunch. It meant that when they had finally plated their dish, they were able to enjoy it in a relatively peaceful classroom.

“Mmm, this is actually pretty good.” Izaya spoke through a mouthful of pie. Shizuo had to agree, despite the charred patches of pastry and uncooked spots among them, it did taste pretty good. Even though their presentation was far beyond sloppy, he thought the taste and the effort they put into it was what really counted.

“Guess what?” Shizuo asked, taking another bite of the pie and grimacing at the crunchy bit of charcoal pastry he’d bitten down on.

“What?” Izaya replied, eyes narrowed on suspicion as he brought his half eaten piece of desert down from his mouth.

“You know when you asked me if I had washed my hands before I mixed the dough?”

“You’re joking.” He admonished, lips drawn down and into a frown of disgust, eyes narrowed even further until Shizuo wondered if he could see at all.

“Nope.” He responded, not at all feeling guilty at having disclosed that particular information.

Izaya sighed, the frustration seeping out of his lungs. “Oh well, I guess I’m now contaminated with monster germs. I wonder what will happen to me, will I grow a second head?” Izaya asked no one in particular, his voice laced with faux wonder. He seemed to have accepted the news rather quickly and continued to take another bite of the pie.

“Hey, you didn’t protest all that much when you were drinking my water yesterday.” Shizuo spoke, rolling his eyes at the other. “Doesn’t that mean you were already contaminated from the start?”

“Tch.” Izaya bristled, ignoring Shizuo in favour of staring out over the remainder of the class still enjoying their creations. “Whatever.”

Shizuo stopped himself from smirking at the brief blush of red over Izaya’s cheeks by stuffing his mouth with another bite of food.

Shizuo loved sugary foods as much as the next person, but only recently he’d found that everything seemed to taste a little sweeter than usual.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the long wait on this one, I wanted to make it a bit lengthier than usual so I hope that makes up for it. I'll try to not take so long on the next and maybe make it a bit shorter instead. Also, I've never actually baked lemon meringue pie so forgive me if the process is not too realistic. I also omitted some steps from the recipe just so no one had to read like 5k words of me talking about cooking a pie XD. 
> 
> All of the lyrics for this chapter's song are relative to how Shizuo feels about Izaya and himself at the moment, I think.
> 
> Chapter song is Creep by Radiohead.


End file.
